How to get a psychologist for DD

[Adviceplease]

Long time user going anon. So DD is 13 and in 1st year. She has always struggled to make friends. We thought this would improve in secondary. She went in so positive and all started well. Recently her behaviour at home has been appalling and we think we’re getting to the bottom of it. Friendship groups are forming and she’s not in any of them. I’ve tried advising but it’s so hard. She is a very quiet girl and making friends is so difficult for her. She doesn’t have any friends out of school either. She wants to make friends but just can’t seem to do it - she’s not shy and can chat away to someone new but seems to struggle to get to know people at a deeper level once the initial hello’s are done.

So what do we do? We need to deal with her outbursts at home as they’re affecting her younger siblings. We need to help her learn how to make friends. It’s possible she is on the spectrum - I could be wrong but it’s a feeling we’ve had for a few years. So where do I start? A general child physiologist? Will they talk to us first and then meet her? How do I go about finding one as there are so many listed so it’s hard to know where to begin. We’re in Dublin 15. Any advice much appreciated.

[Carmella]

I would contact the GP and talk to them about it first. They should be able to point you in the right direction. All the very best x

[Clara]

Also speak to her year head in school.

[goodies]

Hello there...I am sorry you are going through this worry.. 1st year is a big transition for them.. you can access primary care psychology through HSE primary care..you can self refer

[Shining]

Speak to your GP.
It's very hard for you all. Look after yourself.

[Lady Madonna]

My first port of call would be the school. There are psychologists you can contact but tbh you'll pay a few hundred euro and you might or might not get some satisfaction from it, at least if you do have to pay someone the school might be able to point you in the right direction.

Depending on the school, they may have all sorts of resources available to them. My ds1 goes to an etb secondary school and they have a specific teacher who covers wellbeing with them. There was a situation last week that he was worried about and the way this particular teacher handled it was brilliant, he doesn't particularly enjoy school and has a bit of a chip on his shoulder when it comes to teachers but he came home on Friday absolutely raving about how great the wellbeing teacher was and how she resolved the particular issue. No school is perfect but most of them do their best to help students get on in whatever way they can.

[mcmammy2]

Hi there I can understand your concern. We all need friends they are essential to your overall wellbeing but there are things that can be done.

If you are concerned she may be on the autistic spectrum (I presume that's what you mean by spectrum) then I would chat to the school. I have no experience of secondary schools so I don't know if you chat to year head etc.

With regards to GP. It really depends on their knowledge of autism. In my experience from our GP, and knowing a few doctors they don't always have the knowledge to advise. You could ring up a psychologist who works with children with ASD to advise.

Children with other issues such as ADHD and dyslexia can also struggle with social skills too so just bear that in mind. If you suspect any of these or autism it is absolutely worthwhile getting an assessment. An assessment will not only tell you whether they are neurodivergent eg autistic but will help you understand your child. You will know what they are good at and what needs to be done to help them be their best selves.

In the meantime there are things you can do. First of all take a step back and watch how she interacts. How is her back and forth conversation skills. Does she ask questions? Does she just talk about her interests? Does she show interest in the other person when speaking to them? Does she make eye contact? Does she get distracted during conversation?

I got a number of books on social skills for DS. Five minute social skills is a good one it's a workbook. It goes through various social rules which most people just know but some kids are not aware of. Such as not telling tales, taking turns in conversations etc. There is a teen version too.

A speech and language therapist suggested watching tv eg soap opera and going through the social interactions with your child. Eg pointing out body language, how they talk to each other etc. Obviously that depends on whether she will want to do this. My DS eventually decided to work with me when he was so upset about not having a friend. I didn't push it just said I had the resources and could work with him when he was ready.

On the positives DS has a good few friends. They accept his quirks and he is more aware of things like talking at someone versus talking with them. He just came into his own. I don't try and change him to make him like everyone else (because in my eyes he is perfect ) I just give him the tools to help him understand the expectations of others in social situations.

[mcmammy2]

Sorry just to add in my experience they spoke with myself and DH first to understand our concerns. They then did the assessment.

You could try the Child and Adult therapy centre in Sandyford. There are probably many other ones you can also try. A private assessment is costly but may give you answers a lot quicker than waiting for a public one. Most of all try not to stress or panic there are lots you can do.

Also consider speech and drama and scouts as these activities can help social skills

[Rita]

One thing with girls is they go into groups and then other girls seem to think they can’t sit or talk with them..
Talk to the teacher on the new year and see can they help..there may be lunchtime clubs etc.
there will be other quiet girls. Masks aren’t helping either.

There are some private psychologists who are good with diagnosing females so you could go that way

Does she seem to want friends..does she say much about it to you? Her behaviour could be anxiety about the whole secondary transition. It’s so hard

Social awareness is so important..you can have great social skills but no awareness. You can help her with this. Even watching some tv shows with her and chatting about them. Dd finds girls behaviour baffling at times as she is straight up and this friend one minute ignoring you the next and then friends again baffled her. So many have their own things going on too so it’s often not personal

[Guest]

Thank you all so much for taking the time to reply. It seems to trivial when there is so much else going on in the world but my heart breaks for her as I can see the struggles so much with social interactions. Yes she does want friends and would love to be a in a little group. She didn’t have that in primary so has high hopes for secondary. Her conversation skills aren’t good at all. She tends to give short answers to people and doesn’t ask questions. I’ve been trying to coach her but I think it might come better from a professional and she might listen to them more. She really struggles trying to break into a group who are chatting. She will stand on the fringes and listens in (and that would be a big step for her….other times I think she’d wander around on her own rather than try to break in (she did this a lot in primary during break but it had improved in sixth). She tried a couple of lunchtime clubs but they didn’t work out - not many on due to Covid.

I think I’ll try the GP and/or school in the New Year. I tried ringing the GP this morning but there was a voicemail saying only urgent appointments for the next 4 weeks due to the booster vaccination programme. Also I wasn’t sure if the school would be able to do much about it - it’s a big school though so they should have some sort of resources so it’s good to know that I can/should approach them. The Principal did talk a lot about pastoral care at the introduction meeting.

McMammy2 I had come across the place in Sandyford but wasn’t sure if they were well regarded? I might think about contacting them…

[mcmammy2]

We used Sandyford for DS and found them great. My friend used them recently and while she found the diagnosis part good she had issues with getting the report. Maybe other people could recommend somewhere else. I would say get a letter from school saying they suggest an assessment. That is if you decide to go that route.

We enrolled DS in speech and drama and that definitely helped him with learning conversation skills and the kids at it were really lovely and inclusive. I read that speech and drama can really help with learning about body language and conversation.

The scouts also helped as they were fairly inclusive too. I think in both activities there were kids quite similar to him. Both activities help social skills indirectly.

How would she take you doing some social skills books with her? If you got some books and gave them to her would she read them? I know DS was averse to any kind of intervention however I remember one night when things were particularly bad I came in to his room to say goodnight and he was reading the book.

Social skills can be learned and I do think a lot of people will make accomodations if they think a person has autism rather than thinking the person is just being inexplicably rude or quiet or whatever.

I do remember being in tears worrying about DS and whether he would ever make friends. He has some great friends now. It took a bit of work and also work in making him have confidence in himself. He was nervous about approaching people and I would coach him on the sidelines. The most important part for us was to make him realise he is a great person who just needed help with socializing just like some kids need to do resource classes in maths or Irish.

I do worry that things may change when he gets to secondary but the more he socialises now the more practice he gets.

I wish all the every best for your DD and I hope she gets to make good friends who value her just like you do.

[Rita]

An interest where there is not too much social interaction can help as less pressure. Things like running, rowing, or here rugby.
For chatting to people the two question rule helps..so someone asks a question, you answer and ask one back. Practise it at home with her.
It’s still early days and I found really it’s the end of first year start of second year when friendships really emerge.