Clusterf#ck

[Holly88]

Sorry you are going through this.
I think there has been great advice here.
Just to second not moving or anything else without legal advice - you have a right to stay in the family home and afaik in order to retain that right you need to stay there otherwise you are the person that moved out - not him. I could be way off on that but def get legal advice first esp with family land etc also.

Some good info here.


https://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/b ... nship.html

[Done]

Thanks again all, your posts are really helping.

Yesterday morning he asked if I wanted to talk and I said not now. He went out for the day. When he arrived back in the evening he announced that he was going out "visiting". I asked "where?" but as he was answering I realised that I don't care, so I said it wasn't my business. He started to lecture me about my tone, saying that if I was going to be "hissing at him as I did in the morning ..." but I interrupted him to, very calmly, tell him to "fuck off". So he did.

I got a WhatsApp message a few minutes later saying that if I was going to be aggressive it would be much harder, but I just blocked his number to give me peace for the evening. The cheek of him to try to lecture me on decorum!

I want it over. I will get legal advice. I am not accepting blame for his behaviours and, as far as possible, my dealings with him will be unemotional, matter of fact.

[Holly88]

You sound like a very strong person Done. Sending you lots of strength and good vibes and everything else to get through this and on with the life that you deserve.

[tippexile]

Done
Well done on realising how he is trying to control everything. He knows he has really f**ked up and has decided that his best form of defence is to attack.
He is the only one who is in the wrong and how dare he tell you how to react to him.
Like others said, get advice on the legal and financial implications and decide from there what way you want to proceed. I would get copies of any financial files like bank accounts, insurance etc just in case he decides to make things difficult.
Also, talk to someone in real life. We are all here but it will help to talk to someone face to face and you will probably need practical help like dropping your children to school etc at some point.
Good luck with everything

[Nodrog]

Hope you are doing okay op

[Done]

Thanks Nodrog.

I am doing good. The advice on here has been very good and I reel myself in if my thoughts start straying too far into the future.

I told my brother what's going on. He was a good choice as, he doesn't try to advise or fix things. Just let me talk. It feels real now that I have said it out loud in real life.

I'm not sure my husband quite gets that I am 100% sure that I am done, but it'll sink in. I have told him that for the immediate term it makes sense to continue to live together, but that by the end of the year we won't be. He said he'll move out, so I said "fine".

[Nodrog]

I'm glad you confided in your brother and he gave you the space to talk.
Take care of yourself and keep chatting here.
Your H may not realise that you mean business and that may work in your favour.

[SarahBC]

Thanks Nodrog.

I am doing good. The advice on here has been very good and I reel myself in if my thoughts start straying too far into the future.

I told my brother what's going on. He was a good choice as, he doesn't try to advise or fix things. Just let me talk. It feels real now that I have said it out loud in real life.

I'm not sure my husband quite gets that I am 100% sure that I am done, but it'll sink in. I have told him that for the immediate term it makes sense to continue to live together, but that by the end of the year we won't be. He said he'll move out, so I said "fine".

That was the turning point for me done. Once I said it out loud to someone, that was it. The ball was rolling. Once I told people how awful things were, they were not going to stand by And let Things continue. There was no going back.,

It won’t be easy - I’ll tell you that. Being a single parent is hard - Very hard at times. I thought it would be easier when kids got older but it’s not. It’s all On you. Every decision, issue, problem, bad mood, anxiety etc You have to deal with it all.

My ex stopped Supporting financially also so mortgage, bills everything was (and still is) left to me. Just make sure you have all the paperwork etc you need - bank statements etc - In case they ‘disappear’. Very best of Luck.

[Shining]

I'm really glad you spoke to your brother.
Yes, start documenting things now.

[Done]

My ex stopped Supporting financially also so mortgage, bills everything was (and still is) left to me. Just make sure you have all the paperwork etc you need - bank statements etc - In case they ‘disappear’. Very best of Luck.

Will do. I have started a very rough calculation of how much the kids cost and when you tot up activities, medical costs, birthdays, clothes, school (non- fee paying but still), health insurance and so on it really adds up. At least I now have a better idea where all the money goes!

[Done]

Looks like things are turning nasty. Saw a side of him this evening I hadn't seen before.

Looks like he will fight me in relation to custody and money. He is giving up work until June (at least) and thinks that makes him the primary carer. He is completely denying that his drinking is a risk to the kids and saying I have no "proof".

I will be expediting the solicitor appointment.

[tippexile]

Has he forgotten the drink driving charge which is as much proof you need re drinking.
Just be careful as he's showing his nasty side now. Let people know , like your brother and a friend too.
Get as much proof of income like bank statements, pensions, savings etc. Also keep an eye on your joint account if you have one I case he drains it.
Take care and maybe ask for a recommendation for a family law solicitor in your area . There might be someone here who can recommend a good one.

[Shining]

You need to start documenting his behaviour. Write it down with dates. You may have to build this for a custody battle.
The drink driving, the drinking, the missed appointment, his intention to stop working for the sole intention of being primary carer. This may be very very important and relying on facts and dates is something I was very glad to have in court. Also keep screenshot of relevant messages.

[LucyS]

Done, I am so relieved to hear that you have 100% decided that you are done. It most certainly seems like a wise decision based on what you have written.

I think it would be a good idea to document everything and make a copy of everything when you get the opportunity. I know you will get some fantastic advice from HMs here who have been through this process.

[Elsie]

agree with the above and so pleased your brother knows whats going on. i would keep a diary and if necessary leave it at your brothers (if that is an option) along with any other documentation you might need. Im not saying things will go missing or get deleted ... but if you have a copy away from the house, this can have you with all the cards in your hand so to speak.
thinking of you. hard to imagine that it could come to this but you are doing the right thing xx