Daughter relationship

[Sad mum]

I will try to keep this as short as possible without leaving out details. I’ve always had a good relationship with my 19 year old daughter. Not as close the last couple of years since she met a lad and they are crazy in love . At the start of September my dd overheard us in the bedroom, she went ballistic and didn’t speak for a few days . I made light of it which seemed to make her worse.
Unfortunately, it happened again when we thought she was working . Again , she stopped talking to us . She spent 3 months skulking around the house barely talking to us .
Then in December she announced she was spending a week in the boyfriends house . She left and hasn’t returned since .
She refused to spend Christmas with us and bought none of her family gifts . Some weeks she will answer a text I send her but the past week she has just ignored me . I will add that before she moved out she had a complete meltdown and accused myself and dh of gaslighting her and mentally abusing her all her life , this couldn’t be further from the truth .
My heart is absolutely broken over this and my mental health is really suffering. She’s just blanking us and it’s like she really hates us . I’d appreciate any advice at all .

[Sally]

What did she hear?

[Iamsoneedy]

Did she overhear your having sex or discussing her? If it’s the former it’s really strange behaviour from your daughter. Surely she realises her parents have a private life?

[StarryNight]

What did she hear? She's old enough to know sharing a home with adults means you'll hear people having sex if that's what's happened.
Has she been at the boyfriend's place since she left? Does she have a job or how is she supporting herself?

[Martha]

That’s a lot and having a DD of 19, i would be devastated if she cut us out and treated us like that.
A couple of things jump out at me, the 1st being the timing of her pulling away when she entered a relationship with her boyfriend- did you have a good relationship with him or could there be something there where he might be alienating her from you?
Has anything changed with her regular friends also?

It seems entirely unreasonable for a 19 year old woman not to realise that her parents have a sex life. It’s none of her business and she should really challenge herself on why she would react so strongly to something that’s natural. Given she’s in a relationship herself it’s surprisingly immature.

I would worry that there is something/someone planting a bug in her ear. Unfortunately she’s an adult now, so I think as hard as it is, you can Just let her know you love her and miss her and will be there anytime she is ready to talk.
If there was a way to see if she’s ok via her friends it’d be good.

Thinking of you- I’m sure you feel sick with worry and missing her.
X

[Apple]

I agree with Martha. I’d be more interested in the boyfriend dynamics than her overhearing sex.

[Shining]

Same here. Has she pulled away from friends too do you know?
It sounds very tough.

[Tinky]

I've no answers.

What made your relationship good before she met the BF? Can you capitalise on that? 17 years of a good relationship doesn't just go away.

I'm very interested in the unfounded accusations of abuse and gaslighting. MY DS1 (18) is on that path right now, apparently I've been lying to him all his life, mentally abusing him, likewise not true but I do wonder where it all comes from.

[Marigold]

I've no answers either. I will say we went through the very same with my sd at that age, total blanked us for a guy who treated her not very nice, lived with him and his parents for over a year. Left that relationship and jumped right into another and did the same thing. Wouldn't listen to us at all. What I will say is she did an absolute turn around at around 22-23 and things got so much better, she settled down and tells us how sorry she was the way she treated us and how much she loves us. We just kept telling her we loved her and that we were there for her anytime we had contact with her and eventually she accepted it!

[Unnamed poster 7]

Post Deleted

[Posher]

What's the BF like - is he controlling? From what you can see.

Is she living in his family home with him or elsewhere?

It's all very odd TBH. I suppose without more information I don't know what to make of it but from what you've said I understand why you're upset.

[Sally]

Crikey, it didn’t occur to me that she overheard her parents having sex, as “going ballistic” is not a normal reaction to that !
I assumed she heard the parents giving out about her and/or her fella.

Maybe sad mum might come back and confirm.
As if she heard her parents slagging off her fella, wha5 the6 said might explain the difficulties now.

[Martha]

Crikey, it didn’t occur to me that she overheard her parents having sex, as “going ballistic” is not a normal reaction to that !
I assumed she heard the parents giving out about her and/or her fella.

Maybe sad mum might come back and confirm.
As if she heard her parents slagging off her fella, wha5 the6 said might explain the difficulties now.

Just shows where my mind goes ! Bedroom is the only place we can partake in that activity and even then it’s hoping nobody goes walk about !
We would have a conversation in other rooms though

[Sad mum]

Sorry , yes she overheard us having sex . The boyfriend is very strange as in he never speaks to us . Wouldn’t say hello or goodbye if he called , but he always seemed to treat her well . They also get on very well . I do feel he’s fanning the flames . She’s been staying in his parents house . I did call to the house to try talk to her but his dad refused to let me see her and the mother started shouting abuse . The boyfriend also shouted abuse at myself and dh . I appreciate the reply’s , it’s so heartbreaking.

[StarryNight]

God that sounds like a very dysfunctional family dynamic in the boyfriend's house. Do you think he's feeding her a narrative about you and your supposed mental abuse?
Hopefully she'll come to her senses soon.