What should I do?

[Anon overwhelmed]

Going anon for this as the whole thing is very triggering for me. A close family member did something which really hurt me badly during a traumatic time in my life and we have had no contact since (her doing). I received a note from her a couple of days ago. It took me two days to even open it as I felt like I was going to vomit. The note is basically her saying that enough time has passed for her to be able to contact me, and she wishes me well and maybe we can meet some time in the future. There's no acknowledgement of the hurt she caused me. I want to respond telling her how traumatised I was and that enough time hasn't passed for me and don't contact me again. She has a history of depression so I don't want to deliberately hurt her but I really feel I need her to know how her actions affected me. I saw her in a shop recently and I had a panic attack and had to run out of the place. I know what she did to me is wrapped up with the traumatising event that was happening at the time and I am getting help dealing with it. I just don't know what the right thing to do is. WIBU to write her a note telling her how badly she hurt me? Or should I try to let it go and continue to deal with it myself?

[Gaelicmam]

I would let it go for now. Deal with yourself first and when you are in a good place then write her a letter if you want. You can then acknowledge her trying to get into contact with you etc.

[Unnamed Poster 8]

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[mcmammy2]

I agree with previous poster forget what she wants or needs. What do you want and need. You are more important in your own life.

[RDR]

Write down a response to her. Getting it down on paper and formulating it may well be helpful to you. Then put the reply in a drawer and leave it there. You may find you can get on with focussing on what you need to do for yourself without doing more. Or you may find that you come back to it and decide to send it or a version of it.

Have a think about what the purpose of writing to her would be? What would you want it to achieve? Could it achieve that? Would you be hoping for a particular response? Do you want to get into a conversation or relationship with her again? There are lots of questions. Centre you. Forget her circumstances and why she might or might not have done what she did, or be doing what she's doing. I'd write it out (because that's how I think) but there's also a benefit in having something you can stick in a drawer or a shoebox and come back to in the future if you need to. Answers to those questions could change over time.

You mention that you're getting help. It might be worth discussing this with whoever you're working with. I recall someone I know being advised by a therapist/counsellor to send a letter to someone in their life. It strikes me that it is possible that something similar is behind this person writing to you. But maybe also it could be advised for you by a professional. But equally someone who is qualified in this area and knows you and your situation might advise you to leave well alone, either now or even permanently.

Wishing you well.

[HeyJude]

She contacted you. You can choose to ignore it and from what you have said that is the right thing for you to do. You need to deal with yourself and get yourself in a better place. From wht you have said about a panic attack and taking 2 days to open the letter I think your best option is to leave her out of your life, get yourself well and get on with life without her. You don't owe her anything. I would actually just throw away the letter. RDR put it much better.

[DiscoGirl]

I’m so glad you are getting help for your trauma, right now you need to put yourself first, and it’s awful that she has her own problems but they are hers and hers alone, you clearly are still healing , so when you are ready to make contact with her maybe do it then, it has to be on your terms , wishing you the best of luck , mind yourself xx

[Carmella]

Just wipe your arse with it and post it back!

Ok don’t do that I’m only trying to make you laugh. The best thing to do in this situation is to forgive her, not because she deserves it but because you deserve it. She is obviously a very unhappy person so you are better off not getting tangled up with her and I think your gut instincts are right about keeping away from her, it’s a physical reaction and you have to listen to your body here.
Keep way back and just forgive her. If you can. Good luck.

[Unnamed poster 7]

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[Iamanisland]

I didn't have a traumatic event but I did have a friend blank me for no good reason. I understand she was going through a lot at the time and I was doing my best to keep things on an even keel but she definitely blamed me for stuff in a certain circumstance. I had other people to consider, including myself and it really was just out of proportion in her head due to what she was going through. When she finally came around looking to contact me again (can't remember how long later but was a few years and I'm pretty sure it wasn't genuine anyway) she made no reference to how we stopped being friends and for that reason I decided no, not going there, not playing any games or dancing around it. So I never responded to her. I've zero regrets about that.
If this person is not acknowledging the wrongs then they're probably not sorry for them/don't see themselves in the wrong. I would leave them to it and not even respond to be honest. Why bring up the head f8ck again, esp if you are not able for it and go around in circles.
And 100% agree with 3dollys above. I'd be ignoring this letter if I were you.

[tippexile]

I am in a similar situation but not as hard as your situation. In my case, the people involved are pretending that nothing happened and are being nice to me after ignoring me for nearly 2 years. I'm not engaging with them as much as possible.
In your case, you said that you are getting help, can you talk over your best course of action and what would benefit you with your counsellor. Do what is best for you. If that is to ignore it, do that. If you really want them to know how you feel, then reply but write it and wait a few days before you send it. It can be cathartic to write it out but you might want to edit it afterwards.
Hope you feel better and this hasn't affected you too much.

[Holly88]

Much as the others have posted just mind yourself.
I think we are conditioned in life to feel like we need to respond and quickly. We don’t in fact need to respond and certainly not within any timeframe.
I’d chat to your therapist about it working through the emotions and physical responses this whole thing has caused you.
Finding a way to first name and then heal these responses is essential before you engage further with her.
My own experience tells me this person is unlikely to see the light and understand that she caused you hurt so you prob do need to find a way to accept her actions and hopefully forgive to an extent to set you free.
I’m hesitant about letters too - just because she wrote a letter doesn’t mean you have to write a letter back.

[StarryNight]

You don't have to do anything.
This person has created an obligation feeling in you. Don't feel like you've to respond in any way.

[Shining]

The letter is always about the other person. They didn't even bother apologising or acknowledging the hurt they caused.
You look after you and do what is right for you. You do not have to deal with this person. If you reply saying leave me alone, they could ignore it and continue with communication.
I would talk about it to a friend to unburden yourself and leave it. Wishing you strength.

[purple star]

I wouldn't write back. If it causes you distress having contact with this person then step away and leave it. Just don't respond at all. Don't open anymore correspondence.
Just step away.