Friends issue - update

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Dilemma
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Friends issue - update

#1 Post by Dilemma »

Hi all. I posed about this issue previously. I am friends with "Jane". I am also good friends with another group of ladies, we also in the same Club. Love these girls. One of the girls got very sick last year and unfortunately passed away 6 months ago. Let's call her "Mary". I wasn't particularly close to her but liked her a lot. She was good friends with the other girls. One in particular, was her best friend for many years.

Jane and the girl who passed away are neighbours. They were friendly for a few years but Jane upset this girl (something over kids) so they kept a distance. Jane attended her wake (she was not invited to this but turned up) and she attended funeral. The wake and funeral were strictly for family and close friends only.

Since then, the girls in other group have been a little cool with me. I have been excluded from a lot of nights out, etc. I rang one of the girls, who is the best friend of the girl who passed away. She told me a few things which have really shocked me. She said that Jane said something very upsetting to the girl who passed. It was something really hurtful and insensitive and caused a lot of upset. She also said something upsetting to a relative of the girl at the wake. This relative ended up leaving early because she was so upset.

I tried to explain that Jane is a friend but I am not responsible for her behaviour. The best friend agreed with me and said she is grieving and just needs to keep a healthy distance for a while.

It explains why the other girls are cool too. I guess they are all hurting. I know Jane can be brittle but she is a very good friend to me and I am so fond of her. I don't know what to do.

Happymammy
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Re: Friends issue - update

#2 Post by Happymammy »

If it was me it would depend on whether the intention to hurt was there or not. Did Jane deliberately and spitefully say something knowing it would hurt your late friend? If she did, then i wouldn't want anything got to do with a person like that. If it was something said that Jane didnt think would hurt or possible lacks the self awareness to know what is and isn't appropriate then i wouldn't end the friendship. It might be helpful to Jane if you could explain to her why her comments were hurtful and how they came across to others and maybe she can learn from this?

HeyJude
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Re: Friends issue - update

#3 Post by HeyJude »

I'm not sure how you would approach this with Jane and as another poster said intention is important. Is Jane aware that you are 'suffering' for her crimes? If she is what is her take on it? I also would remind your other friends that you didn't bring Jane or say what Jane said and that you understand they are grieving but also that it is very childish of them to take their upset at Jane out on you. See what they have to say then. I don't think any of them 'Jane' or the others have covered them in glory here.
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Dilemma
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Re: Friends issue - update

#4 Post by Dilemma »

Thank you girls. Jane has a tendancy to be offensive to some people. A lot of people do not like her at all. She is super confident but can come across as bragging a lot, about her looks, money, her kids, etc. She puts other peoples dislike of her down to jealousy. She made a comment to "mary" when she was ill about losing her hair during treatment. It was insensitive to say the least. I did say it to Jane and she said she was just trying to lighten the mood but it upset Mary greatly.

I do know Jane and Mary were quite friendly a few years ago but they did have a falling out. Jane blames mary for this and has "had it in for her" for a long time. Then Mary became sick and passed away all within a few months.

I am torn because I understand why the other girls feel the way they do but Jane is very good to me, my dh and kids.

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Toma
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Re: Friends issue - update

#5 Post by Toma »

They sound like a “lovely” bunch, I wouldn’t allow them to affect my friendships. And also it’s only hearsay perhaps Jane resolved her differences before the other lady passed. I hate that herd mentality - we don’t all like/click with the same people and it’s very schoolgirl like behavior to exclude people in that way.


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Re: Friends issue - update

#6 Post by Unnamed poster 7 »

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Starryeyedsurprise
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Re: Friends issue - update

#7 Post by Starryeyedsurprise »

I generally judge people on how they treat me. Why on earth did Jane turn up to funeral if it was strictly family and close friends only though?? That should have been respected IMO

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Scorpio
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Re: Friends issue - update

#8 Post by Scorpio »

I think I’d stay well clear of them all. Neither party have covered themselves in glory.

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Re: Friends issue - update

#9 Post by Nodrog »

School yard behaviour.
I would distance myself from them all. Describing your friend as *brittle* doesn't paint her in a good light.

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#10 Post by Vino »

Who does she mean she needs to keep a healthy distance from, you or Jane?
How often do you see Jane, are you seen as some sort of package deal where they think they can't see you without Jane?
I think it's very hypocritical to treat you like this under the guise of standing up for how a good friend was treated.

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#11 Post by Rita »

They sound like bullies to me.
You aren't Jane so why exclude you ?

If my teenage daughter did this I would not be impressed with her.

I don't think they were as good friends as you thought....good friends don't act like this.

Penny
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Re: Friends issue - update

#12 Post by Penny »

I honestly don't know why they are excluding you because of Janes behaviour. I assume when you go out with them Jane isn't with you.

Friends of mine are friends with a girl I don't like (she really dislikes me and has made it very clear) but I don't stay clear of them because of her.

I find this behaviour strange that they are punishing you because of your friendship with Jane.

Shivvy
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Re: Friends issue - update

#13 Post by Shivvy »

This really and truly reads like its teenagers.

Honestly, I would steer clear of friends that treated me differently because I was friends with another person. They need to cop on and get over themselves.

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tea
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Re: Friends issue - update

#14 Post by tea »

Maybe they're wondering how you can be friends with someone so insensitive (judging people by the company they keep)
They don't know the nicer side of Jane that you do and only have seen their friend Mary being hurt by her.
I would explain that you're friends with Jane and that she has been good to you but you understand that she cam say cutting things - but not to judge you based on her behaviour.
Does Jane not get how she's being hurtful? I wonder are people like that so oblivious? How can they lack empathy to the point where they think making a remark that hurts someone was "lightening the mood" or showing up uninvited to funeral.
I've met people like that in work and wider circle and am amazed at their self absorption that they can't "see " this. My maternal aunt can be like that. Took it upon herself to march up on the altar at my dad's funeral to read a prayer coz she wanted to. Didn't get why that might upsrt his sister's or his kids.

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Re: Friends issue - update

#15 Post by Starryeyedsurprise »

I lost my best friend recently. Grief is a strange thing. If somebody like "Jane" upset her while she was ill, I would be absolutely livid :crybaby:

Having said that, the other women are behaving badly too. Give it time, they are grieving too. Maybe organise a few drinks or something soon (minus Jane!!) and take it from there.

BTW, Jane sounds horrendous to be honest but I guess you see something in her

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