Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

[Flux]

Happy birthday! No surprise that your birthday is on All Saints Day - you're a saint to put up with that!

DH was the same for years. There was no malice - he just doesn't like fuss and didn't believe birthdays require any fuss or presents. He wouldn't have cared if he got no presents for his birthday either. It took a few years of upset and training before he understood that birthdays are an important way to show appreciation for all that others do. I hope your DH will come around to the same way of thinking. Its important to be appreciated xx

[Viola]

Happy birthday

I’m so sorry that you are feeling like this. It’s shit and there is nothing worse than feeling like shit on your birthday.

I have been there and worn the T-shirt for years with disappointing birthdays. I sincerely hope your family get a firm and swift kick up the arse and never do this to you again.

[Deise]

Happy Birthday. Would you have any interest in treating yourself tomorrow? Leave it all there behind you, hit town, pick out something nice, buy a book, go for nice lunch, even a hill walk?

I'm sorry you were let down today, it's not ok, they should know you well enough by now that they know this would upset you. I'm not a birthday person, we weren't growing up, but I make sure to go to a lot of effort for the others. I would like it referenced in some way if it were me. Whatever you do, don't hide your disaapointment or the experience will be replicated next year.

I hope you're ok tucked up there. Take comfort in the 20 odd anonymous posters that are with you in spirit blowing out the virtual candles.

[Novbaby31]

Firstly happy birthday. And it is terrible that you are feeling so low on your birthday. It is an awful feeling to feel unimportant in your own family as a child or an adult. It is lousy and you deserve better.

I agree with the posters about telling your kids how disappointed you are, I am presuming they are teens. And I think your DH deserves to be given it with both barrels as he is taking you completely for granted. And the he works long hours is horseshit by the way. Maybe twenty years ago when internet shopping wasn’t a thing that was an excuse (pathetic one though) but seriously - it takes ten minutes to order something meaningful for you on-line.

Have a talk to your DH again and you’ll have to weather his discomfort and defensiveness to get him to accept that he is taking you for granted. You are not an afterthought in your own family, he doesn’t get to treat you like one.

That said I think you need to help yourself here - I tell my husband in advance of birthday what I want - I give several suggestions (and send links). I am practically minded so getting surprises that are not what I want is too wasteful for me. I tell DH what I want and then expect him to sort that. I occasionallly am surprised but in a good way as he uses the list as a starting point. It is not about presents or the money spent - my list isn’t a shopping list. Sometimes it is things I want to do together or as a family. But the list helps in making sure DH is in the ball.

Birthday etc aren’t really that important to my husband but they are to me. I’ve accepted I need to steer the ship a little and lay out some concrete expectations to ensure that mine is celebrated properly.

Talk to your husband about how awful you feel and I think giving him a clear roadmap will help. Impersonal gifts and no fuss - not acceptable. You are not the family housekeeper. Offer him a do-over - ask him to make time to celebrate your birthday this weekend. Get the kids to make your breakfast in bed. Have a family lunch or dinner that they cook for you. Watch a movie you love as a family. And tell him he needs to order you flowers. All of this is simple and easy to do.

And honestly if he is not prepared to do that and the kids are moaning about doing I would go on strike. It is not juvenile. You are not the family housekeeper. They’ve hurt you and if they are not willing to make amends then I would down tools for as long as it took for grovelling apologies to be made. No-one is going to starve if you don’t make lunch and dinner and I am full sure your kids and DH are smart intelligent people who can figure out how to use the washing machine.

You deserve better than you got yesterday and unfortunately it won’t get fixed without you taking some steps to shape the solution.

[Nodrog]

Happy Belated Birthday. It's a bit shit of them alright.

I had a few years of silent disappointment for birthdays Anniversaries and Christmas and I remember feeling very unappreciated and unloved.

Now, leading up to them I say *This is what I want*, no subtle hints hoping someone will pick up on my cues, nope just straight to the point. I send Google links to what I want.

I've also booked a few pampering over night breaks for myself over the years. My being away for a few days gives me the space I sometimes need Is this something you could do?

[tippexile]

Happy Belated Birthday. I had the same thing coming up to my 50th this year. I found out 2 days before that dd hadn't bought me anything and was planning on meeting up with her friends and dh hadn't bothered ordering me a very reasonable cake that I had asked for from the local garage. I went apeshit, I actually cried because like you I had always ensured they had nice birthdays with little surprises and treats.
Today, just tell them how upset you are to be taken for granted. It doesn't matter if birthdays don't mean a lot to your dh, they mean something to you. One day a year isn't a lot to ask for a break from cooking and a few cards and presents.
So, whichever day suits you whether it's today or at the weekend, just take the day off and do what you want, go for lunch, get a takeaway, buy yourself something that you've been denying yourself, something that you want and only you will benefit from. Let them get their own dinner etc. You are not to do anything other than look after yourself.
I know it's heartbreaking to be taken for granted but like me, you have to take it as a lesson to show them you are not going to allow it anymore.
Take care.

[Unnamed Poster 8]

Post Deleted

[Bimble]

Belated happy birthday.

Being the queen of birthdays I totally get where you’re coming from.

I often quote the line “every childhood lasts a lifetime”, so your past birthdays play a part in this. BUT it’s completely shite that your DP and DC didn’t make an effort. It’s just not good enough. I explained very early on that I expect at LEAST a week’s celebration (a month for a big birthday). I did have to spell it out in big letters but I’m never disappointed now.

I’m so sorry and I send you a huge virtual birthday hug

[mcmammy2]

Oh happy birthday. That is shit. I had this happen this year. We were on holidays with my in laws to make it worse. All my friends and family were texting saying they hoped I was being spoiled etc. Dh and kids (although to be fair kids are still a bit young) said nothing. DH had got me presents two day before but not having someone say happy birthday to my face on the day made it all feel like a tick box exercise. I was upset went for a walk. My DH behaved like yours annoyed I was upset. I let him have it. No it isn't acceptable to forget or play it down. As mother's we do enough for our families both direct and extended and we should be celebrated. One day in the year about us. It is not asking too much it is the bare minimum we should expect. I hope you have a good day today.

[molls]

Just to echo everyone else - you have every right to be upset. It is shitty of your DH and kids to not bother making an effort for one day and your DH is being a prat by getting annoyed at you.

I hope you are feeling better today and that your family make amends this week.

In the meantime, belated happy birthday birthday

[Shining]

I'm sorry, that's crap. All of it.
Happy belated birthday xx

[DiscoGirl]

Belated birthday wishes to you , you should sit them all at the kitchen table and tell them you are hurt that they didn’t acknowledge your birthday ,not even a card! don’t even wait to see what they reply with , walk away and let it sink in

[StarryNight]

Dh messed up on mothers day one year, the first i had. His mother is a lovely woman but always puts everyone else first and would never act upset if a birthday or mother's day wasn't marked so I think he assumed it wouldn't be a big deal for me. I was annoyed though as he had seen me calling up the day before to my mother with flowers and a bottle of wine and cake to have with her. I woke up to nothing, not even a card. He tried to make excuses but I was livid. I don't care that he might think its commercial or made up, if its important to me it should be important to him. Like you he got defensive but that proved to me he knew he messed up. I wasn't going to set up for a lifetime of this and a bad example for the kids so I let him have it and he's never forgotten.
I would head off for the day unexpectedly, not today but maybe next week when they will think it has blown over, and give yourself the full works of what you'd enjoy, beauty treatment or shopping, meal out or day reading in a coffee shop. Let them miss you. And happy birthday.

[Carrots]

DH forgot my birthday once - am not a big adult birthday person at all, but I'd never forget his birthday & do special dinner, cake, small pressie & make sure the kids made a little fuss of him to set a good example that it's not all about them! I was really upset & hurt. His Mum is a birthday nutcase she would tear strips off him if she knew & I did not tell her because I knew then she'd ring him to remind him from then on & I didnt want that I want him to bloody well rem it if he has to set his own reminder so be it!! And those saying take yourself off for a treat spa day etc that's not the point wouldnt have taken the hurt away for me that they forgot or just didnt bother. Anyway that was about 5/6 years ago he's not forgotten it since!!

[elizaDoo]

I had this a couple of years ago with my DH, I had done the usual "oh I dont want a fuss" so he didnt ! My kids were little at the time so I had expected at least a cake for them. Anyway we had a row and when it cooled down we got talking about birthdays and they really werent a thing in his house. In fact his mother forgot it was his birthday one year (his 9th) and you know what he did.....said nothing ! Youngest of six and never mentioned it anyone.

So we decided that birthdays would be a big thing in our house as I like celebrating them. In fairness to him now he makes a fuss.