That's typical behaviour of an alcoholic, pretending that it didn't happen. (Add in being sheepish and acting the victim, being on their best behaviour for a short period)
You messaged him to say you needed to talk and couldn't continue living like this. But you are/will by enabling his behaviour.
Again, my being blunt, I repeat, you are enabling his behaviour by standing by doing nothing, no consequences. So nothing will change.
The Christmas period is coming up. An Alcoholics favourite holiday, with basically a green card to get pissed.
Please get yourself to Al-anon or counselling.
Do you have a close friend or family member that you can confide in?
Wishing you strength.
Alcoholic?
Re: Alcoholic?
Sorry to see you are going through this Feckit
My ex husband is an alcoholic. Your husband's behaviour is ringing so many bells with me. I was there. I lived through it. I enabled it. He continued to carry on as he was for as long as he did because I didn't take the bull by the horns and confront it.
I finally did. He denied he had any issue with alcohol despite it being blatantly obvious to everyone. I won't go into my story but by saying nothing you are enabling his drinking and validating his behaviour.
Saying that it's extremely difficult to start the conversation so I can 100% understand you holding off. Nodrog gives you excellent advice. I would say please contact Al-anon today. They are amazing and even just picking up the phone to them and voicing your concerns will help you a lot.
My ex husband is an alcoholic. Your husband's behaviour is ringing so many bells with me. I was there. I lived through it. I enabled it. He continued to carry on as he was for as long as he did because I didn't take the bull by the horns and confront it.
I finally did. He denied he had any issue with alcohol despite it being blatantly obvious to everyone. I won't go into my story but by saying nothing you are enabling his drinking and validating his behaviour.
Saying that it's extremely difficult to start the conversation so I can 100% understand you holding off. Nodrog gives you excellent advice. I would say please contact Al-anon today. They are amazing and even just picking up the phone to them and voicing your concerns will help you a lot.
Re: Alcoholic?
OP hope you are doing okay, I've been thinking of you.
PM me if you feel like chatting in confidence. I cannot contact you as your profile is anon.
PM me if you feel like chatting in confidence. I cannot contact you as your profile is anon.
Re: Alcoholic?
Thanks Nodrog. I'm ok. All the posts and advice have given me food for thought. I don't know quite how or when I will properly stick my head over the parapet and have the full on discussion with him. He still hasn't said a word about my message to him 10 days ago, but there was no weekend binge this weekend. He had a few but nothing mad. I know by him that he gets that I'm not happy with the level of consumption. That doesn't solve anything really but I hope I am planting a seed. I really appreciate your offer to pm and might take you up on that sometime. Being honest though, the head is kind of going back in the sand for now - too many other things needing my attention at the moment. I'll see how it goes over the next while....thanks again x
Re: Alcoholic?
Feckit I can hear from you writing that you are scared and fed up . We have multiple alcoholics in my family unfortunately. My mother in law is a life long drinker and it started out as an evening drink , then weekend days , then all the time. My DH has been affected so much by this and has huge resentment.
My brother is another. He was an 'occasional' drinker in his words. But there always seemed to be an occasion. like his team was playing, having a friend over, his wife went out so he had the telly to himself. it was a Friday night. He could go a week without and that was his reason that he wasn't an alcoholic. Sure look iv not had a drink in a week, but then he would be back and drinking again. He is such a lovely person but very shy, he used it as a clutch at first but hen relied on it. His 6 year old son ask me why his daddy drank. My brother, if drinking at home, would wait until the kids went to bed, they would normally only see him drinking if they where out with him. But when they saw him, he may not have been drunk but he was slightly louder than normal, happier seemed in great form . all things his kids picked up on and it made them very uncomfortable. They could also tell that the next morning he wasn't himself, he would be tired and short with them.
Things came to a head when he was out and got very drunk, his wife had enough and told him its his family or the drink. that was last December and he has been sober since. As someone else said before, it is his decision but it took a kick up the hole to get him to make that decision. Thankfully he is doing great. He did go talk to someone one to one. AA would not be for him as he is too shy.
I hope you can have a talk with him,
My brother is another. He was an 'occasional' drinker in his words. But there always seemed to be an occasion. like his team was playing, having a friend over, his wife went out so he had the telly to himself. it was a Friday night. He could go a week without and that was his reason that he wasn't an alcoholic. Sure look iv not had a drink in a week, but then he would be back and drinking again. He is such a lovely person but very shy, he used it as a clutch at first but hen relied on it. His 6 year old son ask me why his daddy drank. My brother, if drinking at home, would wait until the kids went to bed, they would normally only see him drinking if they where out with him. But when they saw him, he may not have been drunk but he was slightly louder than normal, happier seemed in great form . all things his kids picked up on and it made them very uncomfortable. They could also tell that the next morning he wasn't himself, he would be tired and short with them.
Things came to a head when he was out and got very drunk, his wife had enough and told him its his family or the drink. that was last December and he has been sober since. As someone else said before, it is his decision but it took a kick up the hole to get him to make that decision. Thankfully he is doing great. He did go talk to someone one to one. AA would not be for him as he is too shy.
I hope you can have a talk with him,
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- Nodrog • Iamanisland
My Princess is 12
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My little 'big girl' is 6
Re: Alcoholic?
I'm sorry you're going through this Feckit. My father drank similar amounts to your dh and the damage was enormous. He was not an aggressive drunk, but it always felt like he was unpredictable and I was often worried that he would embarrass me in front of others (and he did). We all did our best to support our mother, and I ended up as a co-dependent and people pleaser, something I have only really come to terms with in recent times. The effects of alcohol are insidious and it is a whole family affair. Maybe you could have a read of Co-dependent No More by Melody Beattie. It might give you some insight into the effects on you and your children of living with an alcoholic, even if you are not seeing them right now.
Re: Alcoholic?
http://www.al-anon-ireland.org/electronic-meetings/
Head in the sand is understandable, until the next time and the time after that. How many times have there been before?
Priority wise, nothing is more important than your mental health and your children's childhood. Which, believe me, is being affected by your DHs drinking.
Please make time for a zoom with Alanon. I think you could allow yourself 60 minutes some day this week?
Head in the sand is understandable, until the next time and the time after that. How many times have there been before?
Priority wise, nothing is more important than your mental health and your children's childhood. Which, believe me, is being affected by your DHs drinking.
Please make time for a zoom with Alanon. I think you could allow yourself 60 minutes some day this week?
Re: Alcoholic?
Hope you are holding up OK Feckit.
Yup your DH knows you have cottoned on to him and are not pleased. So he reigned it in this weekend. And he might keep it reigned in next weekend too and maybe for a few more weekends. But he won't hold it in forever. It's a cycle and unfortunately he is stuck in the cycle and so are you and the kids. This cycle will repeat over and over again until somebody calls a halt to it.
Nodrog gives excellent advice once again. Please listen to her. Especially with Christmas so close. Our Christmases were hell with ex's drinking. It's a real flash point for alcoholics. Please contact AlAnon before then.
Yup your DH knows you have cottoned on to him and are not pleased. So he reigned it in this weekend. And he might keep it reigned in next weekend too and maybe for a few more weekends. But he won't hold it in forever. It's a cycle and unfortunately he is stuck in the cycle and so are you and the kids. This cycle will repeat over and over again until somebody calls a halt to it.
Nodrog gives excellent advice once again. Please listen to her. Especially with Christmas so close. Our Christmases were hell with ex's drinking. It's a real flash point for alcoholics. Please contact AlAnon before then.
Re: Alcoholic?
As the daughter of an alcoholic I know that they are the most stubborn and manipulative people and will convince themselves they they are just “having the craic” and not an alcoholic. They can twist and turn things so easily and the pretending nothing happened or was said the next day is a real trait of theirs. My dad was in his early 40s when things escalated so although things are bad now, an illness or a parents death can really escalate their drinking so the sooner he gets help the better.
Really feel for you because it’s not an easy road but he may just realise how bad things are and he might get help. So many alcoholics can recover and I hope this will be the case for your husband.
Really feel for you because it’s not an easy road but he may just realise how bad things are and he might get help. So many alcoholics can recover and I hope this will be the case for your husband.
Re: Alcoholic?
I know you are all right, this will replay over and over. And I’m really not sure at what point I will be able to make a move. I hate confrontation but if I am honest I dream of not having this stress all the time. And it’s not going to go away unless / until I make that move. Thanks for sharing your experiences, it is helping me to think about this more. I have definitely been in denial or at least trying not to consciously think about the situation too much. It’s probably time for me to start facing up to this issue. Might take me a while though…procrastination is one of my own challenges! I really appreciate all of your points and suggestions x
Re: Alcoholic?
It doesn't have to begin with confrontation.
It can and should begin with you getting the professional help and support that YOU need that wil give you the strength to realise:
You are married to an alcoholic.
This man is pissing your money away- money belonging to you and your children. Money you could be saving.
He is not a good father. Not a good role model and not a good husband.
He is irresponsible- you are the primary carer for your children. If something happened in the middle of the night and you need to get to the hospital for example, your husband wouldn't be able to drive. So, you cannot depend on him. He doesn't have your back.
He doesn't put you or your children first. Alcohol comes first.
You dream of not having this stress all of the time. This *stress* is your husbands doing. I would be giving him an ultimatum, get sober or get out.
It can and should begin with you getting the professional help and support that YOU need that wil give you the strength to realise:
You are married to an alcoholic.
This man is pissing your money away- money belonging to you and your children. Money you could be saving.
He is not a good father. Not a good role model and not a good husband.
He is irresponsible- you are the primary carer for your children. If something happened in the middle of the night and you need to get to the hospital for example, your husband wouldn't be able to drive. So, you cannot depend on him. He doesn't have your back.
He doesn't put you or your children first. Alcohol comes first.
You dream of not having this stress all of the time. This *stress* is your husbands doing. I would be giving him an ultimatum, get sober or get out.
Re: Alcoholic?
Op I think you are moving to a place in your head where you will be able to take action. Keep talking and thinking. Make a little step by step plan for yourself. Like tomorrow get the details for alAnon, make time for it next week. Get in touch with your local resource centre for low cost counselling. Small steps to help YOU see a way forward.
Re: Alcoholic?
Sorry OP, I re read my message above and I came across as quite bossy. So apologies for that.
I am quite passionate about this because I did exactly what your Husband is doing to you and I'm still not over the guilt of the years of hurt I have caused to my DH and DC's. Also, I think I've been on mumsnet too much where they really talk straight, no softly softly over there, they pretty much say things as they are.
Of course you need time to get yourself into the right mindset to make changes.
So apologies again, please do keep posting.
I am quite passionate about this because I did exactly what your Husband is doing to you and I'm still not over the guilt of the years of hurt I have caused to my DH and DC's. Also, I think I've been on mumsnet too much where they really talk straight, no softly softly over there, they pretty much say things as they are.
Of course you need time to get yourself into the right mindset to make changes.
So apologies again, please do keep posting.
Re: Alcoholic?
Nodrog you are still going through the hurt and I could feel that from your post. My mother went through it for years and stuck by my dad until he left her. He was a good person and a good dad once upon a time but alcohol changed all of that. He passed away 7 years ago at a young age from alcohol and its only now that I can look back on it and realise he was sick. He didn't mean to hurt us all so much but he had issues from childhood (his mother was an alcoholic) and he just never got help or the right kind of help.
I do know people who have come back from this when they have addressed their issues they have lived their lives normally and stayed sober. Its an awful disease that ruins lives and its so prevalent in Ireland with our love for "the few pints" Alarm bells ring when I talk to people who go out every night or have a drink every night, its a slippery slope. I know that at the start of Covid my uptake soared but because of my dads history once I realised it I cut down on alcohol.
I do know people who have come back from this when they have addressed their issues they have lived their lives normally and stayed sober. Its an awful disease that ruins lives and its so prevalent in Ireland with our love for "the few pints" Alarm bells ring when I talk to people who go out every night or have a drink every night, its a slippery slope. I know that at the start of Covid my uptake soared but because of my dads history once I realised it I cut down on alcohol.