Small party

[Let down]

A bit of background to contextualise the situation - I lived abroad for many years and made some fantastic friends. My sister lived in the same city but didn’t socialise with us. There is a long history with my sister and I and I’d say we’re frenemies. Never got on that well but always sought each other out. My sister and a friend from the city were my bridesmaids and afterwards saw a bit of each other. I’m back in Ireland so saw less of my friend but we were always in touch I visited her, lots of celebrations together.

Another mutual friend has organised a small surprise birthday over night stay. My sister has been invited. I haven’t. I’m heartbroken. I feel very upset and excluded. I should be there, no reason at all why I shouldn’t. My sister shouldn’t be there and me not. She doesn’t see it this way. I feel totally betrayed. My by my sister I think than anyone. She keeps saying it’s not her doing but she knew I’d be upset.

I’m feeling very low at the moment and this has really further dampened my spirit.

I know it’s not the end of the world but really it’s shook me to the core.

[Kensington]

I'm so sorry you are feeling like this and sorry you are feeling low. My best friend from college and I talk about "friend theft" as a running joke. She ended up sharing an apartment with my best friend from school - I introduced them as they were both looking for rental in the same city - and became independently friendly with her. I was fine with that but tbh I would not be fine with my sister becoming good friends with a good friend - nothing rational about it but the sister relationship for many people can be ... interesting.

Honestly your sister wasn't the one who did the invitations- it was the mutual friend so your sister had very little control of the situation. Is it possible that because of travel restrictions and general covid stuff, the mutual friend simply thought you wouldn't want to travel and therefore didn't invite you? Could you talk to the mutual friend?

[janeymac]

It sounds very hurtful.
To be honest, I would think your sister should have said, 'oh I think Mary would love to go along too'.
I would feel very upset to be left out by the friend and of course by your sister pretending not to understand the situation and how hurtful it is to you. Whether it was her doing or not is irrelevant.
It is hurtful.
Would you consider letting it be known you'd be up for meeting that night? Mention to the mutual friend? Get in touch and say your sister told you about the get together and you're free? Or get your sister to do the asking. Would she really go along solo in these circumstances knowing that you felt excluded?
The other thing is difficult but I 'd say either put yourself forward for it or let it go. Try not to dwell on it.

[Vino]

Where did this night happen? Is it in Ireland or a fair bit away from where you are now?

[Let down]

The party hasn’t happened yet - it’s being planned for the new year.

I do think my sister should and could have said something. She’s big and bold enough in my aspects to call people on things. Dismissing her behaviour that she couldn’t as it’s not her gig is just adding insult to injury. She a hundred knows I’d be upset by this.

I could message friend and invite myself along - not sure how it would go down but I probably don’t care. It won’t take the hurt away by not being invited or by my sisters actions. I’ve been really knocked for 6 by it especially by my sisters lack of thought.

[Let down]

To add party in Europe which I could easily get to.

[Novbaby31]

I can see why you are feeling hurt by this. It is outside your sister's control though, she didn't issue the invites. Are you expecting her not to go because you weren't invited? Or are you upset that she was invited at all?

Is the birthday surprise celebration for the friend who was your bridesmaid? If so I would reach out to the mutual friend organiser and say you'd love to go. Mind you I think your sister should have done that on your behalf already if I have understood the situation correctly so I get your disappointment that she hasn't.

Sometimes what can work well is to assume the best of people and that it was simple oversight or thoughtlessness on the mutual friend's part rather than deliberate intent and work from there. So reaching out and saying you'd love to join allows for mutual friend to correct this if it is that. you have to be willing to be a little vulnerable to this but it moves you from being a passive actor in the situation and gives you back a little more control.

And remember your friend who was your bridesmaid has no idea any of this is happening, what has happened is a third party (mutual friend) has made assumptions or omissions on their behalf. And in an ideal world your sister should have corrected that for you but as you have said you don't have the closest relationship.

[August]

The party is for your bridesmaid and is taking place in the original country you all lived in? Do the others all still live there? It is quite possible that you were not invited so as not to put you under pressure to travel. Or because it is just a small low key local affair. Maybe inviting you from abroad opens up a whole kettle of worms in terms of inviting other friends/family from abroad or turning it into a larger or more complicated affair?

I’d do as NovBaby31 suggests, assume the best and then maybe try to figure out if it is really something that it suits to go to, from both theirs and your perspective. I can totally see why you are feeling hurt but maybe it’s not really about who is better friends but more about logistics, especially because it is not actually being organised by your good friend herself.

[HeyJude]

I can understand that you feel hurt and it's hard to be left out, epecially as the girls whose party it is was your bridesmaid.

It sounds like another person organised the party so she was the one who picked the guests and it was really nothing to do with either your sister or your bridesmaid (unless she asked about you and they said no which I assume they didn't). I assume you only know about it because your sister is invited and other than that it would have passed by without you knowing. I would let it go. It wasn't up to your sister to suggest you be invited unless she was asked for suggestions which I assume she wasn't. If you feel ike being annoyed at someone, then it should be the girl who organised the party, but then if it's outside of Ireland and they all live there and you don't, I can understand why they didn't ask you. Don't let it eat you up or ruin your relationship with your sister. It's not her fault.

[Let down]

Logistically or financially it’s not difficult for me to get to.

I know my friend isn’t organising it and I know she wouldn’t exclude me.

I suppose I feel most let down my sister. She knows how low and hard things are for me at the moment, she knows how sensitive I am. She knows how it would affect me but basically didn’t care. Doesn’t care and dismisses my feelings. It’s not the first time but it’s usually relating to family stuff which doesn’t bother me but now that’s it encroaching on friends it feels all the more hurtful. It’s that realisation. It’s just so hurtful. I really feel dumb stuck by it. My sister didn’t/doesn’t have to go. Could have managed this situation but it feels like it’s being rubbed into my face.

It’s just really crushed me.

[RedHen]

Do all the others attending live in the same city as the bridesmaid? It's possible that the mutual friend organising assumed with Covid that others might not want to travel. I do think your sister could have said that you'd probably like to be invited too. If you know the mutual friend, I'd contact her and say you'd like to be there.

[Vino]

I think your annoyance at your sister is misdirected. A mutual friend asked her, she really isn't doing anything wrong. I think it's unfair to expect her to refuse invitations because you're feeling sensitive right now. In the nicest possible way, your sisters social life in a different country really shouldn't upset you. Is there something more going on in your life that you can't show your true feelings about? Maybe you're unwittingly directing those negative feelings towards your sister just to let frustrations out?

Personally I think I'd message the mutual friend and say you'd love to come and it's easy enough for you to do so and would she be ok with this.

[Millie]

Edited because I got the wrong end of the stick.

If it were me OP I would contact the organiser to let her know you were overlooked. I wouldn’t think about it too deeply.

Sorry you feel so bad at the moment.

[Vino]

I know you are hurt and I really know how you feel. This person has decided you are not friend enough to invite. You have no choice but to accept this. But you can go on living a great life without this person in it and make it clear to your sister that you don’t care anymore about the invitation or about what this person does or doesn’t do and you have moved on. Honestly, it is cathartic.

It's not her friend who was bridesmaid who hasn't invited her it's a mutual friend of theirs. I can understand not inviting people who don't live in the same country for a small surprise birthday party, especially during the pandemic.

[Kowalski]

How did you find about the party in the first place? From your sister or someone else? I’d ask the mutual friend about it. Not easy though.