Clusterf#ck
-
Unnamed Poster 8
- Posts: 11154
- Joined: Wed Jul 10, 2019 4:58 pm
- Has thanked: 24 times
- Been thanked: 18 times
Re: Clusterf#ck
Thanks. Not feeling the strength today, spent most of yesterday in tears.
He is telling the kids that he is an alcoholic this week. And we are telling them we have split. There is a plan in place to ensure he doesn't drive with the kids unless I have vetted him immediately beforehand and him being in the house is strictly conditional on him not drinking.
He said to disregard any vindictive stuff he said last week (which he conveniently doesn't remember). But of course I can't. I. His head, right now, he is certain that he is done with drinking and I resent his certainty and any peace of mind it gives him.
He is telling the kids that he is an alcoholic this week. And we are telling them we have split. There is a plan in place to ensure he doesn't drive with the kids unless I have vetted him immediately beforehand and him being in the house is strictly conditional on him not drinking.
He said to disregard any vindictive stuff he said last week (which he conveniently doesn't remember). But of course I can't. I. His head, right now, he is certain that he is done with drinking and I resent his certainty and any peace of mind it gives him.
-
poshspice
- Posts: 1515
- Joined: Wed Apr 16, 2014 12:45 pm
- Has thanked: 26 times
- Been thanked: 52 times
Re: Clusterf#ck
Continue to listen to his behaviour, not his words. When (if) his words start to consistently match what he does then you can tentatively believe them. Get support for you, alanon is fantastic (and free!), you are not responsible for him or his recovery. You're only responsible for you and your children so focus on that. Once your focus is off him he has to take responsibility for himself and his actions. I've been where you are now and your OP title describes it beautifully...a total cluster fuck! You're more than welcome to pm me if you want, I remember the value of talking to someone who totally got what I was saying because I thought I was going mad! We were lucky in that my dh got sober but I was far enough in my recovery to be confident that I'd be OK on my own if he didn't. I think that made a huge difference in my behaviour because I no longer did things to keep the peace, I kept doing what was right for me and my girls. Keep posting here for support, you're not alone xxx
Re: Clusterf#ck
I agree with poshspice. Listen to the behaviour and actions. I didnt & stayed in a relationship way too long. Alcoholics/addicts will promise the world, but its only words. My relationship ended on an ultimatum - participate properly in our family (and go into recovery) or leave. He chose to leave to concentrate on his recovery as he said he couldn’t recover with the added stresses of family life. Nearly three years down the road & I cant imagine how I lasted as long as I did in the relationship. I also went to NAs version of al-anon for a while. It helps to meet others in the same situation & to talk things out with people who dont know you.
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
-
Kensington
- Posts: 5788
- Joined: Thu Dec 03, 2015 4:06 pm
- Has thanked: 16 times
- Been thanked: 269 times
Re: Clusterf#ck
Terrific advice from poshspice. I think this is great advice for any of us no matter what our circumstances
Continue to listen to his behaviour, not his words.
- These users thanked the author Kensington for the post (total 2):
- NDM • Shining
Re: Clusterf#ck
Excellent advice being given here. Thinking of you because I know how hard it is and like Shivvy I stayed too long listening to promises and it wasn't even that he didn't mean them but that he couldn't keep them. Put yourself first, it's a hard road but it does get easier.
Re: Clusterf#ck
Thanks again all. It is good for me - but rather sad - that so many have been in a similar situation.
While there's been lots of tears, shouts and loud music (mainly in my car while commuting and none in front of the kids) I've a few things ticked off the list. I've some counselling sessions set up through the work employee assistance scheme, got a solicitor recommendation from a friend and have emailed them, have renewed our health insurance without him and am making plans for a long lunch with a group of friends I rarely see but who make me very happy.
While there's been lots of tears, shouts and loud music (mainly in my car while commuting and none in front of the kids) I've a few things ticked off the list. I've some counselling sessions set up through the work employee assistance scheme, got a solicitor recommendation from a friend and have emailed them, have renewed our health insurance without him and am making plans for a long lunch with a group of friends I rarely see but who make me very happy.
Re: Clusterf#ck
Well the kids got a very sanitised version of his problem drinking when chatted to them about it yesterday. I don't think he used the words alcoholic or alcoholism. He asked if they'd noticed he as "out of sorts" last week - out of sorts! FFS!
He's getting crankier too. His short-live claims of remorse on the impact of me are fading fast. It is clear to me that he is intent on still blaming his drinking on the marriage/me and is downplaying the concerns about him drinking and driving with the girls.
He claims to be in "a good place" mentally. I told him I resent his certainty.
I saw the counsellor today and the key thing I took away was that I don't deserve this.
He's getting crankier too. His short-live claims of remorse on the impact of me are fading fast. It is clear to me that he is intent on still blaming his drinking on the marriage/me and is downplaying the concerns about him drinking and driving with the girls.
He claims to be in "a good place" mentally. I told him I resent his certainty.
I saw the counsellor today and the key thing I took away was that I don't deserve this.
Re: Clusterf#ck
It's now 4 weeks since I started this thread.
We told the kids a couple of weeks ago that we are separating. They were fairly non-plussed. DH is still in the house. He hasn't told his parents anything yet. All my family know. His absolute certainty about his head being in a good place has waned this week. He's not sleeping well and he'd a couple of bad days, so admitted that he felt like a drink. He has an appointment with an addiction counsellor next week.
Despite my intentions of being stoic and steely around him, I'd a complete breakdown the night after we told the kids. He's been a lot less defensive and a lot more honest since then, and we have been getting on quite well. I am still very angry with him, but also have recognised a lot of other feelings and I do want him to get better.
The communication with the young one is continuing. It's a textbook emotional affair. He feels he needs her support. I had asked him to not see her again as I couldn't deal with the implications of the alcoholism, and the breakdown of the relationship and him moving on so quickly all at the same time. But he thinks he's being great by not having physical contact with her (though he did meet her for lunch) and downplaying what their relationship is.
We told the kids a couple of weeks ago that we are separating. They were fairly non-plussed. DH is still in the house. He hasn't told his parents anything yet. All my family know. His absolute certainty about his head being in a good place has waned this week. He's not sleeping well and he'd a couple of bad days, so admitted that he felt like a drink. He has an appointment with an addiction counsellor next week.
Despite my intentions of being stoic and steely around him, I'd a complete breakdown the night after we told the kids. He's been a lot less defensive and a lot more honest since then, and we have been getting on quite well. I am still very angry with him, but also have recognised a lot of other feelings and I do want him to get better.
The communication with the young one is continuing. It's a textbook emotional affair. He feels he needs her support. I had asked him to not see her again as I couldn't deal with the implications of the alcoholism, and the breakdown of the relationship and him moving on so quickly all at the same time. But he thinks he's being great by not having physical contact with her (though he did meet her for lunch) and downplaying what their relationship is.
Re: Clusterf#ck
Are you ok with him being in the house? Is he putting off telling his family as a way to delay moving out?
Re: Clusterf#ck
Breaking down is totally understandable given everything you have gone/going through.
Emotional or physical, having an affair while you are still married must be so difficult for you.
Have you discussed next steps regarding him moving out?
Emotional or physical, having an affair while you are still married must be so difficult for you.
Have you discussed next steps regarding him moving out?
Re: Clusterf#ck
I think him not telling his parents yet is a way of deferring moving out, as the obvious place to move to is owned by his father.
In my head, at least, the end of February is the moving out date, but I suppose I'd better make sure he understands that too. For now, I am happy enough with him here until he gets the first couple of sessions with the counsellor over with.
In my head, at least, the end of February is the moving out date, but I suppose I'd better make sure he understands that too. For now, I am happy enough with him here until he gets the first couple of sessions with the counsellor over with.