Sex and consent

[Guest123nov]

My 16 year old daughter came to me asking how to help her friend. Friend is same age. Friend had a boyfriend for a few months but never wanted to take the relation ship too far, didnt want to have sex with him. He really pressurised her on this and kept at her. Eventually she gave in and slept with him as she just didnt know how to get out of the situation and taught it would be easier to just give in. No alcohol or drugs involved.

She split up with him afterwards and she told him why, she felt completely pressured into having sex with him even though he knew she didnt want to sleep with him. She feels she was forced, he says it was consenual.

My daughters friend is really upset about it, won't talk to her mam as she doesn't think her mam will understand and will go mad that she had sex at 16. My daughter wants her to report it as rape. To my daughter its black and white, he pressurised her so its rape.

I am really trying to get my daughter to encourage the friend to speak to her mam to get the support she needs. Can an issue like this be reported and would it be treated as rape? I feel so sad that the friend found herself in a situation where she didnt know how to say no and to him for pressuring her into it, that she felt she had no option but to give in.

Would the friend get the help/adevice she needs from the rape crisis centre?

[January]

The friend needs to contact the rape crisis centre.

She can report it but I (unfortunately, because coerced consent is not consent) don't think the Garda would take it seriously tbh. Which angers me greatly.

[Shining]

I would advise her to contact the local rape crisis centre too; they could help her and support her. In the immediate impact could she talk to a Jigsaw counsellor online?

[RDR]

While your dd is coming at this from a place of concern she needs to understand that it is not her experience to report and that she could do more harm than good in pushing her friend to report it as rape, or to report it to her mum when the girl does not feel she'll get support from her mum.

What he did was wrong. But she ultimately said yes (based on what you've said) so like January says, that's coerced consent and unfortunately unlikely to be taken seriously by the Gardai. However she is below the legal age of consent so maybe there's an angle there that the Gardai would consider, but if the guy is similar in age it is viewed differently and ultimately would be a he says/she says situation and while it might shock him to have the Gardai on his doorstep it might also go nowhere and distress the girl further and make more public what happened than is helpful to her.

While your dd might want it reported to the Gardai it would seem to me that the girl in question would benefit more from support and a compassionate ear as well as guidance in how to deal with such situations in the future. Maybe your dd could ring the RCC and ask where would be best for her friend to get this kind of support. Perhaps it is the RCC or perhaps they would have other suggestions. I get that your dd is enraged (justifiably) but she needs to accept that this is not about her and what she'd do, but about trying to support her friend in her decision while not making her feel worse or pressurised into a line of action she isn't comfortable with. I hope the girl reaches out and does get some good adult support through this and maybe your dd can be there for her for as long as it takes.

[Sally]

My daughters friend is really upset about it, won't talk to her mam as she doesn't think her mam will understand and will go mad that she had sex at 16. My daughter wants her to report it as rape. To my daughter its black and white, he pressurised her so its rape. …..


Would the friend get the help/adevice she needs from the rape crisis centre?

Its good your daughter is being supportive and there for her friend. But on this one , if I were in your situation, I would be advising my daughter that her role should be to support and not so much to be advising.

Your daughter is still quite young and while she has a very black and white view on the world at the moment, we all know that life can be very grey, and while SHE thinks her friend should report it as rape, she shouldn’t put that pressure on her friend. There are consequences to reporting that need to be considered so an informed decision on doing so is best.

Your daughter should support her to speak with someone experienced in this area. Like the RCC that you mention. They are very experienced in this area and can give the girl not just support but the advice she needs.

[DiscoGirl]

I would tell your daughter to try encourage her friend to speak with someone, maybe the rape crisis center can put her in touch with someone,might be no harm if your daughter took a step back, as awful as the situation is her friend wasn’t raped, there’s an absolute huge difference in being raped and what happened her friend, the poor girl, pity she can’t talk to her mother

[Guest123nov]

Thanks for the replies.

I didnt think reporting it was a good idea but you know what teens are like, they think they know it all. I said to my daughter that the friend technically wasn't raped as she did consent even though she was coerced. I said what happened was completely wrong and that no guy should ever pressure someone like that, that they felt they had no choice but to give in. But maybe not to go round using the word rape as a statement like that has massive implications and I dont think any 16 year old has an idea of the enormity of it.

I am advising her just to be supportive and to keep trying to encourage her to speak to her mam. The friend is open to talking to a counsellor which is good.

[Gismoet]

Support is what matters here. Your daughters friend doesn’t need someone else pressurising her to do something she doesn’t (or isn’t ready to do). Support and listen.

[CocoRose]

It sounds like a difficult situation but I have to admit I am also struggling here massively to understand how this could be referred to as rape by anyone. I find it quite scary that something that was defined as consensual at the time, albeit pressured in her mind, could be re-categorised in highsight like this. You regret sleeping with someone you feel came on too strong? Let's get them categorised as a rapist and ruin their entire life?!

[Acrobat]

I was wondering during the act did she say no .. stop etc repeatedly... that could slightly change perspective...

Your daughter is great to talk to you ❤

[Iamsoneedy]

It sounds like a difficult situation but I have to admit I am also struggling here massively to understand how this could be referred to as rape by anyone. I find it quite scary that something that was defined as consensual at the time, albeit pressured in her mind, could be re-categorised in highsight like this. You regret sleeping with someone you feel came on too strong? Let's get them categorised as a rapist and ruin their entire life?!

I am struggling with that too.

I think the only thing is to reinforce over and over again to our kids is that you never ever ever convince, cajole or plead with someone to have sex with you and you never ever feel like you have to ‘give in’ to have sex because someone pleads, cajoles, coerces etc

[Iamsoneedy]

My 16 year old daughter came to me asking how to help her friend. Friend is same age. Friend had a boyfriend for a few months but never wanted to take the relation ship too far, didnt want to have sex with him. He really pressurised her on this and kept at her. Eventually she gave in and slept with him as she just didnt know how to get out of the situation and taught it would be easier to just give in. No alcohol or drugs involved.

She split up with him afterwards and she told him why, she felt completely pressured into having sex with him even though he knew she didnt want to sleep with him. She feels she was forced, he says it was consenual.

My daughters friend is really upset about it, won't talk to her mam as she doesn't think her mam will understand and will go mad that she had sex at 16. My daughter wants her to report it as rape. To my daughter its black and white, he pressurised her so its rape.

I am really trying to get my daughter to encourage the friend to speak to her mam to get the support she needs. Can an issue like this be reported and would it be treated as rape? I feel so sad that the friend found herself in a situation where she didnt know how to say no and to him for pressuring her into it, that she felt she had no option but to give in.

Would the friend get the help/adevice she needs from the rape crisis centre?

Honestly, your daughter should not be encouraging her to report it as rape. Encourage the girl to talk to an adult, not necessarily her mother, about what happened.

[Unnamed poster 7]

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