Clusterf#ck

[Done]

Regular (hopefully) gone anon.

Things haven't been great with DH in years. There was significant alcoholism on his part for years - the absolutely random, secret, binge drinking type. It improved, we kept going.

A number of months ago, he said he was done with the relationship. After a few days back and forth, we decided to give it a go and things improved. Shortly after he was diagnosed with anxiety and put on SSRIs. His form improved a lot. However, just before Christmas he has a few tests including liver function, they were off and he was taken off the drugs. His form has been slowly deteriorating since.

Yesterday I was at work at he was meant to take one of the kids to a first, and long-awaited OT appointment. A few minutes after the appointment time I got a call from the OT to say they weren't there. When I finally got through to him, he said he was on his way (it was too late though and I had rescheduled for a day I could do it), that he'd fallen asleep (this has happened a bit since coming off the drugs). He was quite defensive with me.

Today he dropped a few bombshells. He wants to split up. He was drinking yesterday and, the kicker, before Christmas he was caught drink-driving, way over the limit.

My head is reeling. I am contemplating murder.

[newshoes]

That sounds so very tough on you. Do you have anyone you can talk to? It sounds like he is calling the shots and you don't get much say in things.

I'm not sure if I'm reading it right but did he miss the appointment because he was drinking and then was going to drive with the child in the car?

Could you consider stepping away from him and him moving out. Maybe a bit of space might do you good.
Put yourself and your children first here.

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[Shoes]

What do you want to do?

[CocoRose]

I am really sorry for you, that is so upsetting. So coming off medication has had a dramatic downward spiral. Had he stopped drinking before this?

[Maximus]

So sorry to hear that Was the liver function directly related to SSRIs or the drinking i wonder? Could he have kept drinking secretly?

[Shining]

I'm sorry you're going through this. It must be very hard on you.
I wonder too about the drinking and the ssris; maybe he had been drinking heavily while taking them?
I'm afraid I would be raging if my child missed a much wanted appointment. Sounds like he can't be relied on.
How does he propose to address his issues or is he in denial? I'm all right Jack and the split is what he wants? I hope you don't mind me saying this but his behaviour sounds chaotic and I can only begin to imagine the effect on life at home.
What do you want, as said up thread.
Have you anyone to support you, a friend or family to chat to?

[Lady Madonna]

Is it normal to just take someone off SSRIs like that without exploring alternatives? I'm on them myself and I'd be terrified of even missing one day. I'm just wondering is there more to it than he's telling you.

My OH has had problems with his liver function and I'd describe him as an occasional drinker so it doesn't automatically mean liver problems = drink, dietary or other factors can cause it, and probably medication too.

Sorry you're going this, I'd be disgusted if my child missed the appointment, and I'd really want to know why DH thought it wasn't important enough.

[Elsie]

sounds to me like he is putting it all on you..... again. he wanted to split up before you went a few days back and forth and he was home again. i understand that he is your husband and it sounds like you want to make it work for everything to be the way it was.... but obviously now thats not going to happen and you need to decide what you want and make it happen.

Easier for him to say he fell asleep rather than he cant drive cos he was caught? or has he been driving since? first thing.... remove those car keys from him and hide your own. He cannot take another chance driving, he could kill someone. and tell him if he does get into the drivers seat again you will ring the guards and report him. He needs to know you are not taking any more shit from him.

if he wants to leave, let him but tell him there is no coming back - harsh but you are not his mother and shouldnt have to mind him. You will now have to care for the kids on your own.
jeez its a long road so do try and talk it through with someone and see what you really want going forward. mind yourself through this as you have to be in top form xx

[Done]

Thanks all, I appreciate your comments.

To clarify on the drink-driving; he hasn't been put off the road yet (it's not an immediate thing, he'll be going to court). He won't tell me how much over the limit he was but that it was very high. I suspect he's looking at a 2 year ban, at least. It will be next to impossible for him to work without a driving license.

What I want is for this to not be happening. Any of it. But that's not an option.

I hate making big decisions and that's probably why we haven't split earlier. But I can't see any alternative now, I can't keep living like this. I have a million thoughts.

I'm embarrassed I've put up with it for so long. I've been far from perfect in this relationship and have been like an ostrich in relation to both the drinking and anxiety. He blames me for not helping him enough with the issues. He's right that I haven't been a help but he can fuck off with blaming me.

I'm dreading the impact on the kids, on our finances, on the practicalities of day to day life. We don't live near my family so juggling work and all the kids' stuff will be difficult. We need to make a decision about who moves too. While it would be less disruptive for the kids if he moved, we are in a house on his father's farm. If we're moving anyway, should I move back to my own county, nearer family (and similar distance to work)? Or would that be too much disruption for the kids, maybe I should stay in the area until they are finished school?

I have no idea how much and what we should tell the kids. Where do I go for advice on that?

I'm worried that I don't have the energy for all this. I've been struggling myself, I'm exhausted all the time, the pandemic has used up all my reserves. I am worried that he will drink himself to death after the split.

I haven't told anyone IRL anything - it's not my nature. The most obvious friend to chat to - as she's sensible, lovely and has gone through a kind of similar situation - is unfortunately very unwell at the moment. I am seeing a sibling this weekend and I will try to tell them.

[Kensington]

Done, I would try to focus on the thing right in front of you for the moment rather than thinking about moving the kids or schools or whatever. What is right in front of you at the moment is your dh has been lying to you, has a serious drinking problem, and the rug has been pulled from under you. I think the best way of dealing with that is talking to someone in real life who has your back and maybe talking to a counselor on your own to get your head straight. All the other decisions can follow in their time.

And just to say he is blaming you for not helping with the "issues" because he doesn't want to take responsibility himself. Noone can stop him drinking but himself. Noone can deal with his anxiety but him. You can't control anything so don't listen to that blaming shit for a minute.

[Nodrog]

Don't think too far ahead into the future (easier said than done).
Focus on the right here right now.
Ask yourself, what do you want. What is best for you and for your children.
You are not to blame for his drinking.
He is responsible for himself.
You did nothing wrong and have nothing to be embarrassed about.
I'm surprised he came off the medication if he has alcohol issues, was the GP aware of his drinking?
Do you want to stay married to him?
I would start by making an appointment for counselling on your own. Look after yourself. Put your own needs and your children's first.

[Tobo]

Done, I'm sorry you're in this situation, sorry he put you in this situation.
While it takes two to tango in a relationship, it wasn't you who put a drink to his mouth, please don't go blaming yourself, and do not listen to him.
I suspect the issues surrounding his liver and blood results may have shown he was drinking alongside the anti-ds. There's no way any doctor would suddenly decide to take these off a person without weaning down and going for further investigation of his liver.
Whether he drinks more heavily or stops completely after you seperate is irrelevant to you. He's a grown man.
Your responsibility is now to you and your children.

I cannot advise as to who should leave the family home, schools, kids etc. But I think you need to talk to a family member asap. You also need to seek out a decent solicitor to advise you of your rights, especially when you're living in the inlaws side so to speak, regardless of if you seperate or not.
Please don't blame yourself. Be kind to you. Don't feel you need to stay so you can protect him from alcohol. Only he can do that.

[Shining]

Don't think about the big questions right now. Figure out some support for yourself. Reach out to someone.
Also could you access counselling for yourself.
I would also suggest, not now perhaps but for the future, not agreeing to do anything without legal advice.
Don't be embarrassed. Do not blame yourself. No matter what you have been coping and trying to deal with an extremely stressful situation. Do not judge yourself.
Do not take on board his accusations. Didn't help him? The only person who could really help him was himself. You helped him plenty, and keeping the house going and the show on the road is a huge help to him. Minding your children.
This is personal but I had cracked things altogether in my marriage, like really crazy carry on. I even had suicide threats when separation was broached. It was all my fault because I made him do x y and z and yes, didn't support him enough. The guilt of this put me off doing anything. It's a nasty control tactic.
I'm sorry to hear about your friend, that must be tough too. Rally round some support for you.

[Shivvy]

Im so sorry you’re in this position.

Addicts are manipulative, even long after stopping. Nothing you have or havent done has caused him to drink. He has issues & uses drink as a coping mechanism which has now destroyed your marraige.

Like others have said focus on the immediate - if you want him to move out tell him & then contact a solicitor.


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[Novbaby31]

Done, I would try to focus on the thing right in front of you for the moment rather than thinking about moving the kids or schools or whatever. What is right in front of you at the moment is your dh has been lying to you, has a serious drinking problem, and the rug has been pulled from under you. I think the best way of dealing with that is talking to someone in real life who has your back and maybe talking to a counselor on your own to get your head straight. All the other decisions can follow in their time.

And just to say he is blaming you for not helping with the "issues" because he doesn't want to take responsibility himself. Noone can stop him drinking but himself. Noone can deal with his anxiety but him. You can't control anything so don't listen to that blaming shit for a minute.

Echo this advice. You do not have to make any big decisions about where to live or how to manage things right. Focus on right now and what you need and talk to someone in real life who can support you and make you feel a little less alone in this.

And don't be embarrassed about anything. you did what you though was best at the time - that is all any of us can do even though sometimes it is less than ideal.

You are married to an alcoholic - his alcoholism is his issue, his responsibility, not yours. You didn't cause it, you can't control it and it is not yours to cure either. Blaming you his his way of deflecting your anger - see it for what it is.

It is very tough for you right now so be gentle with yourself and just deal with the immediate. there will be time to figure out the rest.