Dd14 out of control,just pushing boundaries or in need of he

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Need perspective
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Dd14 out of control,just pushing boundaries or in need of he

#1 Post by Need perspective »

regular gone anon as a good few know irl.So my dd 1 is nearly 15 in third year. I actually don't know where to start. It probably started 14 months ago when she self harmed, isolated incident done in temper, had cahms assessment and went for counselling and generally felt at the time that she wasn't in danger no major mental health issues. this incident has impeded my ability to parent effectively as I'm afraid if I say no too much that she will do something stupid. To say the Christmas holidays have been a nightmare has been an understatement. Anytime I tackle her on anything she throws it back in me makes it my fault and basically tells me how unhappy she is and I suppose I m now wondering if she is actually depressed or looking to get her own way. This week alone
-helped herself to can of Heineken sat in front of me drinking it and when we took it off her had a major strop and told us how awful we are and everybody is allowed.
- Hissy fit because wouldn't leave her to to"boyfriends house"told her well in advance that this wouldn't be happening as I allowed her before and when we picked her up no adult around, but he is welcome at ours but apparently we live in a shit hole and I'm a snobby c*nt and he's not allowed cause I'm such a c
- Went in to say good night and found her scantily clad talking to said boyfriend on FaceTime .... This is 2 am. For told to f out. Completely denied talking to him but I'm sure she was. I'm like we'd
- Friends birthday Christmas eve wanted sleepover the night before said no but left her up on Christmas eve for a couple of hours. Again major strip major row.
- Refuses to do anything she's asked
- Refuses to come out of the room
- Has not said a civil word to me in months.
Since she's had her Christmas holidays she will hAve been to 2_discos with sleepovers , ice skating and a couple of trips to town with friends so it's not like she's not allowed to anything. I hadn't slept in weeks in really worried. What should I do
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#2 Post by Polly13 »

Del
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Re: Dd14 out of control,just pushing boundaries or in need o

#3 Post by tel »

Have some of this with my 15 year old also. Very hard to maintain boundaries. The only thing that hurts or bothers her is taking her phone away.
She also said all her friends are drinking very regularly and seemingly she said a good few parents are giving their 15 yr kids the drink. Very hard to maintain a line if this is the case. She knows it's 18 from me. I know she may drink sooner but I dont be condoning or supplying it
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#4 Post by Iamsoneedy »

That sounds very tough and upsetting.

She wouldn’t be calling me a cunt and getting to go anywhere though.
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#5 Post by GoodnBad »

It sounds very difficult, would family counselling be an effective option? In reality it would be mediation. Hardline parents may not be the best route if you are nervous of self harm.
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#6 Post by Nessa »

Iamsoneedy wrote:That sounds very tough and upsetting.

She wouldn’t be calling me a cunt and getting to go anywhere though.
Same here, not a hope in hell would she be allowed use that language to me and not be severely punished for it.

We had similarish here a few years ago (although without the name calling and huge disrespect) and attended Pieta house who were fantastic, they met with him and then with Dh and I individually and his counsellor was able to tell us where we needed to modify/change our behaviour and language - we never saw it as an issue but it made perfect sense when she said it, plus if DS was bringing it up with her then it was obviously bothering/affecting him.
He too self harmed but that stopped as soon as he felt he was being listened to - and this was the crux of the matter for him.
We were advised, and I said the same to his year head/tutor and principal when I met with them to get them on board, that while we were to make allowances for him and his behaviour we were NOT to confuse that with making excuses for the majority of his behaviour bad behaviour and language were always to have consequences (better word than punishments in their world) but they needed to be well thought out and not thrown put in the heat of the moment.
He was a little younger then but still knew the difference between being rude and polite. Being respectful and disrespectful. Being kind and cruel.
Under no circumstance would I ever allow anyone to disrespect me and get away with it and DH and I had each others backs, he came down on him like a ton of bricks to back me up and vice versa - now I had to have strong words with DH as he was too much of a dinosaur, a do as I say and a because I said so Dad - but a few smacks his direction and he toed the line ;)
Our house our rules - don't give a shite what other parents allow - or rather what they claim other parents allow!!
We reverted back to remembering (again on the advice from the counsellor) how to deal with a demanding toddler throwing a tantrum - they are scared, confused, don't know what they want and are looking to you to make them happy, to make it alright again for them - and when they were little you would have done that in a heartbeat and with kindness and softness (well it's how we were all supposed to deal with it :blush: ) We knew we loved him - I actually get a pain sometimes when I think of how much I adore my kids - and while I tell mine every day cause I mean it, he had stopped hearing it so I made a point of actually looking at him and telling him accompanied with the fitting emotion.
That I didn't say no to him, say or do the wrong thing for the fun of it, I did it cause I loved him and thought I was doing and getting it right but was well aware I wasn't and for him to get better, for me to be better that we needed to actually talk and help each other here.

No more blanket NO's - there will still be no's as there will always be some things I won't roll back on, but together we will discuss the reasons why, I will listen, respect and possibly change my stance but he too MUST listen and respect me and my decision - the more that happens the longer the piece of elastic will stretch to as regards freedom/rules.

I would advise finding a good counsellor, ours was a godsend and such a huge help in helping us to help him, I do understand the fear of always worrying Oh god what if she......................... because I said......................... You can't live like that and you are doing her no favours living like that, she will actually start believing you couldn't care less what she does or says as you do nothing when she does - actions must have reactions.
Finding that balance between being loving, kind and supportive and being strong and disciplining them while at all times respecting them is not easy and you will not get it right all the time but you need to be working at it all the time.

One of the most important things we were told to do was to, under no circumstance, allow phones in the bedroom at night, 9oc phones downstairs, non negotiable.
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#7 Post by EmilyBronte »

I think this is more than the usual antics of a teen. I think you need some professional help with coping. I don’t think any of us could cope with the things you list here.
How is she in school? Is her bad behaviour saved for home?
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#8 Post by Iamsoneedy »

Nessa wrote:
Iamsoneedy wrote:That sounds very tough and upsetting.

She wouldn’t be calling me a cunt and getting to go anywhere though.
Same here, not a hope in hell would she be allowed use that language to me and not be severely punished for it.

We had similarish here a few years ago (although without the name calling and huge disrespect) and attended Pieta house who were fantastic, they met with him and then with Dh and I individually and his counsellor was able to tell us where we needed to modify/change our behaviour and language - we never saw it as an issue but it made perfect sense when she said it, plus if DS was bringing it up with her then it was obviously bothering/affecting him.
He too self harmed but that stopped as soon as he felt he was being listened to - and this was the crux of the matter for him.
We were advised, and I said the same to his year head/tutor and principal when I met with them to get them on board, that while we were to make allowances for him and his behaviour we were NOT to confuse that with making excuses for the majority of his behaviour bad behaviour and language were always to have consequences (better word than punishments in their world) but they needed to be well thought out and not thrown put in the heat of the moment.
He was a little younger then but still knew the difference between being rude and polite. Being respectful and disrespectful. Being kind and cruel.
Under no circumstance would I ever allow anyone to disrespect me and get away with it and DH and I had each others backs, he came down on him like a ton of bricks to back me up and vice versa - now I had to have strong words with DH as he was too much of a dinosaur, a do as I say and a because I said so Dad - but a few smacks his direction and he toed the line ;)
Our house our rules - don't give a shite what other parents allow - or rather what they claim other parents allow!!
We reverted back to remembering (again on the advice from the counsellor) how to deal with a demanding toddler throwing a tantrum - they are scared, confused, don't know what they want and are looking to you to make them happy, to make it alright again for them - and when they were little you would have done that in a heartbeat and with kindness and softness (well it's how we were all supposed to deal with it :blush: ) We knew we loved him - I actually get a pain sometimes when I think of how much I adore my kids - and while I tell mine every day cause I mean it, he had stopped hearing it so I made a point of actually looking at him and telling him accompanied with the fitting emotion.
That I didn't say no to him, say or do the wrong thing for the fun of it, I did it cause I loved him and thought I was doing and getting it right but was well aware I wasn't and for him to get better, for me to be better that we needed to actually talk and help each other here.

No more blanket NO's - there will still be no's as there will always be some things I won't roll back on, but together we will discuss the reasons why, I will listen, respect and possibly change my stance but he too MUST listen and respect me and my decision - the more that happens the longer the piece of elastic will stretch to as regards freedom/rules.

I would advise finding a good counsellor, ours was a godsend and such a huge help in helping us to help him, I do understand the fear of always worrying Oh god what if she......................... because I said......................... You can't live like that and you are doing her no favours living like that, she will actually start believing you couldn't care less what she does or says as you do nothing when she does - actions must have reactions.
Finding that balance between being loving, kind and supportive and being strong and disciplining them while at all times respecting them is not easy and you will not get it right all the time but you need to be working at it all the time.

One of the most important things we were told to do was to, under no circumstance, allow phones in the bedroom at night, 9oc phones downstairs, non negotiable.

This is such a brilliant post and I’d love to show it to someone I know who is struggling and afraid to challenge appalling behaviour because their teenager has threatened all sorts. CAMHS were absolutely useless in their case. They’re attending private counselling and it’s day by day. Small steps.
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#9 Post by Need perspective »

Thank you Nessa, she went to pieta last year after the self harming and was very good. I am trying to get her to go back but she feels she doesn't need it and doesn't want to go there but will consider somebody else. Should I just make her go, one of the big things with pieta was that it had to be her choice


She is lovely to everybody else so I know that whatever the issue is, I am the proverbial punchbag. School is better than it was, marks have improved but she is capable of much better. No major behaviour problems, some issues with one teacher as he was getting some of the attitude but has improved a he refused to take it from her. Her younger sister was extremely ill for most of 2019 and I wonder is she cross at me as I suppose I wasn't as available to her. I agree she shouldn't be left go anywhere with this behaviour but I'm worn down and dh is pissed off with me for giving in. Phone will be out of room and handed up at 10.30 every night once back at school......restrictions were lifted for holidays . I feel like a birch all the time but thank you as I realise from answers im not the only one who thinks this behaviour is concernibg.
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#10 Post by Capricorn »

Superb post Nessa,even for parents starting out on this behaviour.

Good Luck OP, hope you can find a way back.
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#11 Post by Unnamed poster 6 »

Tusla do a very good course called managing challenging behaviour (at least it's very good in my area)... Parents do it first, then teenager also attends.
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#12 Post by sizzle »

John sharry also runs a course called positive parenting it’s short but he will answer questions and you can talk to him directly too. Ds is 12 almost 13 and I am getting a big wake up call daily, I don’t think any parent can be sure what the teenage years will bring.https://www.solutiontalk.ie/
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#13 Post by Groucho »

Great post, Nessa. OP, I know you are worried she'll act out, but there is no way on God's earth anyone in my house would be making my life so miserable AND getting the money and freedom to do the nice stuff as well. It is no infringement of her human rights to insist that she shows you respect in your own home as the price of her lifestyle (as well as being a decent human being, though that might matter less to her right now). I'd be drawing a very direct line between her behaviour towards you and her general quality of lifestyle. It will probably cause another row, but it needs to be done and soon. And it may take more than one conversation or row, until she gets the message. And getting the message simply means - you establish how you want her to behave towards you at home and what it will mean for her in terms of funds or freedom if she fails to play ball. And you follow through every single goddamn time.

Nessa mentioned toddler behaviour and this is very similar - she's pushing and pushing at her boundaries to see where you will say ENOUGH. And knows you find it hard because of her past behaviour. But you do need to reestablish her boundaries, with love, or things will only get worse.

Am wondering also, is there anyone else in the extended family that she looks up to or takes notice of? Not to cede your parental role or authority, but someone she likes who can also say "Woah there, lady". Unless she is monumentally self-centred, she must at her core realise this is no way to be going on and maybe needs someone (that's not you) to point this out to her, while also extending the hand of friendship in case she needs to talk about whatever is bothering her. Do you have a sister or anyone similar that she gets on with? Where is your OH in all of this, assuming he is in your lives, how does she get on with him?
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Re: Dd14 out of control,just pushing boundaries or in need o

#14 Post by Maudie »

Great advice from Nessa.

Another one who found Pieta House brilliant for advice. One of our children had been self harming for a while and whilst I knew there was something wrong I didn’t know the extent. We found a brilliant counsellor who helped us get through. Like someone else CAMHS were no good, offered us no help.

We didn't walk on eggshells and still said no to things and set boundaries. There was one major incident and that involved our child being suspended and then grounded for 3 weeks - straight to and from school, no town on half day or weekends. Punishment was accepted, no threats of doing anything.

What we did, phone was put away every evening and we spent more family time together. Not forced time but we would have a movie/popcorn night, go out for lunch/dinner, cinema, out for walks and made sure we all had our dinner together. That helped - you don't need to do all things, pick what works for you as a family. Yes, it is hard to get teens to get involved in family life but we did it. Getting out of the house and visiting relatives helped. My child gets on brilliantly with one uncle so we did loads of visits there so it meant spending time in the car with us, stopping for lunch/coffee, walking the dog etc.

Like Nessa the biggest thing we were told was cutting off the phone at a set time. They won't like it at the start but they cope.

Definitely look for a good counsellor. We had no idea how to deal with everything and it was overwhelming but we got through it.
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#15 Post by HeyJude »

Great post Nessa and good for us all to remember that 'teenhood' is very similar to 'toddlerhood' in many ways. I too would say that you need professional advice on this whether she really is just pushing boundaries/acting out or needs extra help. Just to get outside advice on parenting and for your DD to have someone outside to talk to.
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