Christmas with a family rift

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What2Do
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Christmas with a family rift

#1 Post by What2Do »

Due to repeated unkind and unfair circumstances and exclsuion my partner and I have moved away from engaging with some of our family. It was easier to step away than to continue trying, only to be hurt again. It has been a hard stance, and one which goes against our nature but something had to give as we were stressed and demented from the recccuring hurt.

Even though our children were hurt by the actions these people are still their family and relations and while I have stopped taking them to visit family, I have never once stopped any family member from engaging with my children, but sadly they haven't even tried to.

How do I allow / let / encourage my children to acknowledge these people at Christmas (my heart is telling me to) but my heart is also very sore from the events that caused this separation in the first place.

I was reared with manners, and this kind of family rift is alien to me. I want my kids to have manners, even if the manners of the grown ups leave a lot to be desired .
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Re: Christmas with a family rift

#2 Post by Lady Madonna »

my children are in a similar situation with OHs family. I've been over thinking it for nearly 3 years now but as regrettable as it is having no contact, it's better than the toxic contact we had before. I'm on my way out the door now I'll write more later

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Re: Christmas with a family rift

#3 Post by DiscoGirl »

If your children were hurt as a result of their actions I wouldn’t be encouraging anything tbh, it’s not bad manners it’s called looking after the needs of you and your children , by all means send a card from you and ur family if that will make you feel better, enjoy ur Christmas with your children try not let other people’s actions affect that, easier said than done , just remember practice makes perfect. Sadly you can’t change the way people treat you but you can change how you accept it
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Re: Christmas with a family rift

#4 Post by molls »

Maybe when your kids are doing christmas cards you can ask if they want to send ones to those relatives.
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Re: Christmas with a family rift

#5 Post by Iamanisland »

If adults are not making an effort with your children then I certainly wouldn't expect my children to go out of their way to make contact with the adults, at Christmas or any other time. Surely the onus is not on your children. Agree with everything CountryChic said above too.
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Re: Christmas with a family rift

#6 Post by Juniperberries »

If I wasn’t speaking to a family member, I wouldn’t expect them to engage with my children. Similarly I wouldn’t try to engage with their children because I wouldn’t know how it woukd be taken, or if I was crossing a line. Unless the children are adults and capable of maintaining ties and relationships with these relatives themselves, I wouldn't expect them to have any more contact than you do yourselves.
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Re: Christmas with a family rift

#7 Post by apache »

Juniperberries wrote:If I wasn’t speaking to a family member, I wouldn’t expect them to engage with my children. Similarly I wouldn’t try to engage with their children because I wouldn’t know how it woukd be taken, or if I was crossing a line. Unless the children are adults and capable of maintaining ties and relationships with these relatives themselves, I wouldn't expect them to have any more contact than you do yourselves.

This. I'm estranged from my family and in particular my mother. She has been given opportunities by my DH to engage with our kids and hasn't taken up any of the opportunities. As far as I'm concerned, children shouldn't be required through a sense of duty or otherwise to engage with badly behaved adults. i don't and won't encourage them to contact her.

I don't think it's for you to make/encourage them to make contact with people who appear to have no concern for their feelings or welfare.
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Re: Christmas with a family rift

#8 Post by Scorpio »

We are in a similar position with my family. My nieces and nephews are all grown up now so I maintain contact with them but don’t give them presents anymore. My kids are 10 and 13 and only hear from my family at birthdays and Christmas - usually cards posted with money enclosed, or gifts left in the porch after dark. I always get them to text back to say thank you, but that is the extent of the contact.

My kids know the reasons why we don’t see my sisters and understand that I had to create boundaries to protect myself from toxic behaviour. I hope they are learning about boundaries themselves and about self-worth.

I have never stopped my family from seeing or contacting my kids, but they don’t even try.
Last edited by Scorpio on Thu Nov 08, 2018 6:39 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Christmas with a family rift

#9 Post by Bippityboppityboo »

I'm in this exact situation right now too!

I don't think that i will make any contact with my brother over christmas, he has been an absolute ass of the highest order to me during the summer...but i'm a bit stuck with what to do about our family secret santa... you see i'm the one that organises it every year...

I'm stuck!

Bbb
If we're gonna make it
'Cross this river alive
We need to think like a boat
And go with the tide


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Re: Christmas with a family rift

#10 Post by Unnamed poster 7 »

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Re: Christmas with a family rift

#11 Post by CockChoker »

3dollys wrote:I am NC with my parents. They have tried to engage with my children but I dont allow it. You will not step over me to get to my children.
Its my job to protect them and that is what I have done and will continue to do.
You cannot be a good grandparent if you are abusive to their mother, so no, there will be no cards sent, and no cards opened. They get sent, the get returned to sender.
It has nothing to do with manners. Manners and being polite caused all sorts of heartache. Dont offend. Dont upset.
So no, its not about manners. Its respect. Respect us or you dont get to see us.
They know exactly why we dont see my parents. They dont want to, they know how I was treated and know how very very wrong it is and they want no truck with it. Even at this young age of theirs.
This 100%, 3dollys has hit the nail on the head, you cannot be a good grandparent if you are abusive to their mother, the same applies to aunts and uncles.

What2Do it's not about manners, it's about respect and also teaching your children that actions have consequences and how they shouldn't put up with people hurting them.

Bear in mind there have been so many posts on various parenting sites where a parent is estranged from a grandparent/aunt/uncle and the grandparent is in contact with the grandchild/ren and uses that connection as a means to get at the parent or make hurtful comments about the parent to the child. That's very common.

I've had no contact with my mother for over 15 years, my Dad's dead but it gets a lot easier as time passes but one great positive is that my life and that of my own family is much happier without that wagon in my life. My lads are adults now and have no interest in having anything to do with her.
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Re: Christmas with a family rift

#12 Post by Lady Madonna »

we've learned the hard way that Christmas is probably the most important time to keep our distance. that's why we went away last Christmas, the 2 previous Christmases we tried to keep our distance but still got caught up in their BS.

I did make the effort a few times to bring the children to OHs family without him (he knew, I wasn't going behind his back) but I started to feel like I was only enabling the situation to continue. last year I got a message asking me to bring them to see his mother on a certain day at a certain time and I said no because I was working. she sent DD a birthday card and DD had a few minutes to spare so she called in by herself to thank her in person and then she said to DD to come back another day and bring ds1 and ds2 so she thinks she's found another enabler now. DD said another family member has moved back in with her and DS1 won't go anywhere he is.

I do feel bad that children are having to live with the fallout from adult problems but like previous posts said they might learn the importance of boundaries and respect.

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Re: Christmas with a family rift

#13 Post by Goingagain »

Similar situation in my own family, I had only started my family at the time, however I walked away from nieces and nephews and never made contact, not for any other reason other than there was no other way. It would have been awkward to put a distance between us if I was still trying to see the kids. They have never tried to see mine either so works both ways.

Amazing when you stop running to/after people how everything stops. I would just carry on as normal, maybe send a card if you want to offer an olive branch, but I think it would be odd to just put from the kid's.
I always send one as there was no row here.
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Re: Christmas with a family rift

#14 Post by apache »

The thing I find difficult is trying not to have contact with any of my family in order to avoid my mother using them as enablers. Any chink & she’s in with her poisonous ways and I just won’t have it for me or my kids.
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Re: Christmas with a family rift

#15 Post by Lady Madonna »

apache wrote:The thing I find difficult is trying not to have contact with any of my family in order to avoid my mother using them as enablers. Any chink & she’s in with her poisonous ways and I just won’t have it for me or my kids.
that's how things came to a head here, OH used to be on good enough terms with one family member who is very hot headed and looking back I can see now that 2 others used him as their flying monkey. now that that connection has been severed I know one of them would try and manipulate my kids any chance she got.

maybe in the OPs case it's not as bad but we had simmering tensions for a few years and Christmas 2015 was when they came to a head so if things are any way shaky in the family don't spend time with anybody you don't want to.

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