DH leaving

[Aster]

OP here.

We're nearly a week on from finding out about the affair. He left the house at the weekend after we told the kids that we had decided to go our separate ways. It's not sitting right with me that I essentially took half the responsibility for ending it when in reality it was all him. But I had to think of the DC and what was best for them.

The relationship with the OW is continuing which obviously I'm powerless to do anything about. But if it becomes long term I don't know how I'll cope or deal with her having contact with the DC. But I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

We're meeting this evening in a neutral location to start discussing access, maintenance etc. I'd really like to get an idea of where his head is at about those things. I've made initial contact with a solicitor who said if we can put together terms ourselves we should but not to agree to anything without having it reviewed by him. It sounds like a sensible approach to me, don't know what ex will be thinking.

How do we agree/calculate ongoing maintenance? And would really appreciate if anyone would be willing to share how they worked out the family home. Obviously I'll need proper legal advice on it but real life stories would be helpful. I don't know if I could ever afford to buy him out and I hate to think it may have to be sold.

It's been a long week, my friends have been super but I feel very lonely at the moment and am jealous of the companionship he will get from the OW while I navigate life alone.

its is hugely lonely..but as many others have said you need to move as quick as you can, with my ExH we had things sorted before he moved out when he was feeling hugely guilty , as time has gone on I realise that things changed very rapidly once they are out of the house and I am quite sure that the mediated agreement would have been very different if it had been agreed after he moved out,
I worked out half of what the costs of running the house were (bills, food, school stuff, mortgage) and he pays half of that direct debit into my account weekly, the house was put into my name only so the kids would always have a home, i did think initially that i would have to buy him out which would have been impossible) but he did and still does feel hugely guilty so i was lucky that he suggested that at the start and I ran with it and got it sorted legally as soon as possible,
we went to mediation where this was all sorted and then made the mediated agreement a legal document so went to court for that, lots of different experiences on board here but thats mine, its so so tough please talk to your friends in real life if you can xx

[mcmammy2]

I have nothing to add practicality wise. I suppose just think that you are fighting now for your kids needs not what you want for him. So get the best you can for them. Best of luck. You will get through all this however hard it seems right now. As for feeling you took half responsibility your kids will realise when they are older and from where I am standing he won't come off half as favourably if you keep your head and they still have a happy home life with you.

[Dax]

OP here.

We're nearly a week on from finding out about the affair. He left the house at the weekend after we told the kids that we had decided to go our separate ways. It's not sitting right with me that I essentially took half the responsibility for ending it when in reality it was all him. But I had to think of the DC and what was best for them.

The relationship with the OW is continuing which obviously I'm powerless to do anything about. But if it becomes long term I don't know how I'll cope or deal with her having contact with the DC. But I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

We're meeting this evening in a neutral location to start discussing access, maintenance etc. I'd really like to get an idea of where his head is at about those things. I've made initial contact with a solicitor who said if we can put together terms ourselves we should but not to agree to anything without having it reviewed by him. It sounds like a sensible approach to me, don't know what ex will be thinking.

How do we agree/calculate ongoing maintenance? And would really appreciate if anyone would be willing to share how they worked out the family home. Obviously I'll need proper legal advice on it but real life stories would be helpful. I don't know if I could ever afford to buy him out and I hate to think it may have to be sold.

It's been a long week, my friends have been super but I feel very lonely at the moment and am jealous of the companionship he will get from the OW while I navigate life alone.

its is hugely lonely..but as many others have said you need to move as quick as you can, with my ExH we had things sorted before he moved out when he was feeling hugely guilty , as time has gone on I realise that things changed very rapidly once they are out of the house and I am quite sure that the mediated agreement would have been very different if it had been agreed after he moved out,
I worked out half of what the costs of running the house were (bills, food, school stuff, mortgage) and he pays half of that direct debit into my account weekly, the house was put into my name only so the kids would always have a home, i did think initially that i would have to buy him out which would have been impossible) but he did and still does feel hugely guilty so i was lucky that he suggested that at the start and I ran with it and got it sorted legally as soon as possible,
we went to mediation where this was all sorted and then made the mediated agreement a legal document so went to court for that, lots of different experiences on board here but thats mine, its so so tough please talk to your friends in real life if you can xx

That's interesting Aster, did you have to get the banks agreement to take over the house?

[Unnamed Poster 8]

Post Deleted

[Tinky]

Well in my experience (with friends husbands) he will agree to anything now (and will be over generous) but may change his mind later on when he feels less guilty. You should definitely see a solicitor this week and get the house offer in writing while he is still feeling generous.

You have already been conned into talking to the children before you are ready, don’t let him do it again. Make an appointment this week with a solicitor and don’t put it off. All the very best.

I’m sorry you are going through this. I’ll keep it short and practical from my experience.

Do not agree to anything. Any suggestions he has tell him you’ll think them over.

Once he realises how broke he will be (as he will be) he will change his tune over giving you the house etc. He will want to maintain his current lifestyle whilst paying maintenance and another house. Good luck with that..

Go after the majority of the house and pension if he has a good one. Think long term not just immediate.

Get a solicitor. Apply for legal aid. Have a free half hour session with Flac. Anything practical will make you feel more in control.

Make a list of finances etc. Why he pays what you pay income expenditure etc. I was clueless as a sahm as to the bills etc, everything was in his name.

Pm me if you need anything.


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[Tinky]

Sorry read back on replies and see a number of ladies have said similar. Agree to NOTHING!


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[Aster]

OP here.

We're nearly a week on from finding out about the affair. He left the house at the weekend after we told the kids that we had decided to go our separate ways. It's not sitting right with me that I essentially took half the responsibility for ending it when in reality it was all him. But I had to think of the DC and what was best for them.

The relationship with the OW is continuing which obviously I'm powerless to do anything about. But if it becomes long term I don't know how I'll cope or deal with her having contact with the DC. But I'll have to cross that bridge when I come to it.

We're meeting this evening in a neutral location to start discussing access, maintenance etc. I'd really like to get an idea of where his head is at about those things. I've made initial contact with a solicitor who said if we can put together terms ourselves we should but not to agree to anything without having it reviewed by him. It sounds like a sensible approach to me, don't know what ex will be thinking.

How do we agree/calculate ongoing maintenance? And would really appreciate if anyone would be willing to share how they worked out the family home. Obviously I'll need proper legal advice on it but real life stories would be helpful. I don't know if I could ever afford to buy him out and I hate to think it may have to be sold.

It's been a long week, my friends have been super but I feel very lonely at the moment and am jealous of the companionship he will get from the OW while I navigate life alone.

its is hugely lonely..but as many others have said you need to move as quick as you can, with my ExH we had things sorted before he moved out when he was feeling hugely guilty , as time has gone on I realise that things changed very rapidly once they are out of the house and I am quite sure that the mediated agreement would have been very different if it had been agreed after he moved out,
I worked out half of what the costs of running the house were (bills, food, school stuff, mortgage) and he pays half of that direct debit into my account weekly, the house was put into my name only so the kids would always have a home, i did think initially that i would have to buy him out which would have been impossible) but he did and still does feel hugely guilty so i was lucky that he suggested that at the start and I ran with it and got it sorted legally as soon as possible,
we went to mediation where this was all sorted and then made the mediated agreement a legal document so went to court for that, lots of different experiences on board here but thats mine, its so so tough please talk to your friends in real life if you can xx

That's interesting Aster, did you have to get the banks agreement to take over the house?

yes absolutely, lots and lots of documentation needed, had to use solicitor, many forms and declarations and very stressful but the hardest part was the life insurance and getting it in my name only which was conditional to the mortgage being in my name only ended up asking for extensions from the bank purely to do with the life insurance who were absolutely brutal to deal with but in the end yes the mortgage is now in my name only and house is mine

[Angied]

We went to mediation and they drew up an agreement for us which we then had the option to get legalised.
We had about 6 sessions and it was totally invaluable to us
In my case he wanted nothing to do with the house and was quite willing for me to keep paying the mortgage - I was in a more secure job and was able to manage with the help of the bank - they put an affordable restructure in place until I could find my feet.
My kids were teenagers, ds was 20 and halfway through his apprenticeship and dd was 16
The mediator took every expense and cost into account for both of us and we came to an agreement about a small maintenance amount.

I will say there was very little equity in the house so if it was to be sold none of us would have had anywhere to live and would have to rent
He was happy to house share for a year until he moved in with the OW.

I’m nearly 6 years on and while not divorced, we are legally separated and the agreement we drew up at mediation was the agreement used
Once we both were happy with it and we didn’t have any changes to make it was good to use.

I’m still in the house and I never put set times for him to see the kids, overall I suppose we are very amicable and there was a lot of guilt over the years on his part (he had an affair while I was pregnant with my dd) and maybe that’s why he was willing to give up the house as such.

You have a long road ahead of you and you need to be clear in your head what’s acceptable to you - you did nothing wrong here and don’t let him try to lay any blame on you.
I had got the age old he wasn’t happy and I was the cause of it - I stood up and made it clear that it wasn’t me at all and he had to grow a pair and accept responsibility for his actions.

If you have any other questions please just ask and I’ll try to help if possible x


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[Unnamed Poster 8]

Post Deleted

[sillybilly]

Also wondering how you are coping.... Your in my thoughts.

[Groucho]

Hope you are OK. Also thinking of you.

[In denial]

Thanks for thinking of me. Honestly I'm struggling, finding it very hard to get my head around what's happening. My friends are being very good but I feel like I'm being babysat and I don't want to be a hindrance to them - they're all married with their own children.
I'm trying to focus on getting the financial end of things sorted but even sitting down to go through outgoings is proving nearly impossible - my concentration is non-existent.
I haven't had a sit down with a solicitor, just the initial contact where he confirmed that obviously I'd be entitled to maintenance, that ex remains liable for half the mortgage because it's joint. At this stage I feel if we can come up with an arrangement ourselves it will be better for me in terms of a weekly amount and the current split of money in our accounts so we're meeting again this week. But we've both agreed that any agreement we draw up will then be made legal. As predicted by other posters I can definitely see a shift in him over the last few days - his tolerance of me is seriously dwindling so I need to sort this sooner rather than later.
I have counselling this week and feel I really need it - as a previous poster said I need to get him out of my head because there's not a second of the day that I'm not thinking of him. I even dream about him - usually dreams that everything is OK and he still loves me

[tea]

Aw you poor thing.
You're doing all the right things though so keep on trucking. Xxx

[Shining]

Please don't think you are a burden to your friends, you're not. Keep going xx