Teen worried about sexuality

[Worried mum]

Hi
Regular user gone anon here.
My teen dd who is 14 nearly 15 was upset over the whole pride month thing worried about her sexuality.
She asked me could she buy a pride flag because she is a little bit like that into all the trends etc and would be very vocal about all the hashtag and trends on instragram like blacklivesmatter etc.

Then she follow this couple on youtube that are lesbians because they were having a baby at the same time as another family member was and she wanted to see the baby etc.
Yesterday she sprayed something in her room that smelt like aftershave and i was only joking with her as she didnt like the smell about whether i should be worried etc.
I then went into her room hours later and she was upset saying we were annoying her joking about these things.
But now she would be on the verge on tears too if we didnt get her point over something on instragram over some issue over in america over some teen getting shot etc.
I questioned her what was wrong and she said we were just annoying her going on about the flag and should we be worried etc.
She was upset saying all her friends are into boys and she isnt and doesnt get it and is worried what happens if she never likes boys and there is all this stuff in school telling them if she doesnt like boys then they must be this that or they other and she is really upset.
I must admit i was really shocked.
I tried asking her did she like girls and she said no and she doesnt want to either but would think like thiat arianna grande is really pretty and some other celeb has lovely hair but i would think this is normal and all teen girls love arianna grande etc doesnt mean they are gay.

She did mention last year about some male actor and she thought was stunning and then when i reminded her she said oh yeah and some other male actor was stunning too so i dont know what to make of it.

She is in an all girls school and she said it is more normal in her school to like girls that girls liking boys.
She said the school were handing them out leaflets on transgender a few weeks ago and there is posters all over the school about different sexualities.

She doesnt really socalise otherside school much but would have loads of friends in school and online from school that she would talk to.
I dont know what to do. Half thinking of getting her out of that school. Is it normal for school to educate so much on all these things.

Also she did get her period yesterday evening so i also dont know if thats where all the tears and drama were coming from or if its a real issue.
She said she was worried about it last year during pride month too and was afraid to dissapoint me.
She said she would love babies when shes older but relationships seem like hard work.
Should she not know at this stage if she is interested in boys or could she just be late in developing all that.
Sorry for all the long ramblings does anyone have any help.
Thanks in advance.

[Betty27]

First of all I would stop asking her if you should ‘be worried’. That would come across that there’d be something wrong if she wasn’t straight. Why on earth would you be worried?
As for teaching ‘these’ things in school. I’m glad they do. Learning about sexuality is a good thing, it helps teens get a clearer picture on who they are in life.
I would imagine her period would have her all over the place emotionally. Leave it for a week or so and speak to her again. But I would try not use terms like being worried or these things etc.
My ds1 is very confused about his sexuality. He gets upset sometimes if he finds another male attractive because he thinks just because his male friends are straight then he should be too. It’s a very hard time for them.


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[RDR]

She's 14. I don't think it is unusual at 14 to be convinced that everyone else is sure of who they are and who they are attracted to and how the world works and to not be sure of any of those things yourself. Teen years are full of swings and changes and wild passions that last a week and no passions at all. Everyone's sexuality develops at a different rate just as everyone's body does. Maybe she's straight, maybe she's gay, maybe she's bi. There is no reason she has to know that now. It sounds like her exposure to boys is pretty limited and I can imagine that that might be limiting her opportunities for exposure to boys where she can experience how she responds. Covid can't be helping there either. She's right that relationships can be hard work. She's 14. She needs to know she has decades ahead of her for relationships and sexual feelings. She doesn't have to go there til she feels ready and it is something she wants. She doesn't have to make decisions about having children.

What I would say is phrases like "do we have something to be worried about?" are really really unhelpful. They communicate that being gay would be problematic to you. She needs to know that you love her, accept her and are happy for her no matter who she loves. If she is gay, it is worth keeping in mind that coming out to yourself can be the hardest bit of that realisation. As one gay man put it when he made that observation, you can be surrounded by the most accepting, loving non-judgmental people in the world but you have to come out to yourself and accept that you are a minority, with a smaller dating pool than straight people and more challenges in having children than most straight people and that can be hard. Maybe she needs to hear, "Maybe you are gay, maybe you aren't, but it doesn't matter to me if you are or aren't. I love you for you and everything you are".

Aside from her sexuality it sounds like she is one of those kids feels strongly about social issues and if she feels you're dismissive of her feelings that's going to rankle with her. That's true I think of teens views and opinions generally. They feel strongly and feel hurt, rejected, angry if they feel that their feelings are being belittled. Teasing can fall flat with some teens. You may find it works better to have open challenging discussions while still respecting her views. It can be no harm to have the conversations so that she challenges her own beliefs, thinks deeply rather than just following the herd, has a bigger picture for whatever issue or opinion it is. While teens feel strongly they can also be swept along by others views and critical thinking is a great skill to inculcate. Let her tell you her passions. Respect them but don't be afraid to talk honestly with her.

Right now it sounds like she needs to feel it is ok to be who she is and explore who she is knowing that you're there for her.

[mcmammy2]

I do think it's good that children are educated about all the different types of sexuality. I see nothing wrong with it.

As for 'the worried' remark I agree with other posters. Being who you are is nothing to be worried about. Being something you are not is something to worry about that's what causes mental health issues.

She will figure out who she is in her own time. Some kids take a bit longer to find out what they like. Maybe she isn't at the stage where she feels anything for anyone yet and that could be disconcerting when others are talking about boys/girls whatever.

I suppose the mantra should be 'Be who you are and be proud of who you are. Don't try to be somebody else. We will always love you and once you do your best and don't hurt anyone else then we will always be proud of you as a person.'

[tippexile]

My dd is 13 and identifies as bisexual. I will admit at times, I worry about the reactions she has faced and will face in the future. We live in a very rural area and she goes to school in a small village.
But I and her dad have always told her that we will love and support her, no matter what. And yes, we don't always get it right,we often say the wrong things, like using the wrong pronouns for someone who is non binary for example and her dad in particular finds it hard to overcome some of his entrenched prejudices as he grew up in a very conservative, religious house.
But she knows she is loved no matter what gender or sexual orientation she is.
So, like the others say, don't say things like"should I be worried ", as that will make her think you won't accept her if she is gay.
She may or may not be gay but what she needs to know is that you love her and that home is a safe place for her to express her thoughts and fears.

[Unnamed poster 7]

Post Deleted

[Stripy]

There can be a lot of pressure in all girls schools to identify as liking boys or girls. Some teen girls go though a phase of having a crush on another girl, with there really being nothing sexual in it. I know this will be controversial but I feel in the rush to be all inclusive and inform teenagers of all sexual orientations we can also confuse some teenagers who in the past would eventually have ended up with a boyfriend / husband without a second thought. I have no advice but sounds like you are doing your best at a confusing time and as she gets a bit older boys will naturally be part of the scene and things may be clearer for her.

[TCR]

Not sure why a young teen would need to tell anyone about their sexuality. Great to have conversations at home and feel able to explore their feelings with their parents but it’s really no ones business.

[curiousgeorge]

I think what you have described all sounds perfectly normal for a young teenager, they're trying to find out who they are and part of that is their sexuality. It's fantastic that society is so much more open than it was when we were young but I'm sure an unintended side effect of that is that there are a lot of 'options ' (I know they're not optional, I just can't think of the right word!) out there and that might seem a bit overwhelming for a young teenager. Just let her know it's all ok and normal to be thinking and worrying about that sort of thing, and that it will all settle down as she gets older and develops her identity.

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[ali]

I think at that age sexuality is a huge melting pot. I think especially in single sex school a lot of kids develop crushes on other kids, maybe they are gay/maybe they are not. I think at that age its less of a sexual attraction and more of attraction to a person that has qualities/abilities that they would like to have themselves. A few of dd's best friends in school have told her that they feel they are gay or bi. Myself and dd had a long chat as one of the other mums has taken it this info badly and dd was upset for her friend, my advice was maybe your friends are gay/maybe they're not, its really their personal business, but really until you have kissed/being intimate with another person I would be slow to put anyone in a particular sexual box. I told dd maybe her friend will be in college with her girlfriend or maybe she will be in college madly in love with her boyfriend, who cares, shes your best friend, you be a best friend to her.

[Rita]

I think its normal at that age. My 15 year old thinks guys she knows are all just annoying .. some of her friends would have boyfriends/girlfriends but she has no interest. Unless it was one of the rich celebrities she likes.
She thinks being on her own would be as nice...unless its someone really rich lol.

I just tell her whatever makes her happy . Isn't that all we want for them really..to be content. Your dd sounds like a deep thinker...just tell her you love her and she is great. She probably won't believe you but just keep being positive. I think we all worry about our kids..that they will find their way and hate seeing them stressed..thats being a parent really.

[Maisy]

I think it's great that all sexualities are celebrated & are talked about in schools but I can see how for some teenagers they might struggle thinking which box do they belong in. L
At 14 she's still so young & maybe she is just not there yet. I'm sure she'll be fine in a year or so. I don't think I was attracted to many 14yr old boys when I was that age!!

[callalily]

I think it's great that all sexualities are celebrated & are talked about in schools but I can see how for some teenagers they might struggle thinking which box do they belong in.

This. There does seem to be pressure to confirm to a particular box among teenagers today.
At 14 I kinda was in love with a girl. I’m actually painfully straight.

[DiscoGirl]

I think it's great that all sexualities are celebrated & are talked about in schools but I can see how for some teenagers they might struggle thinking which box do they belong in.

This. There does seem to be pressure to confirm to a particular box among teenagers today.
At 14 I kinda was in love with a girl. I’m actually painfully straight.

Same , I had the biggest crush on an older girl in secondary school

[SecretMe]

She won't know her sexuality until she gets properly turned on by someone. She can like boys and/or girls, males and females on the telly, actors etc but until she feels that "urge" when she is turned on she won't know. And that's ok! At age 14 or 15 in a girls school without mixed after-school activities, the opportunity to get to know boys might not be there, she may never have experienced that wonderful feeling of being turned on, which is making her worried.

There are plenty of women who I think are gorgeous, I will pause over photos of women online if they are gorgeous but I'm not turned on by them. It's a totally different feeling to being turned on by a male.

Is she worried that's she's gay or that she doesn't know? Because neither are a cause for concern and she needs to know that you feel the same.

I think just tell her that some people confidently identify as whatever they are, younger, some older, some even older again. It's not something to worry about, it's not something she needs to decide about, it's just her life and she will discover who she is and what her preferences are at some point, and whatever they are it's totally fine in today's world. It's hard to believe that back in the 80s it was actually illegal to be gay (or act upon it)!