My friend said my dh groped her

[wuzziwig]

I never suggested involving solicitors or the police.
But if my partner was accused of sexual assault I couldn't just ignore it but maybe that's just me. If he was accused in the wrong because a woman was jealous I'd be livid. Equally I'd be livid if he did sexually assault someone.

And just because a person says they are ok with being groped and it happens all the time does not make it ok. This woman may think it's ok for multiple men to grope her but as I said already groping someone or being accused of groping someone is most certainly wrong. I would have to find out more about this, I couldn't just pretend she said nothing or ignore it.

[RDR]

I wouldn't let it go and I'd be talking to my dh about how to manage it. It is HIS reputation that is at stake here and if this woman is regularly talking about guys coming on to her I would not be assuming she won't spread this further. So for that reason I'd be inclined to think that a meeting is the way to go with either the three of you (or four including her husband so that there's no suggestion of ganging up).

I'm inclined to look at motivations here. If she was groped and was upset or didn't want it to happen again the obvious thing to do would NOT be to ask you to not mention it to your dh. What she has done is look to upset you and badmouth your dh but with no desire to deal with him or the allegation? That's weird IMHO. If she really didn't want to do anything about a groping why would she tell the wife?

Women get groped. Though maybe not with the frequency she is describing. Her response both generally and this alleged case are really odd. If she is making this stuff up she needs confronted before she does serious damage. If she isn't making it up I'd suggest she needs to get some help around how to manage and respond to these situations.

[April]

I’d want to look into things a little more too. If it didn’t happen, the friend needs to be made aware that she cannot be making false allegations of sexual assault. If it did happen, obviously it takes things to a different level.

What happens if this woman starts telling others in the friendship groups that she was groped by him and he didn’t ? Mud sticks.

[EmilyBronte]

No way in the world I could let this go if it were me and my friend and my Dh.
What does your Dh think? Did he not want to challenge her on what she said? Wouldn’t most people who were accused of something they didn’t do want to challenge the person who accused them.

Will he just let it go and potentially be in her company again.

What do you want to do about it op?




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[Muggins]

I wouldn't let it go but i wouldn't rush to solrs etc.

Whatever you do out something in writing, along the lines of 'I told DH, he's adamant it didn't happen, can we meet up the three of us and get this straightened out?'

Try and keep any communication to text etc and see what she says.

Unless you believe her I would distance myself from her. It's a serious accusation to make in such a throwaway manner, and what does she expect you to do with it?!

[April]

Whatever you do out something in writing, along the lines of 'I told DH, he's adamant it didn't happen, can we meet up the three of us and get this straightened out?'

Try and keep any communication to text etc and see what she says.!

I’m not sure exactly sure what the OP should do but I would not put anything in writing at this stage, nor would I suggest the three of you meeting up. The OP’s friend would need to have someone with her too, otherwise it could be construed as harassment on the OP and her DH’s part.

[anon]

Thanks everyone.

She mentioned it as she thought it was hilarious and takes it that he fancies her she could see by my reaction that I was horrified and she backtracked and said maybe he assumed she was me. I told her I would be speaking with him as it is not okay and she said she didn't want fuss.

I have spoken to her about this before. She constantly tells me that men touch her breasts, ass, come on to her. In work, etc. I asked her "how are you okay with this"?? It is basically assault and extremely disrespectful to her. She doesn't see it as abusive, she takes it as a compliment.

She has been acting very oddly in the past few years. We are very close so I do have insight. She constantly speaks about how attractive people find her. She has a young daughter who has very distressed one day. She said she is "ugly" and wants to be beautiful like her "mama". I was upset for the little girl and gave her a cuddle, reassured her, etc. but my friend found it funny.

[janeymac]

If op or her husband really want to pursue this, I would go softly softly. The friend told it in a very offhand casual way the way it sounds-i.e your dh grabbed my ass, don't mention it to him as he'd be embarrassed and it's no big deal as I get my ass grabbed all the time. The friend seems almost flattered, certainly not upset by the whole thing.
The most I'd do as op is definitely not put anything in writing, just keep it as casual as the friend did. Say the husband denies it and is very very upset and certain he didn't grope her. Could she be mistaken? I would give her the opportunity to backtrack without losing face. If you go in hard, talking of sexual assault and solicitors etc, she may feel compelled to stick to her story even if not true. And it also gives her opportunity to explain the situation to you if she feels it did happen. But I would tread carefully. Mud does stick.
I wouldn't be starting a process to clear my dh's name of a sexual assault accusation if the friend is not calling it this and I didn't believe it happened. Unless the friend is telling people, op would be absolutely crazy to go this road imo. No matter how it panned out, a sexual assault accusation is not something you want your family associated with. And it would linger forever....other parents worried about their kids in your house as your dh had some sort of sexual assault accusation.....the friend is not calling sexual assault-op would be mad to set something like this in motion. The repercussions are so so serious. That is how I would advise if the op was a friend. The op's friend can get her own advice.

[HeyJude]

OP have you made any decisions??

[Smoke]

"....She told me not to mention it to him as he is extremely shy and would be embarrassed ..."

The whole thing is weird behaviour, but this comment of hers jumps out at me.
I don't think this lady appreciates the gravitas of what she's saying. I mean did he suddenly behave out of character and overpower what she acknowledges as extreme shyness to grope her?. I honestly don't think she has a clue what she's saying either wrt you and your feelings or how your dh might feel being accused like this, or else she maybe has this behaviour minimised in terms of its implications and thinks it's normal and no biggie in terms of saying somebody did it. .
Its always possible the truth falls between two stools here. He may have brushed past her and she misconstrued his movements as something they weren't, like many other people she interacts with (because this groping behaviour is certainly not my experience in day to day life).
I don't think I could let it lie, but I'd be guided by my dh. Most reasonable innocent men would be upset and angry by an accusation like this though. Well my dh would anyway.

[Muggins]

Whatever you do out something in writing, along the lines of 'I told DH, he's adamant it didn't happen, can we meet up the three of us and get this straightened out?'

Try and keep any communication to text etc and see what she says.!

I’m not sure exactly sure what the OP should do but I would not put anything in writing at this stage, nor would I suggest the three of you meeting up. The OP’s friend would need to have someone with her too, otherwise it could be construed as harassment on the OP and her DH’s part.

I'd keep much as i can in writing, if she's lying then she may be more hesitant to write it down, and whoever is lying it should be in writing so they can be held to account.

[November]

"....She told me not to mention it to him as he is extremely shy and would be embarrassed ..."

The whole thing is weird behaviour, but this comment of hers jumps out at me.
I don't think this lady appreciates the gravitas of what she's saying. I mean did he suddenly behave out of character and overpower what she acknowledges as extreme shyness to grope her?. I honestly don't think she has a clue what she's saying either wrt you and your feelings or how your dh might feel being accused like this, or else she maybe has this behaviour minimised in terms of its implications and thinks it's normal and no biggie in terms of saying somebody did it. .
Its always possible the truth falls between two stools here. He may have brushed past her and she misconstrued his movements as something they weren't, like many other people she interacts with (because this groping behaviour is certainly not my experience in day to day life).
I don't think I could let it lie, but I'd be guided by my dh. Most reasonable innocent men would be upset and angry by an accusation like this though. Well my dh would anyway.

I agree. I don't think she knows how serious this is and the impact that this could have.

This would make me concerned that she would repeat it to others. If it is untrue and she would say it to his own wife who else would she say it to you.

If it were me I would have to bring it up with her again. As you say, you know her and you know she has been acting strangely.

If it were true, her saying not tell him because he is shy is a strange thing to say.

Discogirl, i believe the OP mentioned her personality changing as a result of her weight loss so I believe this was relevant to the story.

[Penny]

OP, your friends comments and the actions aren't normal. I have never heard of a woman being groped or having her breasts touched as much as this woman. And to keep talking about how people find her attractive and keep coming on to her.

If this is happening in work it's a very serious work place issue.

You said your friend has changed, do you think that something very serious may have happened to her - maybe she was badly assaulted before and has never dealt with it. It reminds me very much of a girl I worked with who was seriously assaulted and never dealt with it. She lost loads of weight and she was the one who was coming on to people as she needed people to find her attractive.

I would want to talk about what she claims your DH did. If she tells other people then it's your husbands reputation at stake and if it isn't true she needs to understand how serious it is to say he groped her.

[wuzziwig]

If op or her husband really want to pursue this, I would go softly softly. The friend told it in a very offhand casual way the way it sounds-i.e your dh grabbed my ass, don't mention it to him as he'd be embarrassed and it's no big deal as I get my ass grabbed all the time. The friend seems almost flattered, certainly not upset by the whole thing.
The most I'd do as op is definitely not put anything in writing, just keep it as casual as the friend did. Say the husband denies it and is very very upset and certain he didn't grope her. Could she be mistaken? I would give her the opportunity to backtrack without losing face. If you go in hard, talking of sexual assault and solicitors etc, she may feel compelled to stick to her story even if not true. And it also gives her opportunity to explain the situation to you if she feels it did happen. But I would tread carefully. Mud does stick.
I wouldn't be starting a process to clear my dh's name of a sexual assault accusation if the friend is not calling it this and I didn't believe it happened. Unless the friend is telling people, op would be absolutely crazy to go this road imo. No matter how it panned out, a sexual assault accusation is not something you want your family associated with. And it would linger forever....other parents worried about their kids in your house as your dh had some sort of sexual assault accusation.....the friend is not calling sexual assault-op would be mad to set something like this in motion. The repercussions are so so serious. That is how I would advise if the op was a friend. The op's friend can get her own advice.

She may tell other people in a jokey way that the OP's DH grabbed her ass and laugh about it. But they may not think it so funny, same as many others on here don't. He could gain a reputation that way also.

[Bubbles]

She should be tackled on it IMO. She cannot make accusations like that just because her ego is inflated. Your poor dh, she could really make trouble for someone by these remarks she is making if they are untrue. I wouldn’t call her a friend.