Small party

[Guest]

It’s an overnight stay for her 50th. A special birthday. I flew from Dublin for her 40th despite having tiny children - she organised that celebration. I’ve been to her 30th birthday - she organised that celebration and many many in between.

It’s not a random birthday. A special celebration.

I feel I should be there not my sister - I think Kensington had a valid point about sharing friends with sisters.

I’m a big girl I’ll get over it but it’s crushed me. My sister could have intervened in many many many ways - said no I’ll do something with me - we could have organised something together. She said yes knowing I’ll be gutted, she’s going along knowing I’m gutted not to be included. It my sister who clearly doesn’t think as much of me that I thought. She doesn’t have to go to this party. Now she won’t leave me alone to try to justify this. Zero respect.

I might message the organiser. I’m trying to think do I went to go somewhere I’m not wanted.

[mcmammy2]

I can understand you are hurt. However there may be a myriad of reasons why you didn't get an invite. While your sister could have asked to include you if relations are not great it may be unreasonable to expect her to do so. If you make this about your sister you are at risk of further damaging the relationship with her and making your friends birthday about you and your relationship with your sister. I would be unhappy if I organized a birthday or someone organised a birthday for me and it was tainted by family relations of friends. The friend's birthday celebrations are about her and her day.

If you feel you want to go then shelve the issues with your sister. Ask the host if you can attend tactfully. Other posters have suggested reasonable approaches you can make to the organiser. Exclusion can be intentional or unintentional. We do not know which this was. Either way it can hurt but projecting that hurt on to your sister will not help you and I doubt will be looked upon favourably by other parties. Reach out ask if you can go and enjoy it if you go.

[Carmella]

Bitches!!!!

Don’t worry you have plenty of sisters here, we will have a party and not invite them to it! Right here! It’s their loss.

[Happymammy]

Is this celebration maybe just for her group of friends who live in the same area and socialise together? Adding another person to that group for a night away can change the dynamic drastically. Even if you initially introduced your sister and your bridesmaid, they may now belong to the same circle of friends in the city they live in. Friendships do change over time also, especially when distance is thrown into the mix.
Could you organise another weekend away with your friend to celebrate the birthday?
Apologies if I've misunderstood and most or all the people invited would be your friends too.
I still think it is unfair to blame your sister when she wasn't the organiser, and it's unrealistic to expect her to ask them to invite you also when you yourself describe your relationship as frenemies at best.

[Rita]

Organise a weekend with your friend. There doesn't have to be just one celebration..lots of people now do different gatherings for special birthdays
Do something special for the 2 of you. She sounds like a good friend.

[Kensington]

God I don't know OP. I'm tempted to say text mutual friend and say "sister mentioned get together -just wanted you to know that I would happily travel even in covid for a party for X" but honestly I'm not sure I'd do it myself. I hope I would.

I think Rita's idea is a good one - reach out to the friend and say "any plans for the big birthday? I'd love to spend it with you"

What happymammy said

Is this celebration maybe just for her group of friends who live in the same area and socialise together? Adding another person to that group for a night away can change the dynamic drastically. Even if you initially introduced your sister and your bridesmaid, they may now belong to the same circle of friends in the city they live in. Friendships do change over time also, especially when distance is thrown into the mix.

Is possibly right - and is sound advice - but I don't think people who don't have a tricky but real relationship with a sister can understand how awful it would be for your sister - whom you introduced to yoru friend = to now be more important in your old friend group than you are. I left Ireland years ago but 2 of my best friends are still there - we have stayed friends though all the years. They both know my sister and like her but don't socialise together. But I can imagine if she was suddenly in their intimate group and I was out I'd be devastated.

[Let down]

Kensington I think you hit the nail on the head.

Just to clarify they don’t socialise together - I think my sister is invited as she sees a bit of my goof pal. I don’t think she’s ever seen the organiser socially so it’s a bit random. I hand on heart think my sister should have said no. Maybe that’s distorted I don’t know but it’s not her oldest ever friend in the world that she had to be there. She choose to say yes knowing how I’d feel. It’s really knocked me.

[LucyS]

Is the small party perhaps just a group of friends who meet up regularly and on this occasion the group is getting together to celebrate a 50th birthday. It could be very different to a 50th party where the host invites her closest friends.

[Let down]

No. My sister never meets up with them just my friend. It’s chosen as a random selection of “close” friends who o would know well and my sister wouldn’t at all.

[CocoRose]

It sounds to me like the birthday girl would want you there and the person organising has made an oversight she may not be aware of. The birthday girl might actually feel quite bad on the night looking around and asking where is x? So it might be important for you to flag with the organiser that you've been to all her previous big bdays and you'd like to join.

It sounds like you are most disappointed your sister can't acknowledge this hurt, logistically it is not her problem obviously but it sounds like you expected more from her.

I will say though that the fact you are down might be making this into something much bigger than it is, shaking you to your core etc. As someone above said, try look at this whole situation as a bit of a fk up that no one really realises they've made, and that the intentions are not to hurt you to your core at all x

[DiscoGirl]

I’m just wondering would you enjoy it if your sister is going?
Would you be better off arranging a special day out just for you and your friend?

[Unnamed Poster 8]

Post Deleted

[mcmammy2]

I agree with LP and DG could you organize a separate celebration? I know if it was me and I held bad feeling for a member of a party I would find it hard to relax and enjoy the day.

[Vino]

.

I might message the organiser. I’m trying to think do I went to go somewhere I’m not wanted.

Have you any issues with the organiser, do you know her well?
I would message something bright and breezy about how you were chatting to your sister and would love to be included as it's relatively easy for you to make the trip then. Add in that you don't want to upset plans that's already made if it doesn't suit and see what she says.
I doubt very much it's a case you're not wanted, most likely an over sight or assumption in current times. If the organiser has an issue with you, you've given her a get out clause and as you say you wouldn't want to go if she's leaving you out on purpose.

[CocoRose]

Surprise parties are a bit risky for so many reasons and this being one. Anyone who organises them particularly an overnight must be a fairly relaxed person and maybe that's another reason why they haven't thought through the potential politics of this situation