Looking after elderly MIL

[MIL getting Old]

MIL (widow), is 88, lives alone in a 4 bedroom detached bungalow.
It's just DH and his brother (and his wife).
MIL still drives but this won't be for very much longer. She is bad on her feet and can't walk very far. She is very forgetful, her short term memory is awful (as in fishbowl memory) but can chat about the old days for yours remembering everything.

DH visits twice a week after work, I go every Sunday. I clean, vacuum, wash clothes, shop...BIL has poa, he looks after all of the financial side, car,. His wife is super too. They probably do more running around than us (BIL retired and they live closer). MIL would phone him quite a lot.
SIL found a dog Walker who comes every day to walk MIL lively dog (and ensures MIL takes her tablets)
MIL isn't entitled to home help, she is quite well off.

I work 5 days a week, have the usual family stuff that everyone has and Sundzy, well I'm starting to feel resentful and I hate myself for feeling this way. I've been doing it 3 years and I'm tired.
I feel mean for writing it down, I love her to bits.
The dog is a pain in the ass it's very destructive, eats loo roll tissue, chews cushions as a result even if you vacuum you could go back the following day and the place is like a bomb site.
MIL adores the dog, it's great company so not s hope we can rehome, this is one of the reasons for the dog Walker, we feel if she is properly exercised she will be less likely to chew, we are only a week into the dog Walker so will see how that goes.

Heading into Autumn, this coupled with dark evenings, bad weather and the two hour round trip, I'm honestly dreading the coming months.
There have been a couple of weeks where DH does Sunday (If I had plans/even on), but he needs a break too.

When I committed to every Sunday 3 years back I honestly didn't think it through at the time.

Even writing it down makes me sound like a right cow, I suppose I'm just wondering if anyone else is going through the same.

[EmilyBronte]

I did for a long time with my grandmother. It was tough going at times but it was very rewarding too as I absolutely enjoyed her. She moved to a nursing home when she needed 24 hour care. If she has the means could you pay someone to do the cleaning elements and just sit with her and chat. I’d certainly consider using paid help if it was possible at all.

[RDR]

You're not a cow. You're a human being who has been doing an incredible amount but is still a human being for all that. And you're tired. That's ok. It sounds to me like the family need to sit down and talk about the situation. What worked 3 years ago does not mean it still works, or will continue to work.

If your MIL wants to stay at home and doesn't qualify for free home help but is well-off then maybe it is time to have the conversation about paying for home help. Or even a cleaner. Or tbh, both. There's no value to her leaving money behind her to her children when it could be used now in improving everybody's quality of life. Given what you've said about her capacity and that BIL has POA it sounds like he should be able to take those decisions. If he is resistant then it may be necessary to withdraw your cleaning, laundry and housework services. The risk of not implementing cleaning and home help type services for her at home is that something will happen to her and she'll end up in hospital and a nursing home.

That's my tuppence worth. You're not unreasonable. The situation needs to be re-assessed. We save for our futures (or try) so that we can be looked after - not so that our family end up exhausted and we get to leave money to them.

[Unnamed poster 7]

Post Deleted

[ainm2]

I think every single Sunday is a bit much to ask. I would sit down with the four of you and ask if they could cover half of the Sundays and you/dh cover the remainder between you. Also discuss whether a cleaner could be on the agenda. If that isn't possible then whoever is visiting during the week could do a bit of cleaning to keep on top of things, laundry, shopping etc. could be done during the week too without eating too much into time for company/chatting.

[jammymammy]

I’d definitely look into getting a cleaner.

[yummydesserts]

If she has the funds she should pay for some help at this stage, we do all the above for my father and more but neither he nor us have funds to pay for extra help along with all the other out of pocket expenses we provide for him. He gets home help 5 mornings to get him up, bathe, dress etc, afaik home help like that is not means based, well at least my very very wealthy uncle was getting it for years until he died earlier this year.

But HSE home help won't clean up or do housework anyway, some of the ones my Dad had used to do a bit as in wipe a counter or throw on a wash when there but with the new changes and a roster system they don't even really do that so unless she needs the personal care type help the HSE will be no good to you. But if she does end up needing it then I would look for it.

It is very wearing and even I sometimes feel a little resentful of being so tied so if she can pay for help then I would certainly broach that subject so that your visits are more to actually visit than to do jobs.

I do every Sunday and my sister does every Saturday and my brother does a lot of week days work allowing and I pick up the slack during the week, my sister is less free during week due to her own family/job. We have a little leeway if for example one of us has to be away but in general that is the system so I know how it feels re the Sundays.

[Dnwa]

I resent doing my own house never mind anyone elses !!

I would defo look in to a cleaner lady 3 times a week. Even the dog walker would she hang on a few hours and tidy over, possible prep a meal or just keep her company
It would take pressure off everone.

[pichet]

I think we all enter these commitments at the time not realising that we would still be doing them years later. We are still caring for my own mother at home in her 90s. At 88 its definitely time to get some help in. If she is over 70 she is entitled to a medical card and possibly some home help, either way there is private help available. A cleaner would do most of the housework you are doing( a home help wont) but some home help might free up time for others in the family. Then it might be possible for you to do alternate Sundays calling on MIL for an hour instead of every Sunday doung housework.
Her needs are likely to increase so getting some one in now for an hour a day will make it easier for her when she needs more help.

[ali]

Have been through this with my own mother and the situation will get worse. She is just on the cusp of independent living. My mother was similar, was fine alone then she hit 90 and its like no matter how your health is everything just automatically starts to slow down and conditions develop. Personally yourself, dh and his brother and wife need to sit down and make a plan. Tbh it sounds dramatic but really would be looking at getting her to move into monitored homes. There are some lovely little developments around, everyone has their own little bungalow but there is 24hr securityman in the campus and she would have the company of others living there but still able to close her own front door when she wants to be alone.