Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

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Disappointed21
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Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#1 Post by Disappointed21 »

I need some perspective. I'm feeling very low tonight. My birthday has always thrown up some complicated feelings from childhood. Over the years I have tried to convince myself I don't need a party but I do like dh to do something.

He works long hours and I am a sahm. I do all the planning for the kids birthdays and Christmas. I am always the one who remembers anniversaries. I feel a lot of events with extended family would not happen if I didn't think of them.

Dh didn't even get me a card to-day for my birthday. He said he just didn't have time. I got some small presents from him, but nothing that I wouldn't buy myself such as a bottle of prosecco. The kids gave me cards but didn't put their hands in their pockets to buy me anything.

I feel like absolute shite to be quite honest. Everyone in the family seems to be thought of because I do the thinking hut there is no one thinking of me. I feel like I'll never get a surprise again because if don't organise something myself for me I might as well accept not having anything.

Dh is annoyed that I'm annoyed and very defensive. The whole day has reminded me of how I felt as a child. An afterthought and someone who is told not to make a fuss. I went for a walk by myself after the dinner I cooked because dh and the kids were too busy to organise anything . I didn't feel like coming home. I'm in bed now just so down about the day.

Edee123
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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#2 Post by Edee123 »

Firstly happy birthday to you. Im so sorry you are feeling so unappreciated.

I am not making excuses for your DH but because you mamage everything so well he doesn't have to think about anything and today was obviously no different Its pretty shit of him. Has this happened before and have you explained to him how its just really poor and not how to treat someone?

I'm sure others will have better advice but I didnt want to read and not reply. I'm sure you are a wonderful person and mother and you deserve much better on this day

tanya2008
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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#3 Post by tanya2008 »

First off, Happy Birthday

im sooo sorry thats absolutely lousey. at least they could have done was make you a nice dinner, regardless of you been the organizer of events it shouldn't have anything to do with you being treated on your birthday, your Dh is bein defensive because id say he knows hes not made an effort. so sorry
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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#4 Post by Rita »

Sorry you are so down. They obviously don’t feel that they need to show you appreciation but they do.
I know my dh wouldn’t care if I got him a card or anything so only that he knows I like to celebrate he probably wouldn’t get me anything. It’s funny as his mother would always spoil them on birthdays
Pull back on what you do for them and put yourself first at times. I suspect you don’t

Mind yourself and maybe try and have a happy day after birthday . No cooking.. get a takeaway or better still arrange to meet a friend. And go and treat yourself.
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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#5 Post by carina »

Happy birthday to you.
No advice as the same goes on here. This coming Summer is my big one and I at this stage don't want anything done for it, cos it will only be because its the big one ( 50) and nothing was done for any of the others( well in the last few years anyway)
Last year was slightly better cos dd was 16 and knows how important birthdays are to me.( She got the message but dh didnt) I feel we should really celebrate the memory of the day we were born- others may disagree with me, but its one day for you. Dh made a token attempt after 24 years cos dd made him. Whilst I dont go all out for birthdays I make sure everyone has a card( important) pressie however banal and a nice treat that they like. We wont talk about xmas pressies :-) dd told dh last year what he got me was awful- and it was
I know its not the same to treat yourself, but maybe do- and let them know you have because no one else did. Us Mums do everything for everyone...
Please treat yourself and take some time out just for you, and hopefully someone will have better advice than I can give
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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#6 Post by Carmella »

That’s bad form. I know this feels all wrong but don’t get him anything for his birthday the next time. He is getting you, what he wants himself. Nothing.

As for your kids, I would say to them that they should have arranged something for their mother as a birthday gift and hopefully they will get you something at the weekend.

Don’t gloss it over, it’s not about the gift it’s about feeling thought about and appreciated and if they are older children they should be told this. In a family, everyone is equal. You would never forget their birthday like that so speak up and good luck!!

Happy birthday!!
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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#7 Post by Stripy »

Happy birthday first of all. I'm sure this is replicated in many houses. This happened to me before, not a birthday but Mother's Day. I was so fed up when it was barely acknowledged and no fuss made. So the following year I told my DH how much it meant to be made a fuss of (also applying to birthdays), I gave my DH and DC a number if items that they could choose from for my present, I told DH that he had to book a restaurant, buy a cake (not get the DC to make as it turns chaotic) and to remind the kids to make a fuss about me. He finally got the message. And I will continue to remind him each year! It's just not on some men's radars and it has to be spelt out for them. Its just hurtful when we women make a special effort for everyone else :(
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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#8 Post by NDM »

I'd be so cross. You must tell them how hurt and let down you feel and don't let them make this about you. It's about them. Selfish and taking you for granted.

You could stage a dirty protest.

Stop everything.

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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#9 Post by Mrs Yarn »

Sorry you’re feeling so crappy tonight. I hope today is a better day for you. It’s not nice to be under appreciated or taken gif granted.

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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#10 Post by Radar »

Much as Carmella says. If your children are old enough they need to be told that you are disappointed and that everyone deserves a Birthday treat . It doesn’t have to cost much . Even if it is as simple as making you cookies or cooking dinner and tidying up after and bringing you a tea or coffee. If they don’t know then you need to tell them going forward. In a calm moment you also need to tell your DH how you feel and don’t let him gloss over it. He is giving his children a very poor example of how to treat their Mother and their own future partners while also hurting your feelings. He might not think it’s important, tell him it is important to you. Don’t suffer in silence and expect it to be different in the future. You deserve to be made a fuss of on your Birthday. It’s not at all unreasonable. I think that maybe some men just don’t have that level of emotional intelligence about these things, especially if you handle all other events.
Happy Birthday to you from me . I hope you can put some changes in place going forward because it won’t just happen.
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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#11 Post by Milis »

Happy Birthday 🥳

That is absolutely crap. I don’t know how old your kids are, but you need to have a chat with your dh about this. Ask if this is the treatment he would hope for for his children from their future partners. Ask him if this is the example he is hoping to set for them, because the bar is pretty low if nothing is all he can come up with.

And as for him being busy, he is facilitated to dedicate himself to his work by all of the organising you do at home. The least he could do is show his appreciation for you once a year.

I’m annoyed for you, but make sure this is the last time this happens. Tell him what your expectations are, and remind him before your birthday next year.
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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#12 Post by Kensington »

Happy birthday and I'm so sorry this happened to you. I think it happens to a fair few mothers.

dh did nothing for one of my significant birthdays - no card, I bought my own cake because I knew the kids would be disappointed if we didn't have one, no present.nada - and the kids weren't old enough to make/buy cards without his reminding them/helping and he didn't do it. I was actually in a state of disbelief more than upset at the time. we went out for dinner a few days later and I gave it to him straight how that made me feel. he was mortified at his own behaviour. Honestly tomorrow I would tell your husband that him being upset because you are upset isn't on. He SHOULD be upset. He should be upset that he disappointed you. He didn't make any effort and he needs to own that and realise that it made you feel like shit.

Depending on how old the kids are I would also sit them down and have a conversation. they need to be taught that you matter as much as anyone in the house and that if you are a family that celebrates birthdays then everyone gets a celebration.

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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#13 Post by Iamsoneedy »

That’s crap. I’d be really annoyed with your husband and even more annoyed that he got thick about it. It’s lousy.

Plan something at the weekend with a friend? Take yourself off and enjoy yourself and let them fend for themselves.

Happy birthday!

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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#14 Post by ali »

Birthdays can be tricky as everyone has had different experiences growing up so it can be hard to get it right. You need to explain to him that they are important to you, it is of no relevence his opinion, its your birthday, its an important day for you, you want to feel appreciated and loved on this day so he needs to celebrate it. You dont say how old your kids are, if they are young then its your dh who needs to take the lead and show them how to appreciate their mother. If they are teens then sit them down separately to your husband and tell them what you said to us in your opening post.

Personally I wouldnt be doing any "protests" or "downing tools", as I feel it turns it a little juvenile. Keep it serious, this is a big deal for you, tell them how upset and hurt you are.

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Re: Feeling unappreciated on birthday.

#15 Post by Jumping Bean »

Wishing you a happy birthday OP.

I think you have every right to be annoyed as that is pretty shitty what your family have done.

I don’t get the excuse that your dh didn’t have time to organise it. As I told my dh one year, my birthday is the same days every single year, you’ve known for months in advance so don’t give me a pathetic excuse like that.

As others have said, if you’re kids are old enough explain how hurt you are.

It’s horrible to be unappreciated when you put so much effort into everyone else’s special day.

Drink the Prosecco and feck then all!

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