Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

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monet
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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#31 Post by monet »

happy belated birthday and sorry you feel so low
I FORCE my family to make a fuss over my birthday AND mothers day, constant reminders that they are my two favorite days of the year , that I do NOTHING on those days for them and reminders if they have got me a present yet
It is completely against my nature to make a fuss and I don't actually care about presents or cards or anything but what I do care about is that they take the time to appreciate all I do for them , as otherwise I would feel the same as you , taken for granted and that feeling is just awful
you do need to be appreciated you do need to feel valued for all your work ,I think you need to have a talk with your family and say how you are feeling and next year you expect a bit more attention and appreciation
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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#32 Post by Disappointed21 »

Thank you all for your good wishes. I sent dh a long message about how upset I was because I knew if I spoke about this face to face I would end up crying and nothing would be resolved.
He is very defensive and his excuse is he's worried about getting the wrong thing. I have said after years of marriage he should know what I would like and if he doesn't I would like a voucher of some sort.
The kids are old enough to know better and I have plans to speak to them later.
I feel very glad my feelings have been validated. This incident has stirred up some unpleasant child hood memories which I also feel I need to confront at some point.

twinfun
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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#33 Post by twinfun »

Happy belated birthday wishes so sorry you had such a disappointing day hugs 🤗
I think you need to spell out to your DH regardless of how birthdays were celebrated with his family as a child it’s a special day you deserve to be spoiled and appreciated

My DH is luckily very good always makes a lovely fuss of me due to his work we may have to celebrate at the weekend but we do go out for a meal and my actual birthday I recieved cards and presents ( even from the dog 🐶 woof woof 😛)

So let him know your upset and you want spoiled this weekend
Set up expectations now and for future birthdays 🎂

Even if we are watching the pennies a small gift and card is lovely

My DH knows too that my lovely mum also ensured birthdays were special days and even though she is up in heaven my DH ensures I have a lovely day as it’s an emotional day too with precious memories

My Dad always made sure we spoiled my mum too on her birthday 🎂 too

RDR
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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#34 Post by RDR »

Tell them. Explain to them how bad you feel. Tell them what you want done for your birthday. Point out what you do for them and get them to think about how they'd feel if you ignored their birthdays. Anyone who says they don't care, tell them you're making a note that they don't want a birthday celebration anymore. See what happens.

Children can be so self-centred. Putting aside the hurt, our job as parents is to challenge them on those behaviours and push them to do better. So you can do this as a parenting teaching opportunity and not just from a place of hurt.

Partners can also be a bit shit. Point out that your birthday comes around every 12 months, conveniently on the same day so he as 364 days to be prepared for next year. But in the meantime you want a re-run at the weekend and would like breakfast in bed/dinner cooked/taken out (or whatever it is you really want).

No it won't feel the same if they're doing it in response to you calling them out. But it allows them to think, to do better, and to get it right next year (and to be nicer human beings).

Edited because this is not supposed to be a re-run of opinions about me!

And belated happy birthday to you xx
Last edited by RDR on Wed Nov 03, 2021 11:32 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Iamsoneedy
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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#35 Post by Iamsoneedy »

It’s husbands and partners that should be taken to task about forgetting birthdays ie adults. And children who are adults.

Making a young child cry over forgetting a day / and not even a birthday - is horrible.
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StarryNight
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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#36 Post by StarryNight »

x
Last edited by StarryNight on Wed Nov 03, 2021 2:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

CocoRose
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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#37 Post by CocoRose »

I'm like Monet, I simple TELL them all this matters to me, make a fuss please. The kids need a reminder, they are only kids, but DH got a solid push over the years in the right direction.

If I feel annoyed I try to focus on the other ways I feel valued, the cups of tea, the day to day things that matter too.

Strong
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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#38 Post by Strong »

Didnt really want to start a new thread as I just feel like a long suffering moan at this stage with my other thread.
I'm in a similar boat but for me, unfortunately, it is malicious.
My "dh" often causes rows just before big events. I'm not sure why- stress, an excuse to opt out/ any tiny effort he makes is then heroic, just pure malice?

Anyway, it's my birthday this weekend, and on Monday I asked what sort of sauce was with the dinner. He told me to fuck off and he wasn't talking to me. He has given me the silent treatment since.
He wants me to grovel and apologise so thst he "wins".


We are of course still playing happy families.
The only thing I can think of is I said to DD that I would like earrings hint hint. I think this offended him.

I saw today he has got me yet another book. His two affairs centered around books as a "mutual interest " and he gets upset that I don't read what he chooses. We don't have a lot in common

Question is: AITA for wanting a more expensive gift?
Like many HMs I go all out for birthdays and Christmas.

I'm trying not to let it get to me, but it is upsetting. If I don't show my appreciation for what get, there will be sulking. One year he took the gift he got me outside and smashed it.

Anyway, enough moaning.
AITA for wanting more?

ali
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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#39 Post by ali »

Strong, dont remember your previous thread, but it sounds a lot more serious than just missing a birthday present in your house. Your husband sounds like an abusive bully.
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April
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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#40 Post by April »

Unfortunately, it doesn’t sound like your DH is going to provide the type of birthday you’d like. You should buy yourself a treat and plan to have a relaxing day and try and ignore or remove yourself from his sulking, Accept his gift, do not show any hint or disappointment and leave it at that. Scale back on what you buy him for birthdays or Christmas.

StarryNight
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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#41 Post by StarryNight »

When you say affairs, you mean he's cheated on you twice and is using books as a means of manipulating you emotionally?
This sounds way beyond feeling a bit miffed about a badly chosen birthday present. He sounds awful and in Mumsnet fashion I think you should leave the bastard. If anything else, this isn't a healthy relationship for your DD to be seeing in action.
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mcmammy2
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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#42 Post by mcmammy2 »

Your DH sounds toxic from what you have written. It is not your job to appease him. He has issues and you are not there to walk on egg shells. It is not for you to address his issues. To be quite frank you deserve better. You absolutely deserve more. Do not put up with his shit and mind yourself, your emotional and mental health. For what it's worth I wish you a very happy birthday as it sounds like it is the very least you deserve

CocoRose
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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#43 Post by CocoRose »

The above examples are not normal standard of communication/treatment in a marriage. I think you need to shift focus from what gift you get to how you are treated.

Tinky
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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#44 Post by Tinky »

Happy Birthday. Nothing to add except what others have said.
Hope the next one is better for you and some changes are made within your marriage as this isn't just about earrings or your H being clueless about gifts.

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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#45 Post by Unnamed poster 7 »

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