Alcoholic?

[Feckit]

I’ve probably opened a can of worms in my marriage tonight. I think dh is an alcoholic and I’ve been sticking my head in the sand about it for years. He was in the pub for 8 hours today. Again. I whatsapped him and said I couldn’t continue to live with this behavior any more and that we will have to talk about it. He’s arrived home and slunk into bed and he’s asleep. At least I didn’t have to deal with him trying to have a conversation tonight. I’m in the spare room, wide awake. This could totally blow up or he’ll just play it down and I’ll probably back off. But it’s the first time I have openly used the word alcoholic to him, so he’ll probably be shocked or angry about that. But it’s not normal, is it? We had a night away ourselves last night, something we only do once or twice a year. Cheap and cheerful hotel break. Dinner and a few drinks. I was dying today because I’m a total lightweight! But we came home at lunchtime and after a couple of hours in the garden he ‘went to watch the match’ at 4. And arrived home after midnight. And he’ll probably go to the pub tomorrow. Not for as long, because he’ll be working on Tuesday. But he rarely has a day without a drink. It’s the first thing he reaches for when he comes in from work. A beer. He often has 3 or 4 in the evening. And god knows how many when he’s in the pub. It absolutely doesn’t affect his work. But he’s way over the recommended weekly limit, every week. And he’s pissing away money we could be saving (and could do with saving). And I think it’s a terrible example for our kids. They know he goes to the pub a lot and he drinks all the time at home. Neither he nor I had parents who drank and I hate that this is what our kids are seeing. The only saving grace from that point of view is he’d never drink enough at home to be drunk. He’d come in from the pub drunk but the kids never see that. I’m just fed up with it. I don’t see myself as the long suffering wife of an alcoholic as we get older. I’m already sure there are people who comment that he’s always in the pub and wondering who his doormat wife is. I don’t know why I’m posting really….it’s just a late night rant. I’ll probably just keep putting up with it. I’m almost 100% certain he’s not going to change because he doesn’t really care how I feel. Guaranteed he’ll try to turn it back on me tomorrow and somehow it’ll be all my fault anyway. Feckit anyhow. Don’t mind me, it just feels good to write it down. Have no one IRL to tell this to.

[Nodrog]

As an alcoholic I can relate.

Your H is an alcoholic. I will say that again. He is an alcoholic.

You say it doesn't affect his work, I can 100% say that it does/has/will affect his work. And although he may not be drunk in front of the kids, the older they get the more aware they will become. He drinks up to 4 beers a home most nights, believe me, they know.

You are the main parent, all of the responsibility lies on your shoulders, he cannot be responsible in an emergency situation in the middle of the night because he is drunk. So basically, you are doing all of the parenting.

Does he drive? He is likely over the limit each morning after a night of drinking, putting himself and others in danger. Not to mention the €€€€€ he is pissing down the loo. Pints are expensive.
Nothing you can say or do will make him change unless he wants to.

My advice, get yourself to Al-anon. Get counselling and support for yourself, it will be a rocky road.
Is this the life you want for you and your children?
Do you want to stay married to him? If not, start making plans now.

Have your talk today. His reaction may be. *he enjoys a few pints, works hard, brings home money, you don't go without, can stop if he wants, you are exaggerating, he was drunk because his team won*...

What exactly does he add to your life/family/relationship? He is gone at the weekend to the pub. When does he parent?

To be blunt. An ultimatum is what is needed. He either stops drinking or your marriage is over. Softly softly won't work. He needs to recognise that he has a problem. If he doesn't/won't then nothing you can say or do will change him. Be strong and please pm me if I can help.

[CocoRose]

Advice above. I am hoping people don't come in with the 'only he can change himself' line that is trotted out so often in these conversations because while true at a fundamental level in terms of stopping drinking, I've seen lots of people change from a solid boot up the arse in that direction first, which I think your DH needs. Your wording seems to slip back to 'I'll probably keep putting up with it' here which worries me because so many do just put up with it, you deserve better. His health will deteriorate, his brain function too and I really hope you make a plan and don't keep putting up with it.

[HeyJude]

Nodrog gave you great advice. Please do what you need to do now, if not for yourself (and it should be or yourself) then for your kids.

[purple star]

Yes definitely sounds like he is drinking far too much. I actually couldn't stand that. I hope he can manage to see he needs to stop. No advice really but def sounds like he has a problem.

Please mind yourself and the kids.

[DiscoGirl]

You are in control of how this situation goes, you don’t have to keep putting up with it , tell him either to get help or he is out,he will say /do anything to twist this around , that’s not much good to you so look after yourself and your children first , the best of luck and you really should open up to a friend or family member

[Tobo]

It doesn't have to be like this. You shouldn't have to put up with it.
Unless your kids are babies, they've already noticed. And as they get older, they will notice more.
Don't stand by and put up with it.

[Sally]

Great advice from Nodrog above. Worth reading and re-reading.

You’ve reached a possible turning point in your and your kids lives, and of course your DHs.
Stay strong and act on those feelings from last night, or the chance for change might evaporate.

Good luck with it,

[Joanne12]

I know a long suffering wife of someone who could have been described exactly as you describe your dh. She has ended up bitter, resentful and miserable having stayed with him until he passed away from alcohol related issues. I think you know yourself you need to do something. Best of luck with it.

[StarryNight]

The kids will know he's coming in drunk. They'll know he changes when he's drinking even if they're not there in the pub.
Nodrog has fantastic advice. And I agree with the comment on not being able to make someone give up drink. I have seen first hand how effective an absolute and final statement to an alcoholic has been in getting the person to realise they had to quit or they'd be out the door and no further contact with family.

[DiscoGirl]

Kids know, and never forget

[socky2]

I was listening to a friend yesterday talking about her dad's drinking when we were growing up. It sounds very like what you describe. He is a nice guy, kept his job etc but got much worse after retirement.
The effect on my friend and her sister was deep. I never knew this, but she never had friends over after 7pm in case he came in drunk, she was always worried he would hurt himself by falling etc.
I hope you can find a way to move forward. Well done for starting to realise what needs to change.

[Nodrog]

How are you doing OP?
Did you sit down with your H and talk?
I've been thinking of you a lot today.
Please post and let us know how you are.

[Lady Madonna]

Why would he turn it back on you when you've done nothing wrong if only to deflect attention away from himself?
When can you go out to the pub and not go home til you feel like it and not have to think about where the money would be better spent? He quite possibly has excuses lined up for himself already.

I hope if you have any sort of conversation today he'll be some way reasonable, you are not the one at fault here but you need to put yourself first and do what you think is best for yourself and your children. Children notice a lot more than we think, my friend was 7 when her dad stopped drinking and she can remember being in bed and hearing him coming in to the house and going up the stairs like an elephant, falling, puking etc. Her mother telling him to keep the noise down, the awkward atmosphere in the morning. Sometimes he didn't come home at all so they'd be lying awake worrying what he'd be like when he came home but also worrying if he didn't come home had something happened. She has only great things to say about Al-anon, she said her mother got great help there and when her father saw that she was no longer going to be a pushover he went to AA himself. It wasn't easy and he had a few relapses but he must be about 30 years off it now.

There's also his own health to consider, I know a few men from my mother's peer group who have always been regular social drinkers who got stomach cancer quite young, I've heard of a few young women getting liver disease recently. Alcohol is a depressant, his mood mustn't be great after it.

I hope things improve for you and your children somehow.

[Feckit]

Thanks everyone, particularly Nodrog for your experience. I decided to see what he’d say after my message last night. Not a word. Absolutely no reference to last night at all, all day. We even went for a walk this afternoon and while I could have started the conversation I just wanted to wait and see if he would. Nope. So I chickened out for now. Just can’t be doing with the drama today. But it’s coming. I just need to pick my time and pluck up the courage. Again, thank you all.