Dd14 out of control,just pushing boundaries or in need of he

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twinfun
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Re: Dd14 out of control,just pushing boundaries or in need of he

#61 Post by twinfun »

Shining I’m so sorry I have no advice
But it sounds horrendous and you will end up physically ill with stress if you don’t get some sort of break you poor thing
A talk by a community Gardai may help or even social services re foster care
I hope you all get some help soon

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Re: Dd14 out of control,just pushing boundaries or in need of he

#62 Post by Kensington »

Another thing, Shining, I was thinking is you can't force your eldest to engage with camhs or any therapist. but it might be very helpful for your younger one to have someone to talk to about what is going on in her home - either with or without you or a combination.

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Re: Dd14 out of control,just pushing boundaries or in need of he

#63 Post by Novbaby31 »

Shining - that is such a difficult situation and in all likelihood more common that people reveal.

You've gotten some good advice so far on this thread. One thing that occurs to me is that this is likely to get worse before it gets better as you re-establish boundaries and to be ready for that.

I echo the advice to get support for yourself and your younger child - if your DD is not willing to engage you both can anyway.

I would involve the school and make them aware of the situation and I would also tell her that you are doing so, that you are no longer willing to shield her from what other's will think of her abusive behaviour. She will full sure turn that back on you with abuse but you need to follow through if you say it - that is part of taking back some measure of control here. She can rail against it, be abusive, and it won't change what you are doing. You fundamentally can't change her behaviour, she has to do that, you do have control over how you react to it.


Part of me thinks that she needs a shock - a real and very severe consequence for her abusive behaviour towards you and her sibling - and it would likely have to be drastic to work. In reality I know that this is easier said than done and also doesn't really address the underlying reasons or work as a long term solution.

Use here for support as well - we can listen to you when you need to off load, be a supportive virtual shoulder as you work through this.
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Re: Dd14 out of control,just pushing boundaries or in need of he

#64 Post by Novbaby31 »

Shining - that is such a difficult situation and in all likelihood more common that people reveal.

You've gotten some good advice so far on this thread. One thing that occurs to me is that this is likely to get worse before it gets better as you re-establish boundaries and to be ready for that.

I echo the advice to get support for yourself and your younger child - if your DD is not willing to engage you both can anyway.

I would involve the school and make them aware of the situation and I would also tell her that you are doing so, that you are no longer willing to shield her from what other's will think of her abusive behaviour. She will full sure turn that back on you with abuse but you need to follow through if you say it - that is part of taking back some measure of control here. She can rail against it, be abusive, and it won't change what you are doing. You fundamentally can't change her behaviour, she has to do that, you do have control over how you react to it.


Part of me thinks that she needs a shock - a real and very severe consequence for her abusive behaviour towards you and her sibling - and it would likely have to be drastic to work. In reality I know that this is easier said than done and also doesn't really address the underlying reasons or work as a long term solution.

Use here for support as well - we can listen to you when you need to off load, be a supportive virtual shoulder as you work through this.

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Re: Dd14 out of control,just pushing boundaries or in need of he

#65 Post by OddSox »

Sorry to hear what you are going through shining, it makes very tough reading and I echo what others have said, you always come across as kind abs thoughtful and capable.
I do think your daughter sounds like she is in real trouble too, I can’t think what benefit she is getting from creating this constant chaos but the fact she is seeking it out at the expense of a loving home tells me she is in a poor place. That doesn’t for one minute excuse her treatment of you but I think it is also something that might be helped if you go for help yourself. By seeking support for you, you might just find the support she needs too. So don’t feel that you are putting yourself first at her expense, you are putting yourself first in order to save the both of you.
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Re: Dd14 out of control,just pushing boundaries or in need of he

#66 Post by Woolly »

Another with no advice. Gosh it’s an awful situation for you all and yes even that child. Her own head must be such a mess as that’s just not normal behaviour and she must know that if she can see other families without that turbulence. As it’s escalating there’s a real danger there for you all so I hope you can get some sort of intervention.

I feel for you as it seems lately you can’t catch a break at all. I really hope that some chink of hope opens up for you all.

Keep posting here but do you have a real life friend even for a hug. Wishing you luck xxx.


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Re: Dd14 out of control,just pushing boundaries or in need of he

#67 Post by Woolly »

Just to echo s line there oddsox said about putting yourself first in order to help her. It was said to me by a psychologist once that we need to think in terms of airplanes. The parent needs to put on the oxygen mask first otherwise it can’t do the child’s.

It’s always stuck in my head even though I don’t always follow it myself.


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Re: Dd14 out of control,just pushing boundaries or in need of he

#68 Post by purple star »

So sorry, that sounds horrendous to live with. You've gotten great advice here, definitely she sounds like she's not in a great place and this is how it's coming out. You need to protect your younger one as she is watching this and learning this. You shouldn't have to live like that. I hope you can get some help. I would try the community Garda.

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Re: Dd14 out of control,just pushing boundaries or in need of he

#69 Post by Juney »

My dd has similar traits. I let her away with stuff for a quiet life. I'm afraid if I lose control il actually physically hurt her. She cries on facetime to her friends and calls me names if I give out to her. She tries to embarrass me too in front of them but lately il pull them up on stuff. If I don't want them in the house etc il ask them directly to leave.
They normally do as I ask cause I wouldnt be asking in what you would call a "polite" way. My dd knows now I don't give a shit what her friends or their parents think of me. That in itself was a huge relief. She would tell them there's no food at home or dinner etc etc but I know it's not true so I don't bat an eyelid.

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Re: Dd14 out of control,just pushing boundaries or in need of he

#70 Post by felicity »

Shining

This sounds absolutely horrendous for you and goes beyond typical teenage behaviour. It sounds like she is very troubled herself.

I would focus on getting supports for you and your younger child definitely.

How would your dd react if you just completely ignored her when she was throwing insults around? Do not engage at all even to ask her to stop. It sounds like she thrives on you reacting.

To be honest i think I would contact Tusla and see if they can help.

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Re: Dd14 out of control,just pushing boundaries or in need of he

#71 Post by Iamsoneedy »

It sounds really tough Shining. I think Nessa gave great insights on the first page of this thread.

Hope you and your daughter get the help you need.
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Re: Dd14 out of control,just pushing boundaries or in need of he

#72 Post by fourarms »

Apologies if this has been asked before, but is her Dad involved at all? Would he intervene, or could she stay with him for a while? It's an awful situation on everyone involved.

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Re: Dd14 out of control,just pushing boundaries or in need of he

#73 Post by HeyJude »

I think Shining said the Dad isn't involved and they don't have a relationship.

Shining my heart goes out to you as it's an impossible situation. It really sounds like learned behavior from her Dad. She also sounds like she is hurting a lot because of how her Dad behaved and the whole separation etc.. She needs help and so do you and your younger DD.

Try again to ring Camhs, Tusla, Parentline and anyone else you can think of. Is there a Rainbows program for secondary schools? Try Barnardos also as they can be very good. If she won't engage with any services then you need to find something for yourself and your other DD as you both need to talk to someone about this and get help in how to deal with it. I would contact both schools if you can and let them know the situation at home as I'm sure it is affecting your younger child outside the home as well. The secondary may have programs in place to help your older DD.

If the story about the friends mother is true (and it's possible she made it up) then that woman is a disgrace.
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Re: Dd14 out of control,just pushing boundaries or in need of he

#74 Post by Shining »

Juney wrote: Wed Sep 22, 2021 10:04 am My dd has similar traits. I let her away with stuff for a quiet life. I'm afraid if I lose control il actually physically hurt her. She cries on facetime to her friends and calls me names if I give out to her. She tries to embarrass me too in front of them but lately il pull them up on stuff. If I don't want them in the house etc il ask them directly to leave.
They normally do as I ask cause I wouldnt be asking in what you would call a "polite" way. My dd knows now I don't give a shit what her friends or their parents think of me. That in itself was a huge relief. She would tell them there's no food at home or dinner etc etc but I know it's not true so I don't bat an eyelid.
Thank you Juney. You can't believe how much this means. I have this too; I'm filmed while upset and angry to her friends. I can relate to that fear you have...I fear the same..I'm pushed and pushed so much...I can't take it.

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Re: Dd14 out of control,just pushing boundaries or in need of he

#75 Post by Shining »

Can I just say I am overwhelmed by all your responses. Thank you all...I'm just speechless. Lots of amazing responses, info...thank you for sharing. Also thank you for your experiences and for your advice and also for bolstering my own confidence on reminding me I'm not wrong in seeking a bottom line of behaviour.
I contacted our family support worker and an awaiting a call back. I explained the background now and how we are all at breaking point.
My daughter (youngest) was so upset last night she was unable to go to school. I'm trying to keep going.
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