Husband drinking

[Anon]

OK this is probably going to be long so thanks in advance for reading.
I really need some advice.
I am worried and fed up with my husband's drinking and weed smoking. It has been the thorn in our relationship for many years. It has been getting worse recently, I have asked him not to smoke weed until the kids go to bed. He agrees and then smokes it as soon as I have gone. I work nights so he puts the kids to bed most nights. Kids are 5, 10 & 12.
Christmas I budgeted very carefully for, I had a bottle of wine bought for each night (we were both off for 4 days) and one very nice expensive one for Christmas day. So we shared a bottle on night 1 (I had only 1 glass & went to bed wrecked). I accidentally found our expensive bottle hidden at the back of the bin, he had drank the full thing after I had gone yo bed. Said he didn't realise that was the one he opened. Not apologetic for drinking it. He gets so defensive when I bring up his drinking & weed smoking so I don't know if I am over reacting.
We are trying to clear credit card debt and it is impossible when he spends so much on drink. He would rarely go a night without either a few beers or a bottle of wine. He bought himself a half bottle of baileys & drank it over the last 2 nights with his bottle of wine & weed.
I don't know what to do. I am concious of my kids getting older & more aware. I am also conscious of being in a vicious cycle with debt and never having enough money to go on holidays or anything; there is never any spare money at the end of the month. This is something I have brought up so many times over the years and he will stop drinking for a couple of days but he will always always find a reason to start again. Is this excessive drinking or am I over reacting?

[mcmammy2]

I would not be happy that the person putting my children to bed and minding them has taken any substance. Weed and alcohol impair your ability to think clearly.

I don't think you are overreacting. We live in a society that has traditionally embraced unhealthy relationships with drink so honestly if you think his drinking is problematic it probably is. If he can't stop himself he has a problem. So what are you going to do? I don't have experience in this area but someone else may come along to advise.

[purple star]

No experience either really but no I wouldn't be happy with that. It sounds like he has definitely a bit of a problem. Drinking an entire bottle after most of another bottle and hiding the evidence screams problem to me. But you know that. And I think you are right in that you know its not OK. How you go about it I am not sure but others will know. I wish you all the best, that's not easy.

Just to add the weed would be 100% deal breaker for me.

[farmer me]

The rule I put in place here if he wants to drink , he buys it himself. I would buy a nice bottle of wine to drink over a weekend and when I'd get to pour it it would be gone. Oh I didn't know that was fir you . I buy my own alcohol which he is not allowed near. I have given up trying to get him to stop drinking. I don't know how you could function the next day drinking every night

[Nodrog]

He is looking after your children drugged up and pissed - he is not a responsible adult, what if there was an emergency?
Hiding bottles - that's a problem.
Smoking weed-that would be a deal breaker (for me).
It's getting worse- his tolerance is increasing.
It's going on years-a bad habit developing into alcoholism.
He gets defensive when you bring it up- he knows it's a problem.
Money worries/debt- would be reduced if he wasn't spending money on booze/drugs.

Your choices? Get support for yourself, go to Al-Anon (call them).
Give your H an ultimatum-he stops or the marriage is over.
(eta: I'm speaking from experience re alcohol not weed)

[DiscoGirl]

What Nodrog said , I hope you have family /friends who you can talk to for support, best of luck x

[Holly88]

Sorry you are going through this.
I really hope he can get help - maybe AA to start and that you get the support you need too .
If you have private health insurance maybe he could get admitted somewhere for a few weeks to help esp when there are 2 agents involved.
I would speak to your GP also - he might need medication to prevent alcohol withdrawal etc.
It’s sadly so incredibly common in this country - you might feel alone but when you reach out to the AA etc I’m sure you will get lots of support.

[farmer me]

Alcohol is so easily available 4 euro a bottle for wine in aldi and lidl etc.

[poshspice]

Alcohol is so easily available 4 euro a bottle for wine in aldi and lidl etc.

Minimum unit pricing is finally coming in from January I think so hopefully that will mo longer be the case.
Op, so sorry you're going through this. Christmas is particularly hard when you live with someone who is addicted or abusing alcohol or other substances. The mistake the non addicted person makes is expecting normal logic from their partner (Iike for example your plan with the bottle of wine per night and saving the really nice one for Christmas day). That is perfectly sensible and reasonable to someone who isn't addicted but to someone who is it means nothing because they're operating on alcoholic logic. For now, try to get through the next few days to new year and then start taking stock of where you are and where you go from here. Your h definitely sounds alcoholic but the label isn't important right now. His drinking is having a hugely negative impact on you and your children and that's the focus. First things first, find your local alanon meeting. There's one in most towns or within 5/10 miles. There you'll meet other people in similar situations to you, they'll speak the same language as you and understand all you're going through.You'll learn how to start focusing on you, how to set healthy boundaries and how to detach emotionally from the destructive behaviour Your h may or may not get sober but either way you'll get the strength to make whatever changes and decisions you need for you. Alanon saved my sanity 20 years ago when I first started going. I hated Christmas back then, it was pure survival for me from start to finish. My dh is sober coming up to 14 years now, I'd never have believed that possible then but it started with me no longer taking responsibility for keeping him sober and finally accepting that I'd be OK if he didn't, that was terrifying and I didn't get there overnight but I got there eventually and so did he. I gave him many ultimatums but he didn't take any notice as experience had taught him I wouldn't follow through so my advice would be only issue ultimatums that you will 100% fulfil. They listen to what we do and we listen to what they say...it should be the other way around.
You're not alone in this, reach out for support and break your isolation There's loads of help out there if you can find the courage to ask . Feel free to pm if you want to chat.

[Sally]

We are trying to clear credit card debt and it is impossible when he spends so much on drink. He would rarely go a night without either a few beers or a bottle of wine. He bought himself a half bottle of baileys & drank it over the last 2 nights with his bottle of wine & weed.
I don't know what to do. I am concious of my kids getting older & more aware. I am also conscious of being in a vicious cycle with debt and never having enough money to go on holidays or anything; there is never any spare money at the end of the month. This is something I have brought up so many times over the years and he will stop drinking for a couple of days but he will always always find a reason to start again. Is this excessive drinking or am I over reacting?

Nodrog and Poshspice give particularly good advice above.

But, on your final question there, don’t be in any doubt on this one…. You are absolutely NOT over reacting (even if he tries to convince you that you are), and what you describe absolutely IS excessive drinking/weed use.
Don’t let him conv8nce you otherwise.

I hope you can find the help you need at AlAnon

[Shining]

I'm sorry to read this and that you are going through this. I'm not a great expert on addiction but your husband has a serious addiction. It impacts every aspect of your family life. He "minds" your children whilst drunk and drugged. You have no money because he prioritises drink and drugs over saving. What happens in a few years when you have a teenager - what environment for them when you're trying to prevent drinking and drug use?
I went to a counsellor years ago while married and she used to ask me what was my bottom line was...when would enough be enough

[Carmella]

Sorry you are dealing with this. It is happening and it is affecting you and your children. Don’t let it be down played. All the very best x

[wuzziwig]

Nidtog and Poshspice give great advice you need to detach yourself from his drinking/smoking. Going to Al Anon is 100% the first step.you need to take for yourself. Look up.your nearest one today.

My ex is an alcoholic. He went through rehab but unfortunately he has never thought he is an alcoholic. He only went because I finally laid down the law to him. You cannot make an alcoholic admit they have a problem. They need to come to that realisation themselves. You are not overreacting. That level.of drinking is not normal.

[Anon]

Thank you so much to all of you for replying. This is the first time I have voiced my concerns to anyone other than my husband. Nobody in real life has a clue what I'm dealing with. I will definitely look up my nearest Al anon. Thank you again, I am feeling pretty overwhelmed

[Nodrog]

How are you doing OP?
Apologies if I came across too sharp in my initial response, I'm quite passionate about this as I'm an alcoholic.

People in real life may be more aware of your husbands behaviour than you realise. If you have a close friend or relative that you can confide in, please consider talking to them.

Your children are not babies and are most likely aware (particularly 12 year old) your H's behaviour.

Please keep posting, NY Eve/Day is looming, two days that seem to encourage over indulgence, a *free pass* to get pissed drunk as such.