DH very depressed and angry

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Anon overwhelmed
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DH very depressed and angry

#1 Post by Anon overwhelmed »

DH has been suffering from depression and anxiety for a while now, years in fact. We have had a few difficult years for various reasons and tbh I have been so focused on looking after the kids and keeping my own head above water that I didn't realise how bad things had gotten for him. He had a breakdown a couple of months ago and admitted some very worrying thoughts including suicide. It has been an absolute roller coaster since then including him spending three weeks as an inpatient in the acute mental health unit. Since his discharge he has been very angry and withdrawn. He has largely removed himself from family life and when he is here he's just angry. He says he feels nothing for anyone except the kids and even them it's more responsibility than love. He doesn't want me to comfort him or help him in any way. I'm walking on eggshells around him all the time and trying to protect the kids from his anger. He is on antidepressants but I don't know if they're having any effect. He's on waiting lists for Pieta House and public psychotherapy. We're looking at finding someone privately but he's reluctant and won't be pushed into anything. In the hospital he did a lot of mindfulness and relaxation classes but since coming out has given up all that. Has anyone been in a similar situation? How do I deal with all of this? I went for a counselling session myself while he was in hospital but didn't find it helped really. I have great family and friends who I can talk to but it's the practicalities of living day to day in this pressure cooker. I'm worried about him, I'm worried about the kids, I'm trying to keep the show on the road. Any advice appreciated. Thanks for reading.

Primrose
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Re: DH very depressed and angry

#2 Post by Primrose »

That sounds very difficult. Could you try to access some ongoing counselling support for yourself? You’re carrying a heavy load and having a professionally trained neutral person who is not emotionally involved is very helpful to assist you in processing your own feelings and figuring out strategies on how to deal with issues at a practical level. It does take a bit of time and the right person - would you try someone different?

Martha
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Re: DH very depressed and angry

#3 Post by Martha »

That’s a huge responsibility for you to try to manage. Please reach out to your GP
And let them know that your DH is not coping and the impact on you and kids.
It may mean he needs to be rehospitalised, but it sounds like he was discharged a little prematurely...
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Swoon
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Re: DH very depressed and angry

#4 Post by Swoon »

I think you may need to give counselling for yourself more than just one session, very little can be achieved in such a short time. Would you consider committing to it again yourself? It may really help.

Joanne12
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Re: DH very depressed and angry

#5 Post by Joanne12 »

What a tough situation for you all. I agree that you should contact your GP and push for more help for your DH. He may need a change of prescription (increase in meds?) or to be readmitted. Definitely continue with counseling for yourself. If you didn’t find the last counselor great, try and find a different one. It’s very common for counseling to be ineffective until you find someone that you click with.

Best of luck with it all.

mcmammy2
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Re: DH very depressed and angry

#6 Post by mcmammy2 »

I have no good advice to offer just to say I hope you get the help you need and things improve for your DH, for you and your family.

Novbaby31
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Re: DH very depressed and angry

#7 Post by Novbaby31 »

Unfortunately it can be a really slow road to recovery after a serious breakdown, way longer than people expect. Anti-ds can take a long time to take effect and each medication adjustment can take weeks to assess to see if they are taking effect. And you probably need to downgrade your expectations in terms of participation in family life and lengthen the period for expected recovery.

You need support in the interim as this is a marathon and not a sprint. Family and friends are an important part of that but so too is a neutral, non involved counsellor who you can off load to without worrying about privacy or censoring your thoughts.

And whilst your DH is depressed and on treatment it is not a licence to be an 'asshole' to the rest of his family (I am not saying he is by the way just that it is important not to allow the illness to become conflated with inappropriate behaviour) . I speak from experience with a family member where the medical team were very fast to pull them up on inappropriate behaviour towards family. it is okay for you to set boundaries to protect you and the kids. He is ill but he doesn't get a pass if he is directing that anger towards you and the kids.

Has he been assigned to a community PHN? And is there a follow up from the hospital treatment to monitor medication dosage and make any adjustments needed? If he has been assigned to a community PHN you can reach out to them and have a discussion with them on how you think he is doing and any concerns you have. They will listen but can't comment unless your DH gives permission but they will listen and are generally interested. We have also asked for family meetings with the medical team through the PHN. The family meetings were where we saw the medical team being much blunter and more direct than we were and calling out unacceptable behaviour - previously we had been doing the whole eggshell thing. He is ill and needs support and his illness affects you all so you need to mind yourselves as well.

I am not sure if any of this helps at all, depression is a tough illness and has a huge impact on families and not just the person who is ill.
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Ribbit
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Re: DH very depressed and angry

#8 Post by Ribbit »

Anti depressants take a while to kick in and often dosages need to be increased to get a good result. Perhaps they've helped with the depression but need to be increased to help the anger?

Counselling isn't a quick fix, it's more long term. I think you should continue with yours as a support person really needs help too. Oftentimes people have sympathy for a depressed person but their support person is going through hell too.

Would your DH see the GP? Does he realise he's only partially better? There is little point having a go at him but he needs to realise that things are nowhere near right.

Best of luck, depression is difficult for the sufferer and the people who support them.
Ribbit

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Re: DH very depressed and angry

#9 Post by Similar »

Can I jump in here? My dh lost someone v dear to him last year & is also not v happy with work. He told me today the extent of his unhappiness & I'm at a loss what to do & how to help - would the gp be accessible at the minute for something like this pls?? Any advice much appreciated, thanks

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Re: DH very depressed and angry

#10 Post by Similar »

Can I piggyback??
My dh told me yesterday that he's re ally suffering - he lost someone dear to him last year & work has been a major stressor for quite a while. I'm at a loss how to help him, normally I'd say go to the gp, but are gps seeing people for mental health issues at present? I think he may need counselling - are they operating? Any advice appreciated

angrybird
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Re: DH very depressed and angry

#11 Post by angrybird »

Bump.
DS1- 13
DS2-11
DS3- 9
DD- 8

Grasscutter
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Re: DH very depressed and angry

#12 Post by Grasscutter »

Of course GPs are dealing with situations like this Similar - and he should absolutely contact the GP. He may actually find online counselling easier than doing it in person.
Horrible to be dealing with this.
My brother has suffered with depression and while I adore him - I really admire his wife for everything she's gone through with him. I think it's exceptionally hard on partners.

Ribbit
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Re: DH very depressed and angry

#13 Post by Ribbit »

Absolutely contact the GP and say you are willing to pay for a phone consultation if the GP prefers.

I think one of the earlier messages from the HSE was that people shouldn't ignore non covid issues.
Ribbit

Mammyof2
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Re: DH very depressed and angry

#14 Post by Mammyof2 »

Definitely contact your gp. I'd say they're seeing a lot of people contacting them for mental health issues. Also counsellors/ therapists are working but most are only doing phone or online appointments at the moment, but some people might prefer this.

tippexile
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Re: DH very depressed and angry

#15 Post by tippexile »

To the OP, can you contact your gp and ask for help with referring to a private counsellor. Sometimes, people in your dh's situation downplay everything to the medical professionals and you need to let your gp know that you are under pressure and need help to navigate this. I know that my own husband downplayed every thing and I was basically going through hell with him. My GP was very helpful when he realised exactly what was happening.
And to the others asking, definitely contact your GP. This pandemic has had an awful toll on mental health and mental health is just as important as physical health. Make the first step and ring the gp. Even doing that little thing will help you and your dh's find a way out of this.

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