Caught him cheating

[Strong]

My thread disappeared for some reason!
Anyway, in summary, as I said I just want the best for him. He loves the person he is having the affair with. He doesn't love me but he won't leave for whatever reason.
He treated me badly in the past and can be very mean and angry to me, but noone else, so it's clearly me he has an issue with.
I am trying to get sorted with counselling and I need to try and get through to him that we need to sort this out. I am afraid like I said- afraid of being alone, of it being so final.

Not sure if I did mention before but he has very bad addiction issues in the past, and I think these behaviours displayed are an extension of that, which was never dealt with. Ultimately that is not my issue. I spent years trying to fix it and fix him, but only he can do that.
I was very angry the last few days and very upset and I got all riled up about it all. It is the addiction that is still the heart of the issue and there comes a time when I have to say that I have to stop trying to fix what I can't control and think of my own welfare first and that of our kids. Now I just need my heart to catch up with what I rationally already know, and that is the hard part, as right now, it is broken.

[SarahBC]

It’s what’s best for you and your children that should be your priority Strong. Surround yourself with support and make the changes you know are necessary.,you can do this.

[Penny]

I'm sorry you are going through this but I don't know what you need to sort out. He is in love with someone else but he's not leaving as she's not available.

Only he can sort out the addicition issues and the fallout from it, that's not up to you to deal with.

Your and your children need to be your priority. Hopefully you had good support from friends and family.

[Kensington]

I think your priotity should to focus on counselling for you alone to deal with your reaction to all of this and make sure you are prioritising your needs and happiness from now on. He is an addict, a cheat, he is angry with you, ugly to you - you need help in getting out of the web of ... not sure what it is but whatever number he has done to you. you can't fix him. And it looks like you can't get through to him that you need to sort this out either. What you can do it sort yourself out and take whatever steps you need to start a life with you and your children at the centre. Ultimately he doesn't need to get this or agree with it - you can make decisions without him. it just might take a bit longer. you deserve way better than this.

[mcmammy2]

I really think you need to reframe things.

It is not you he has an issue with. He has issues and takes them out on you. For whatever reason he has recognized you don't have boundaries when it comes to him and he takes advantage of this by using you as his emotional punching bag.

His issues are for him to solve and him alone. You cannot make him change. He has to want to change and recognize his abusive behaviour.

What if you take him out of the equation. Could you think how do I want to be treated, how do I want to feel, how do I want my kids to grow up and what relationships do I want for them?

Then ask what does he bring to your wants and needs. So if you want to be respected, loved, part of a team, happy does he bring this into your life? Can he bring it into your life as he is now?

You can go around in circles telling yourself he is good etc but what does he add to your life. This is your life you only get one. Do you want to feel like this in the future? Do you need the added stress of being someone else's emotional punch bag?

I feel for you I really do but you need to reframe things ask what it is you want and need and go get it with or without him. It is up to you. You can stay and be his victim or you can work on getting what you want and need in your life. I hope you get counselling whenever you can. Even if you have to try an online one. I also hope you get legal advice even if you end up not doing anything for now. At least you will know where you stand and won't be facing into the complete unknown.

Also ask yourself if your younger self could see you know would they hope for better for themselves?

[Shining]

I feel like he has really done a number on you.
He decides to cheat, he decides to treat you like dirt, he decides he loves someone else, he decides he's not leaving, he decides to be angry at you even though he can clearly modify his behaviour for everyone else...he sounds abusive and utterly reprehensible. He has completely checked out of family life and is using you as an emotional punchbag (I agree with everything above). Don't fool yourself that your children are impervious to all this.
What's your decision? Or he is the only one allowed to have them? You need to check out of his life and let him go to f***.
I don't mean to be harsh and I realise I am. I want YOU to be the centre of YOUR life, not the needs, wants and pathetic mid life crisis of a selfish man who clearly does not deserve you

[Strong]

I'm no further along. I've been going to counselling and the person is very good.

However, I feel really stuck, and I feel like I have been stuck many times over the years when I have wanted to end things due to his drinking, abuse and now cheating.

I jist can't seem to get it together, and I can't describe it to anyone.
I say I'm afraid. Oh does he hit you, is he violent? No, he isn't. But I'm still afraid of him. I spend each day minding my Ps and Qs and I'm sick of it.

I plucked up big courage to say that his emotional affair ,that he was dismissing as nothing ,was a deal breaker for me. As usual, he convinced me to keep going. Let's give it 6 months ... to see if we have got anything.
Got what? It's been over 20 years. If he doesn't know how he feels at this stage, what the eff is he doing?
If I say no or "cross" him, I'll be the worst in the world as he thinks he has it all solved now. I'm afraid again, afraid to rock the boat.
But I am miserable here because this is all a lie. He still thinks about the other woman, he still gets digs in to me, all our issues are still there.
I don't trust him and I never will again.

Other stuff has happened in our family. Big stuff with the kids, really proving the damage we have inflicted on them is coming out.
I am at the end of my tether. Smiling madly as if everything is OK, and bursting spontaneously into tears at my desk or in the car.
I can't cope any more. I can't go on feeling like this.
My kids, my work, my life is suffering.
My boss and colleagues are seriously pissed off with me because between all the family issues at the moment, I'm basically useless at work.
I'm failing the kids.

When I first posted way back about needing to have the strength to leave him, this is what I meant. He has me by the short and curlys.

He knows I never left him when he drank or ranted or whatever, so he reckons that I'll get over my little "drama " of him declaring his undying love to another woman and describing how he wanted to "have " her, and just keep on.

I don't want to. I want him to go, but he won't go.
When he is angry with me, he says he wants to be alone. Be alone then, I say, please go. Then it is that we have something, let's try. If I say no, then the mental cruelty starts coz he is the victim of a cruel wife who won't give him a chance.

I'm just not strong enough any more to take it. I can't live like this though. No show of strength by me seems to yield anything.

I am scared of calling my solicitor because I am the one who will have to live with him once he gets her letter.

How does anyone build up the resilience to just end things? To say, enough. The pain and hurt is too much. The damage is too deep and it stops now.

He just laughs at me when I say that. Says I can leave here if I want out. I know everyone here said not to do that, but I don't see any other way.
He's like Japanese knotweed.

I feel so pathetic. I have been writing the same narrative for months, probably years, and still sit here as his wife.

[Lady Madonna]

Oh you poor thing. Call your solicitor and arrange to see her for advice anyway, you can worry about letters if that's what she recommends. She will be able to look at the specifics of your situation and give an informed opinion, she sees this all the time. You're not obliged to do anything but she will tell you what your options are.

[Strong]

Also to say that I am not as scared of being alone any more. Yes it is still an issue but surely it can't be any more emotionally alone than I am now.
It's pathetic as well that I am scared of being alone. Better the devil you know. I can see why the other poster on the alcoholic thread doesn't want to say anything. Sometimes you're tired to your bones from processing what you have. Anything else is too terrible to contemplate. There is a lot of tunnel before getting to the light.
I'm sorry to say but the Online Dating thread terrifies me too.
My life is an utter mess. I wake up every day waiting for the day to end.
There are pockets of good but most days I don't want to leave the house, talk to anyone, cook a dinner or type an email.

[Novbaby31]

Keep seeing the counsellor. You are working through a process of being ready to make change. Just because you aren’t ready yet doesn’t mean that you won’t find the strength you need in the future.

Leaving him will be messy, all marriage endings are to a greater or lesser extent for a period of time. But that does pass and things settle down again and life finds its new normal. Choppy waters to get to that point but worth it. You have to weigh up of the period of upset is easier to endure than the rest of your life in this marriage.

Explore with your counsellor how you might do this, how you might approach it. Talk to a friend and get support in place. And be okay with this taking time - you don’t need to solve this today or tomorrow. And by seeing the counsellor you are working though the process, you’ve started the journey.

[Shining]

I agree with the above. You're in the middle of a maelstrom. Keep going to counselling and see if you can work towards ending it.
I know exactly what you mean about walking on eggshells. Sometimes abuse is not physical violence; its mental and emotional. It's coercion.
To me my decision was "made" one day when I hit my lowest point...I knew if I continued I would have a breakdown or hurt myself, I was pushed to that point. I was so ground down by everything. Also by coincidence a family member founds notes I had written of what happened.
I got that too by deciding to end it: that I was the baddie and he was the victim who hadn't actually done anything wrong (hadn't cheated, wasn't physically violent). It was my fault for destroying everything.
But he destroyed everything. It's not just one thing; it's ALL the things, all the chances you gave. I think you need to write them down.
He doesn't get to unilaterally decide that things continue as they are. There are two people here and you are perfectly entitled to decide you don't deserve to be treated like that.

[CocoRose]

I think you need to start separation proceedings. Getting things going legally. A person cannot be forced to stay married to someone and you clearly are done here. Psychologically this might help you?

I feel so much sympathy for you reading what you are typing and so sad you are so hard on yourself, I would love to take you out for a coffee and try cheer you up. It is such a tough situation, I really hope you can find a way out soon. xx

[CocoRose]

I will add that it was not at all easy for my mother to leave my father but she has never regretted the decision. She lives a great life. You can be strong, try be kind to yourself.

[wuzziwig]

What you are going through is mental/emotional abuse. Sometimes that's harder than physical abuse because when abuse is physical there is clear evidence that you have been abused. With mental/emotional abuse you question yourself, you think you are going mad, you wonder if you are seeing things clearly and if you are making a bigger deal out of it in your head then it actually is.
But there is no doubt that what your husband is doing to you is abuse. And it needs to stop. You are scared of him because while he doesn't abuse you physically he abuses you in other ways and you don't like this behaviour, therefore you will try not to trigger him. You cannot live like that. It's obviously having a terrible affect on you and by the sound of it, now the kids.

Explore this form of abuse with your counsellor. You may have to walk out of your house with your children to get away from him. I did and it was the best decision I ever made. No home/house is worth staying in if this is how you are treated. Obviously don't do anything until you get legal advice and please don't be scared to start legal proceedings. This man has zero respect for you.

[mcmammy2]

You sound worn down. However that is because your DH has put you down and is keeping you down.

Ask your solicitor your options. The solicitor is not going to send a letter without your permission. Find out how you can remove this abusive man from your life safely. Be aware that men like this can be dangerous so don't let him know what you are doing. Get advice and get help. You can remove him from your life but you need expert advice. Go to women's aid for advice. Your solicitor and women's aid can steer you in the right direction if not give you answers.

You can do this. There are lots of women who go through this and come out the other side. While no doubt there are difficulties with separation or divorce they are undoubtedly a better option than continuous abuse from a toxic broken man.