Am I expecting too much from DH?

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Grumpy bear
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Am I expecting too much from DH?

#1 Post by Grumpy bear »

I've gone anon for this one. Some background on this. Covid aside, we have had a really tough few years. We've had an additional needs diagnosis, serious illness for more than one family member, an elderly relative needing extra care and the death of an immediate family member. And that's just the big stuff. Lots of other crappy smaller things have happened us to. Covid just made everything much harder to deal with. DH was struggling so spoke to his GP and got signed off work. Advice was don't just expect to go back to work fine if you do nothing to help yourself while you're off. So cert finishes, he doesn't go back to work and has done nothing the doctor suggested. I struggle with my own mental health and sympathise with him but I'm carrying the family all by myself nad have done the lion's share of keeping us going for the last few years so am annoyed that he is just dossing round the house all day and won't seek help.

He did very little to help around the house anyway but I let it go because he was working full time and I knew he was finding work stressful. Bar going for walks he is sitting round the house all day watching tv while I run myself ragged trying to look after DS and help out other family members. I stopped my part time job earlier in the year because I just could't balance everything and was exhausted. DH did suggest maybe i should speak to someone about everything that has gone on but I did try a community counselling service a few years ago and ended up with a not very empathetic counsellor so left after one session. He won't take his own advice though. Says he just doesn't see himself speaking to someone. The Doc did recommend a counsellor who could help but he won't contact her.

As a petty example, the saucepans he used last night are still in the kitchen sink and he's still in bed and I've already battled with DS to get him ready for his school bus. Given he has so much time to himself AIBU to expect he might spend some time with DS to give me a break or do a bit round the house. There's no talking to him. I asked him yesterday of he had contacted the doctor to extend his cert and got a smart answer. I find it very hard to be supportive when he won't help himself and he knows how hard daily life is for me. I don't have the luxury of just giving up although there are days when I want to just pull the duvet over my head and not get up.

Sorry for the rant but just need to get it out.

Elsie
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Re: Am I expecting too much from DH?

#2 Post by Elsie »

let it out! you are not being unreasonable and you need to sit him down and say look i know you told me to go see someone as im struggling but the reasons i am struggling is because i feel like i am doing it all myself. As you are not working at the moment we need to put some things in place and if we pull together then i think we will both feel better and it will be easier for us all.
By staying in bed is not helping your mental health, so how about you get up and get ds ready which would be a great help. We can then make a list of the stuff that needs to be done today and we can get it done in jig time... jeez maybe we could even have a nice walk together. Then on the third day for example put contact doctor about cert. make it like any other thing on the list. something that needs to be done and checked off.
Best of luck, its been a really hard time for you all but you cant keep going forever and you need to tell him that with a bit of support you can do it together x

mcmammy2
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Re: Am I expecting too much from DH?

#3 Post by mcmammy2 »

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I would have the rage. I understand he has depression and that is hard so I would imagine you would have to deal with it compassionately. Could you sit him down and say you feel overwhelmed it is too much doing everything and he has to do his part. I don't know enough about depression but I can imagine sitting in watching TV doesn't help. I could imagine if he started engaging, tidying up, getting his child ready for school and bringing him to school it would be better than watching tv. I get that depression is not easy but you can't do everything your physical, mental and emotional state is important too and you can't go on like that. What would happen if you drove yourself into the ground and ended up sick as a result (that is a very real outcome of being run ragged)?

kahlan
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Re: Am I expecting too much from DH?

#4 Post by kahlan »

Of course you are not expecting too much. You don't say if your husband is actually unwell in some way although I am assuming there is some question of depression? He absolutely needs to start to support you and to deal with his own issues if that will make him better. If he is able to sit around watching TV and he can cook for himself (referencing the pots in the sink) and go for walks then he can flipping well pitch in to family life, whether he feels like it or not. I'd be sitting down with him and as Elsie said, being firm that you both need to work together to run the house etc. I would definitely use a written planner / schedule / calendar / list and break down the tasks and responsibilities and share them out fairly. If you can work with him to agree on the list, he really has no excuse to back out when it's his turn! It is also far better for his mood (although he might not see it intially) to be productive and achieving things and active. You can help by being encouraging and even if it kills you (!) showing that you appreciate his efforts. It would be nice if he would do the same for you. It can be really hard to have these kinds of conversations because we can easily slip into roles where we are overworked and resentful and cross with our partners but if you are brave you can start the conversation today and it could make all the difference. Whether he goes for help for himself is up to him - but if he at least starts to support you more that's something. And also for yourself, counselling is often about kissing some frogs before you meet the handsome prince - don't give up, just look around and find someone else. Best of luck.

StarryNight
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Re: Am I expecting too much from DH?

#5 Post by StarryNight »

What are his good qualities?

Muggins
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Re: Am I expecting too much from DH?

#6 Post by Muggins »

You are not expecting too much.
You need a list, a practical list of everything to be done each day.
Start off small, tell him you accept he's unwell but you can't do everything on the list.
Split it up between you and even if he takes less initially it's a start. TV and bed will just make things worse.
And what happens then when you hit rock bottom? I know you say you had a bad experience with the counselor but would you try and a different person?
With all the tough times you've had it may help, and it would also show your DH that you're dealing with problems too.
If nothing else you'd be gone for an hour and he'd have to be in charge.

ainm2
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Re: Am I expecting too much from DH?

#7 Post by ainm2 »

First you need to approach him - at a moment when you are not really angry with him and when he is in reasonable form. And explain to him that you understand he has mental health issues or depression or whatever it is, but that you are feeling at the end of your tether and you are not able to cope with the workload you have. Give him some practical examples of what things you need help with. Give him the chance to understand that there is an issue (it's not clear from your post, but seems like he just thinks everything is ticking along fine without him). Once he understands that, then give it some more time to see if he chips in and does his part - or even some of it. If he really understands your view but does nothing about it then I would go for the harder line - ultimatums or whatever.

Shining
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Re: Am I expecting too much from DH?

#8 Post by Shining »

No you are not expecting too much. That sounds very tough.
Last edited by Shining on Fri Sep 24, 2021 11:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

mcmammy2
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Re: Am I expecting too much from DH?

#9 Post by mcmammy2 »

Also just to state he is not helping you he is doing what he is supposed to do. You can word it as help when you speak to him to make it sound better if you like. However you should be clear in your head that it is right to expect men to work around the house and to take his share of raising his child and engaging with his child. This is not help. The work is not all yours to do, it is his too. That is what marriage is and never expect less for yourself. I understand depression affects the ability to do stuff so as others have said yes break down tasks etc but remember you are perfectly entitled to have him do work around the house and raise his child. Best of luck with it.

StarryNight
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Re: Am I expecting too much from DH?

#10 Post by StarryNight »

If you start doing lists and outlining how a task should be broken down, that simply reinforces your role as 'manager' of the home. It means now you have another job, listing out everything for him and then following up on whether its done and dealing with the hassle when it isn't or he deliberately does it badly so you never ask again. Look up 'learned helplessness'. Its very common with men.

Muggins
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Re: Am I expecting too much from DH?

#11 Post by Muggins »

StarryNight wrote: Thu Sep 23, 2021 10:03 am If you start doing lists and outlining how a task should be broken down, that simply reinforces your role as 'manager' of the home. It means now you have another job, listing out everything for him and then following up on whether its done and dealing with the hassle when it isn't or he deliberately does it badly so you never ask again. Look up 'learned helplessness'. Its very common with men.
Very true but initially at least it may help.

Asking someone with depression to step up and know what's to be done might not be very productive or realistic.

RedHen
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Re: Am I expecting too much from DH?

#12 Post by RedHen »

That's maddening that he won't seek help so you see no end in sight when he'll be a functioning adult in the family again. Okay, he has depression and is signed off work but it sounds like you could almost be in the same position having had a tough time too but one of you has to keep going. Having to give up your job as you were stretched too far covering for him was a big thing. Does he acknowledge that? What does he think would happen if you were also to stay in bed one day? Does he think you've endless resources but he's in a different category?

Would he agree to you both going to the GP where you could explain how you're at breaking point and a plan is needed to get your husband well again? I'd have more sympathy for him if this was a huge change in his behaviour but it doesn't sound like he pulled his weight even when he was well. But people can change and there can be a redivision of the workload even after many years of marriage.

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