Teen worried about sexuality

[Worried mum]

Thank you all for your help.
As far as i can make out she was overwhelmed with all the info and options out there on social media and her school with pride month and she was worried because she isnt interested or see the interest that her friends all have in boys and she is worried that if it never happens does that mean she is one of the other options.
I have asked her if she has feeling for girls and she has said no but im not convinced but i think she may be scared that what we all do ie normal admiring other girls appearance etc is more as she isnt interested in boys etc.
She isnt around boys at all, doesnt hang around outside and just goes organised shopping trips etc with her friends.
I dont know whether i should now be pushing her for more experiences outside and more freedom to experience these things but how - she is quite a home bird.
She isnt really crushing on any of the boy celebs either like her friends do either so she is worried but would that be normal at that age. Could it all come to her.
Also im beginning to wonder about moving schools. Im all for educating her about all these things dont get me wrong but her school were handing out transgender leaflets and insisting she took one. Also she said there is posters everywhere all over the school about different genders and sexular preferences and im annoyed she is so overwhelmed by all these. Is this normal for school, it seems a bit mad. Also i thought an all girls school would be great now really beginning to rethink it all.

[tippexile]

I think you need to take time out & calm down. If the leaflet/info in the school & handed out was about hetero issues, would you have a problem with it? Education about all and any gender or sexuality is good, its positive.
In your position I would just listen to your daughter, dont advise, dont try “fix” it. She needs to work it out herself & in her own time.


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[Martha]

Sounds like you have a great rapport and it’s wonderful that she can talk to you.
If it were my daughter I’d reassure her that what she’s feeling is absolutely ok and totally in line with bring a teenager and that crushing on girls or boys or both or none is all perfectly fine.
Information is power but perhaps she can take a breath now and just go with the flow for a while and not try to label herself .
It’s a bloody tough age.

[Groucho]

She's only 14. I had zip-all interest in boys, girls or anything else at 14. If someone had asked me my sexual orientation at that age, I would have (a) curled up with embarassment and (b) been unable to answer as I didn't know. I was a very tomboyish girl and if yesterday was today, I'd probably have been pushed and forced into some sort of box that I ultimately didn't belong in at all. Why on earth is there this mania for putting labels on everything and everyone these days - wouldn't it be just wonderful if people could just be, and be allowed to just be. People develop at different paces.

Agree with Shivvy. Calm down. Moving schools etc seems rather extreme. It will be fine.

[Maisy]

Thank you all for your help.
As far as i can make out she was overwhelmed with all the info and options out there on social media and her school with pride month and she was worried because she isnt interested or see the interest that her friends all have in boys and she is worried that if it never happens does that mean she is one of the other options.
I have asked her if she has feeling for girls and she has said no but im not convinced but i think she may be scared that what we all do ie normal admiring other girls appearance etc is more as she isnt interested in boys etc.
She isnt around boys at all, doesnt hang around outside and just goes organised shopping trips etc with her friends.
I dont know whether i should now be pushing her for more experiences outside and more freedom to experience these things but how - she is quite a home bird.
She isnt really crushing on any of the boy celebs either like her friends do either so she is worried but would that be normal at that age. Could it all come to her.
Also im beginning to wonder about moving schools. Im all for educating her about all these things dont get me wrong but her school were handing out transgender leaflets and insisting she took one. Also she said there is posters everywhere all over the school about different genders and sexular preferences and im annoyed she is so overwhelmed by all these. Is this normal for school, it seems a bit mad. Also i thought an all girls school would be great now really beginning to rethink it all.

That sounds very OTT! Why was she made take a leaflet if she didn't want one?? Is it always like this or was it due to Pride month?

[Rita]

I think it is great schools are educating kids in this way..wish I had had that. I have learned a lot from my teens ..they are so accepting . I do agree labelling at a young age isn't good really as they are still growing and developing so it is rather confusing. I can understand your worry too as I know i had a totally different upbringing. Knew no one gay etc. Well I am sure I did but no one said.
Sure being gay was illegal when I was a teen.
But times are changing thankfully. It can be tough for us parents too as it can be overwhelming. No one even mentioned the word gay when I was in school. No mind posters etc. I don't know if my kids school have that but they do celebrate pride week ...but not sure how much as they don't say.

If your daughter is finding things tough would you try a counsellor. Moving schools to avoid mention of sexuality, gender etc is not really going to help in my opinion..just make your daughter more ashamed and worried that she is not what you want her to be.

Teenage years are tough and this can be part of it..we can only listen and support and hope they find themselves.

It is good your daughter chats so openly with you..makes a big difference to her .

At that age my eldest found it strange her friends were obsessed with celebrities or boys they hardly knew..
She has a boyfriend now...but for her I would say it was common interests brought them together..like for a lot of us. She wasn't really the crushing type. My youngest fancies every celebrity going lol. So different.

[DiscoGirl]

I think I would just reassure her that you are there if she needs a listening ear, I wouldn’t be pushing her to go outside for “experience “ if she’s a homebird then that’s what she is , she doesn’t have to be like everyone else , leave her do her own thing

[Penny]

I think you need to take time out & calm down. If the leaflet/info in the school & handed out was about hetero issues, would you have a problem with it? Education about all and any gender or sexuality is good, its positive.
In your position I would just listen to your daughter, dont advise, dont try “fix” it. She needs to work it out herself & in her own time.


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Absolutely. I think it's brilliant the schools are so open. Our school has a great LGBTQ community and it's probably one of their strong points that the school and students are very vocal in supporting the rights of the community. What on earth did you think would happen with your child being given a leaflet on being transgender - it wasn't a leaflet on 10 steps to transition. And thinking of changing schools over this is a bit OTT. I would despise a school that didn't support gay/trans/non binary students.

If your daughter is confused about her sexuality just listen to her, let her talk and that it's normal to feel confused. Unless you have an issue with her being gay.

[Unnamed poster 7]

Post Deleted

[Edee123]

With any luck every school has this kind of policy.
Open minded and inclusive.
Id be a bit sceptical that she was forced to take a leaflet tbh.
Where would you move her to? I feel like saying 1960 but i dont want to seem mean.
Leave her be and let her talk to you if she needs to.

Agree totally. You need to not make a jolt decision. The reason ireland has been so messed up is that schools didnt talk about this stuff. I think its Brill that's its open like any other topics - hockey, amnesty International etc etc Its just part of their lives now.

If you feel from a religious point if view this is wrong then you should look to move her to a very religious school. I know one such school in south co. Dublin that wouldn't discuss anything like this. I know a few parents who are very Catholic (don't agree with gay marriage Pride month etc )and send their girls there for that reason.

Also suggesting moving from all girls doesn't make sense either. Is she happy in school generally? Having boys there won't necessarily change anything..she might feel more pressure to fancy boys too as her friends all might so you need to take that out of it too. Go with what she wants

[Dobble]

I can only speak for the all boys school my ds’s go to and they definitely do a lot about the different genders/sexuality… well a lot compared to what we did anyway! I presume all schools do nowadays so moving schools to avoid this is very ott and probably wouldn’t achieve anything anyway (by achieving I mean avoiding the whole topic)

[Stripy]

I think moving schools (and talk of it) will unsettle her more. Unless there are other valid reasons, but if she's generally happy I would let it be. It sounds like she has good friends and a supportive home environment so she will be fine. My DDs school had a big pride thing a while ago so I think it's happening in a good few schools (often driven by the kids). It might be no harm to send an email to the school to express concerns that you've voiced above about the leaflet and kids being overwhelmed- this is also important to be heard. As parents, and I was only speaking to my DH about this today, we want to fix our children's problems if they are unhappy, I really struggle with this and sound like you do too, but I am trying to put anxiety aside and let them sort out their problems. As we all know, there is always some angst in the teenage years!

[August]

Some great advice above. It is so positive that your daughter is sharing her feelings with you. If she is telling you that she is upset by some of your reactions then maybe it might be helpful to look at your own attitudes to sexuality. Honestly, it is coming across from your posts that you might not be comfortable with the idea of your child being anything other than heterosexual. Maybe she needs to hear from you that if or when she feels like exploring her sexuality all of the ‘options’ are ‘normal’, not just heterosexuality and that there is never a rush or push into anything she does not want or is not ready for.

This past year has been really challenging for teens in so many aspects of their development. At a time in their lives when they really begin to grow and mature and develop socially amongst their peers, they’ve had to make do with the social vacuum of homeschooling. I would be totally supportive of her school creating an open environment for its students and, again, if this makes you feel uncomfortable then maybe you could look to explore those feelings rather than deciding the school is not suitable for your daughter. We are all the products of our own upbringing and lives so sometimes we have to put more work in in figuring this stuff out.

Best of luck!

[Rita]

So true August..they have missed on on a lot where they would be developing socially etc.
No discos, summer camps away etc. No hanging out chilling with friends..sleepovers etc
Lots of time to think and be confused. Stuff they would probably work out with friends but couldn't. My friends were very important at that age...even if we fought etc..that was all part of growing up as a teen.
I know dd2 has spent too much time online in the past year as she had nothing else to do..instead of out enjoying herself.
Its making it all tougher when its already a tough time.

[Worried mum]

I know this sounds awful and i know im going to get slated for it. But i dont have a problem with been gay i have a male friend thats gay but if im been truthful when i had my dd its not something that you imagine for your little girl. I find it hard enough that she is growing up before my eyes and would struggle even with her developing feeling for the opposite sex let along for the same sex
I dont feel that is her though, she was and mostly still is the girlies girl everything pink and sparkly. I just feel she is so influenced by what she sees online. Latest thing is not shaving her armpits. She said she ran out of razors but i dont believe her, she didn't even ask me to buy more.
She has said she isnt interested in girls when i ask her but i dont believe her. She went out with a group of girls from school last week and now is looking to meet them for food this week too and shopping. Im happy she is socialising so it gives her experience of outside and exposure to boys but im not sure been in a group of girls will just bring her closer to girls she could have a crush on.
I just really dont feel like its her and i dont know what to do. Do i try to do anything or leave her to it and hopefully she will work things out herself.