Dd14 out of control,just pushing boundaries or in need of he

[purple star]

Keep going. Someone will help you. Try all doors. She shouldn't film you without consent, turn it back on her if she does, film her abusing you.

I hope you can get some help for all of you. You deserve better.

[Groucho]

I'm wondering what on earth her friends (and her friends' parents) are like? Her behaviour is so vicious, and so outside the norm - she is filming you, mocking you, swearing at you, insulting you and belittling you and her younger sister, and they are - what? Accepting everything she says at face value? Encouraging her? Giving her sympathy? Enjoying the drama? At some level, are ANY of them not thinking she is completely out of order or calling her out on it?

If not her friends, these parents you mention - how would ANY parent see this going on and not think your daughter is a deeply troubled person. The "cool mum" you mention - she encouraging this awfulness? Why? She surely knows your family have had a tough time of it with a marriage breakup and all the stress that brings? Is there any way this woman could be prevailed upon to use her influence with your daughter to improve the situation, or get her to dial her behaviour down, or try to encourage a bit of empathy for you.

Failing all of that, I would either approach the Guards or Tusla. It sounds like a real last-ditch thing to to when it's your child, but I agree with whoever says she needs a serious, sharp shock. Keep posting here, as we are all worried about you.

[Ophelia]

I have no advice just wanted to say I hope you all get the support you need and things improve for your daughter.

[Scorpio]

I cannot add anything more to what has been said except to lend you my support. I cannot imagine how awful life must seem to you right now. Keep knocking on doors and find the help you so badly need - someone out there in one of the organisations must be able to help you. Hang in there.

[Unnamed Poster 8]

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[Sally]

Can I just say I am overwhelmed by all your responses. Thank you all...I'm just speechless. Lots of amazing responses, info...thank you for sharing. Also thank you for your experiences and for your advice and also for bolstering my own confidence on reminding me I'm not wrong in seeking a bottom line of behaviour.
I contacted our family support worker and an awaiting a call back. I explained the background now and how we are all at breaking point.
My daughter (youngest) was so upset last night she was unable to go to school. I'm trying to keep going.

You’re absolutely not wrong.
You deserve for your home to be your place of calm and sanctuary.

Your poor youngest DD. Would there be any harm in engaging with her school, to make them aware that she is experiencing some turbulence in her home environment, just so they can support her and understand if anything develops there for her?

I hope you get some support from your family support worker.

Kensington’s advice above about outlining that an end will come, pretty soon, to your DD being allowed to live in your home, is good advice.

Your DD has developed some very abusive behaviours, and also some manipulation skills (showing one face/story to friends, and another to her family) and if it’s not addressed, she will probably take that behaviour forward into her own future relationships I.e. she could end up being a domestic abuser in those relationships (she already is a domestic abuser to you). She probably needs to have this addressed, and pointed out to her that she has learnt this behaviour from her dad, but it’s wrong. But if she won’t hear it from you, is there anyone else she could hear it from?

Very tough situation you are dealing with,

[mcmammy2]

I am glad you are reaching out for help. I hope this day is the start of good things for you and your child.

[Penny]

Hopefully you'll start getting the help you need soon.

How is she in school - are there any issues there?

[Minion]

Shining, I'm so sorry that you're going through this. Your daughter sounds deeply troubled and I'd be surprised if other friend's parents haven't started to see through her claims. I'm glad to hear you've reached out for help and i think it would be a good idea to inform your younger child's school about whats going on too.
I would also quietly record some of her outbursts on your phone, even if it's her screaming at you from behind closed doors, or her singing taunts at you, so you can show them to counsellors, therapists, whoever you can get to help. I would then send them to yourself via fb messenger, so there's a copy there.
Chin up as best you can pet, help is out there, and we're always here for you to lend an ear x

[Penny]

Definitely having a recording of the outbursts would be good especially if she's a person who can turn the charm on in front of a counsellor and say that it's all in your head. That you're the one with the issue.

[Unnamed Poster 8]

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[Halfalump]

Shining I too am heartbroken for you , and i hope all the advice here is some help to you. You are not alone , this kind thing is sadly not uncommon. I know it has been mentioned already - but do look up nvr training - i also recommend the explosive child for reading and helping understanding this kind of behavior.
Again as someone else has said - not for one minute excusing the behavior but a happy child does not act this way - so i inagine that underneath all this awful and dysfunctional behavior is a child crying for help - they dont always do it in the nicest of ways and it doesnt mean you or your other poor dd need to tolerate it though. Call in as many hands as you can , school , family support , local services , if there is any local teams that have a walk in pyscologist advice clinic etc - bang on every door you can . Ask for some therapy for your younger dd too - it must be so stressful for her . I am disgusted to think that another parent is actually going along with or encouraging that kind of crap - if it is actually true she needs a good shake - but maybe its not and you are getting an edited version of it . If i heard that kind of thing from someone of that age I’d be on the phone to check on the parent to verify if instead of encouraging it along …

[Elsie]

agree totally with all above and wish you well. She will come round and eventually her batteries will be worn down - there is something underyling that needs to be heard and until she can verbalise it this is the way she is taking it out on the world with her dont care attitude. I actually looked up to see if there was any sort of boot camp she could go to but i could only find one for lads. which is such a shame as sometimes being taken out of the situation and with others it can make them see things from different perspectives.

Please see if your younger dd can get some sort of play therapy through the school or something like rainbows.( i think thats only for bereavement?) She also needs to understand that this is a part of her sisters life that is hard for her but she will come through soon.
and she will. but in the meantime its such a hard road.
just keep telling her you love her and try not to react to her outbursts. (easier said than done)
having gone through a couple of tough years i know where you are coming from and its hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel .... but you will get through it and get your daughter back..... x

[RDR]

Shining, I know janeymac posted this earlier but I had a read of it and am posting it again. The testimonials from parents who have done this and the issues raised just speak to your situation as you've described it. It is great to hear you've contacted your family worker. Maybe it is worth mentioning this programme when you're talking to them? Parentline isn't the only one delivering it and maybe your family worker is familiar with it. Hang in there.
https://www.parentline.ie/non-violent-resistance/

[Unnamed poster 7]

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