Issue with DD at uni

[College]

My DD suffered very badly over Covid with MH. She has always had anxiety and ocd from a young age, but it worsened over Covid. It wasn't about Covid, it was just the lack of routine and being inside a lot.
She was almost completely unable to study for her LC but was fortunate enough that she had always been very diligent up until 6th year and got excellent PG, and got a course she wanted. She spent a lot of time crying and being very upset about not studying, but also just completely unable to do much of anything.
Over the summer, she was much better. She got a job, and although she found it very stressful and it caused lots of tears as well, she stuck with it. Personally, I think they treat there staff badly, but she wanted to stay on.

She has started college but immediately- in fact before it even started- the same issues as presented themselves in 6th year have arisen. She has only attended about half her lectures so far, has cried every day, is not able to get out of bed most days. She is not able to do her assignments and she is falling behind. It's a vicious cycle because the more she falls behind the more she beats her self up, and the more upset she gets.

I have said to her that maybe she should take a year out, get well, and then see if she wants to go back or whatever. When I say this she cries even harder- that she feels like she is failing, that she will be behind her friends etc. I get that- at 18 you just want to fit in, but as it is she is NOT WELL.

I have to admit, some days I am patient, and others I am cross because she seems able to do things with her mates, or watch TV, or work but not go to college. Also, the chance to get the fees back has gone now. I asked her to make a decision before the deadline, so we could get a refund, but she dithered, and she does that a lot because she doubts herself all the time. That dithering cost me €3000 though, and it took me a year to save that, so I am cross over that. I realise that is unfair on her but she is an adult now, and these things also have to be taken into consideration.

The thing is I don't know should I be pushing her out the door to college or making her take time out. As it is she spends most days in bed on Instagram or watching box sets. I don't think it will be healthy for her to lie there for a year doing that.

We have been to see her psychiatrist, and her GP and she refuses to take medication. She is 18 so I can't force her. She is trying to sleep a bit better but she lives a very unhealthy lifestyle generally. She wants to college, work, all the activities, mates - everything.... please everyone, and has terrible FOMO.

She is on a waiting list for psychologist, but I am getting very concerned about her. She wants to do the course and says she will, but when the morning comes, she is not able. She is linked in with her tutor and her college services too, but she just keeps going between wanting to do the course and then crying because she isn't able, and saying she is going to drop out and crying because then she isn't with her pals and falls behind.

I am at my wits end at this stage, and I can't even imagine what she is feeling.
How do I support her?

[molls]

I'm not sure you can do anymore. You have brought her to medical professionals and tied in with college services. You can't make her engage with them, that has to come from her.

I can understand how frustrating it is for you.

[Carmella]

Is there any chance she could have ADHD? She sounds like she has the ability but is suffering from overwhelm. I might be totally wrong suggesting that and sorry if I am, but it might be worth looking into with the psychologist.
All the best.

[Rita]

Unfortunately it sounds like she needs medication.

Not sure what else you can do if she won’t take meds. Is there anyone who could speak to her that she might listen too

[Clara]

There are nurses and counsellors in college, would she make an appointment with them?

[Shining]

First of all big hug for you. This sounds incredibly difficult and it much be a huge strain on you.
You sound remarkably caring in your post and your daughter is very lucky to have you.
I agree that she sounds like she needs medication.
I wonder too about college. Has she any indicators yet of what she might expect performance wise? I suppose what I mean is from reading your posts it seems unlikely she will pass college if this continues. Does she realise that? If she's unable to give college her best shot, she is working against herself.
Would she have a chat with a service like Jigsaw? Coukd she see the college support service?

[babybun]

Most colleges will have mental health services, best to see if there are student welfare services (they can help with writing exceptional circumstances submissions for late or effected work) and link in with the counselling.

OCD is very treatable with a structured Exposure and Response Prevention regime, it can be helpful to take medication to help her complete the exposures but it will also be effective once she gets going on doing daily exposure work.

ADHD is often missed in bright females as it tends to present with internalising rather than external behaviours, eg might feel distracted internally but not outwardly distracting self or others, it’s linked to both anxiety and depression. It wouldn’t be my first port of call but if she had been taking her medication and was working with a psychologist and wasn’t making progress it might be something to look into.

There are great free resources here: https://www.anxietycanada.com/

[Kensington]

Some great advice already - especially around the medication and ADHD/OCD.

For what it is worth I have a good friend who is a professsor/head of department at a university here in the US. He says that his college are more worried than they ever have been about the mental health of students. Massive increase in students seeking help from the support services, massive increase in previously competent students failing tests etc and dropping out and just a general anecdotal feeling from most teachers that more students are depressed/anxious/finding it difficult. He was saying to me today that he thinks a lot of students used up all of their mental resources/resiliance just getting this far out of school and into college during the pandemic and they are hitting the wall now.

My own dd really struggled to complete work/go to class in high school. I muscled her through and really provided a ton of support but we were both clear that in college she was academically on her own in the sense of I wasn't going to check up on her or ask her about deadlines. It was a pretty hairy first year but toward the end she pulled it out herself - went to her professors, asked for help, got through by the skin of her teeth. It was never as bad after that - in fact she is very much in control and doing ok now. What motivated her was her realisation that if she failed, she wasn't going back next year and she really wanted to go back.

[NDM]

You poor thing you are so helpless as she is 18 and won't/ can't listen.

Can you intervene with the college- contact the head of dept/student services/liasion etc and ask about your options at this point in terms of pulling her out from a financial point of view.

She he's a few choices: you could go though these with her and discuss what had to happen esp for choice 1 to be successful.

Pulls it together passes into 2nd year

Fails exams and faces repeats in august

Fails august and repeats the first year at a financial cost in year 4

Drops away now and deferrs her exams to some other time.

Leaves.


It is so hard as the person who wants is not the person doing.

Her psychiatrist would be high on my list too .

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[RDR]

You're in a difficult position given she's 18 and AFAIK the college will not be able to engage with you at all as she is an adult. The obvious thing (to us on the outside) is for her to engage with the college, which will have peer, academic and MH supports. All you can do is have the conversation with her maybe focussing on how she'd like to feel and what is available to her to help make that happen. You may be able to do no more than talk to her and give her a list of contacts and numbers (or also message them so that they're on her phone and all she has to do is click on the number).

It is the hardest thing as a parent I think, the adult child who is in trouble. Wishing you both well.

[CocoRose]

See the thing with medication perhaps suggest to her that people with poor eyesight wear glasses, stigma free, it's expected a person would obviously put on glasses if they had difficulty seeing and it would be considered ridiculous not to. It not as simple or straightforward with the brain but the right medication can be like a pair of good glasses, even just for a while to help the brain help her get through her days more easily.

I feel like if it is some anxiety disorder or weakness of the executive functioning part of her brain, it is such a pity she won't try medication.

[Unnamed poster 7]

Post Deleted

[Groucho]

God, that is very tough. Don't beat yourself up about being cross - that's a lot of money, and there is bound to be huge frustration for you in seeing her the way she is, mixed in with love and worry and concern. It's really hard when the longer she doesn't take action, the harder it will be. It's like that old thing about how do you eat an elephant - one bite at a time. She has probably conflated the whole college thing into this giant mountain that she can't possibly climb, when it's really just one step, then another, etc. I think 3Dollys is correct - if she could take one step at a time, it might ease her back in.

Unfortunately, she's the only person who can take this step. I'm sure if you could do it for her, you would have by now. The refusal to engage in any way with university, mental health services, medication etc is very hard. Others might not agree, but I'd be introducing a small bit of tough love at this point - giving her some sort of deadline by which time she has to have either engaged with these services, or college is off the table for the meantime, and she gets a job. Even if she went back to the summer job place, would that get her up & out and maybe put her back on the road to some sort of normality where her thinking might clear up a bit? Anything is preferable to lying in bed all day on Instagram and if it was me, I'd be outlining that this was not something I could support indefinitely.

I would also contact the college re: that deadline for fee refunds and explain the situation. They might not do anything, but they might and it is certainly worth a call.

God love you. This sounds incredibly hard and you must be frazzled.

[CocoRose]

Yes I feel like if she is closing all doors and still find to binge watch box sets I'd find that hard to witness myself after losing 3k.

You can wait and wait for a psychologist and find that doesn't give all the magic answers either. I think the idea above of some sort of incremental exposure approach is the only way.

[Cocktail]

If your DD goes to the Student Records office and presents a letter from her doctor, they should backdate her withdrawal to the start of the year and you should get your full payment back. There's probably a specific staff member dedicated to 1st year students who wish to withdraw.