Clusterf#ck

[Done]

I dunno if the current state of affairs is another form of denial about everything on my part.

Poshspice, wisely, said to listen to the actions not the words. And in the last 3 weeks the actions have been very good. He's not drinking, he is seeing an addiction counsellor, he is answer almost all questions I have about the drinking. Joint accounts have been set up for the child benefit savings and ongoing payments. He has said he will move out at the beginning of March. He is being lovely to me. It's like the guy I first fell in love with. Both of us have ditched the defensiveness and what arguments we've had have been talked out in a way we seemed incapable of up to this. I would love if we could make it worth.

But; how do I trust him? The drinking was much heavier and went on much longer than I had thought. We have parked big discussions about our relationship until March and he is willing to go to couples counseling then. But how much can I forgive? What if I don't get the level of remorse I think I need/deserve? I am very hurt about the emotional affair. How much of my hope that he can get better and we can work it out is really fear of change, fear of failure, fear of the unknown?

Do you ever wish you could outsource your big decisions.

[molls]

You mentioned that you were getting counselling through work. If that's still ongoing, can the counsellor help you work out the answers to those questions?

[poshspice]

How about you give yourself some space from the urgency to make any decision for the moment? Go with the counselling, get to alanon as well if you can, take each day as it comes. If there's no violence or other danger to you or your children then you can take this time. Just as your h is in very early recovery you are too. His addiction is obvious but you've been affected too and that takes time to heal from. For what it's worth, it took me a while to trust in my dh's sobriety, he had been drinking for a long time after all. In the beginning I had to work really hard at letting him be responsible for his recovery, not checking if he was going to meetings or quizzing him (or taking a sneaky sniff of his breath.. ). It took time but we got there and I don't even think about it now. Alanon kept me sane and was a safe place to bring all my worries to. It took us a good few attempts before we got good recovery but we got there eventually, one day at a time. If we could, believe me, there's hope for anyone

[Novbaby31]

I think Poshspice’s advice above is excellent. Take time and space and park the big decisions for now. You don’t have to have everything sorted by any deadlines.

Take the time you need to figure things out. There is unlikely to be any eureka moment when you know the right things to do. Figuring things out is a journey that will take time. And you are allowed to take that time.


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[Done]

And there he goes, off the wagon.

I know it is to be expected after years of relying on drink but it is so disappointing. I feel sorry for him and I feel sorry for me.

[Done]

So it's almost 3 months on from the initial post.

Looking back over the thread, it is clear how spot on Poshspice's advice was. So, in case it is of help to anyone else in a similar situation, I can vouch that the advice to give myself time was good advice. It took a while for that message to sink in, but when it did it felt liberating.

He is -mainly- off the drink. There have been 5 days when he got drunk. Four of those when I was out of the house and one when I was self-isolating with COVID. While I was surprisingly calm about them, they were very stressful and there is a constant worry about when the next one will happen and how it will impact us (particularly the kids).

I have attended a few Smart Recovery family & friends meetings (a bit like Al-Anon but no spiritual stuff). It took a good few weeks before I was ready for that, but it is helpful now.

Other things I've found helpful are the books: Beyond Addiction and Living with a Problem Drinker. The Smart Recovery handbook is good and there's a YouTube channel called "Put the Shovel Down" that is excellent. That said, while it all helps, I do still harbour a bit of resentment at how much work I have to do on all this.

He is considering residential rehab. I think it would be helpful but it is up to him.

We are giving the marriage a go. Things are mainly good, though the emotional affair is the one area where he remains defensive. While the marriage wasn't good for a long time, and I readily admit my part in it, is becomes clearer every day that he is sober how the drink impacted his personality and mood. Sober DH is very likeable and easy to get on with. He still paints a more simplistic story in his head that I was unkind and therefore he drank. But I'd hope that as recovery progresses he'll get a better understanding of it.

The kids haven't said much about it all, but the advice from my counsellor is that they will when they are ready and that in the meantime taking care of myself is good for them. I do feel very guilty about them though. I was refusing to see the problem for so long.

[Grasscutter]

Wow.

You're amazing. That's all. F***k that guilt. You're a power house and they're lucky to have you. The strength it takes not to fall apart and/or give up under those circumstances is beyond what is imaginable. Let him think what he likes and give yourself permission to occasionally climb a little mountain in your head and scream from it. He probably needs those little lies to be able to live with himself. The truth will out regardless.

[sooon]

I am in awe of you!! You have turned your thinking around in a few short months and realised none of this is your doing, that is powerful. You looked for advice and got really good advice and you took it, that takes strength. My tuppence worth, don't look on helping yourself as work, look on it as empowering yourself and your children. I think you are brilliant.

[Done]

Wow.

You're amazing. That's all. F***k that guilt. You're a power house and they're lucky to have you. The strength it takes not to fall apart and/or give up under those circumstances is beyond what is imaginable. Let him think what he likes and give yourself permission to occasionally climb a little mountain in your head and scream from it. He probably needs those little lies to be able to live with himself. The truth will out regardless.

Thanks.

He has decided that he won't go to residential and I'm more upset about it than I expected. I suspect - based on lots of things over the years - that part of what he is afraid of in residential is being forced to face the past impact of his drinking on those around him. He'd prefer to stop drinking himself, dust himself off and refuse to look back. I'm not sure that's something I can live with. But, taking on board the good advice here, I'm not rushing to make a decision while I am upset and whatever decision I make will be what's best for me.

[Grasscutter]

That sounds familiar.

I think it's very hard to change the habit without acknowledging the harm its done. There's a reason why it's one of the 12 steps though personally I'm not a big fan of the AA route even though I know it's a life saver for many. It is possible to kick it without enormous self-flagellation which I think men find particularly hard but I think if you can't accept personal responsibility you have to at least accept the addiction itself caused serious harm to others.
You sound very sensible and very strong but in the face of that kind of behaviour I hope you are doing plenty of self care in terms of steeling yourself against his nonsense - you have no responsibility over his recovery - just for yourself and your kids. You can still move forward as a couple while taking that stance but whether you do or not will be totally up to him.

[CocoRose]

Hi OP, how are you three months on? Are you still exhausted? Have you had bloods done to check iron etc? I think it sounds like you are doing all the right things to manage this difficult time but I'm just wondering are you taking care of yourself too. It is very, very unhealthy what your DH has done, blaming you for his drinking and that is very stressful on the mind and body. xx

[Done]

Thanks Cocorose and Grass cutter.

I have introduced a lot if self-care into my life over the last few months but it is clear to me that I need more. My EAP counselling sessions have finished so I need to find another counsellor for a while as I still feel quite traumatized by it all. Part of me feels that I should just be getting on with life at this stage, but the reality is that while most days are fine, I still find myself overwhelmed on others.

I have booked some time off work next month - it was done on the basis that he was going into residential rehab but I will take it anyway.

I did go to the GP for blood tests but nothing showed up other than being low on vitamin d, but isn't everyone?

I'm giving myself a few days break from thinking about it all. My husband is, now, under no illusions about what I need from his recovery and knows that the longer it takes for him to get to the point I need, the higher the risk that I will have walked. He is going to talk to his addiction counsellor about a plan to fill some of those gaps.

I still am upset about the missed opportunity of residential rehab next month, but the end goal is his recovery not the manner of getting there.

[Done]

So after 3 sessions of marriage counseling he has packed it in and called a day on the marriage.

He says that he needs to go back to being himself but that I just see him as an alcoholic.

My theory is that, as feared much earlier in the thread, he would rather walk away than address his actions. It was becoming clear that I wasn't going to accept that and the marriage counselor wasn't either. Regardless of his motivation, I am okay with it being over. I am much stronger now than I was in January and know that I have tried.

[Shining]

You have given it your all x.
I'm so sorry.

[Nodrog]

You sound very strong.
I'm sorry you are going through this.
You have given him every support possible and can do no more, he is responsible for his own recovery.