Am I naive or over-reacting? Doubting myself

[PiriPiri]

@Dutchie...I wish I was trolling. I wish I wasn't in this situation. I know it's not right, I know it's not normal...I have gone anon as I feel ashamed that I have ended up here. I never thought I would be in this situation. How could anyone stay in an abusive relationship, right? It has escalated slowly and only when I brought up separation and he put his fist through the wall did I realise how bad it has gotten. He says I'm his everything and that he can't live without me and then he turns around and does something I would never have believed him of. Of course he is not all bad....it would have been so much easier if it was a black and white situation, if he beat me I would be gone. But it has been so subtle...like I said, he accuses me of being controlling, but in fact I think he is the one who controls. He shifts from being vulnerable and asking me for help to telling me that I don't spend enough time with him or the children and that everything would be good if I just showed them that I loved them more. Counselling has been good, but clearly I thought we were headed in one direction and he is heading in another.

Told MIL about incident where DD out on the street alone....her reaction was not what I expected, but may explain some things...."Oh, DH's name, has always had sleeping issues". Yes, he was asleep on the couch and not minding our 1 year old. To me, unforgivable, but apparently excuses have been made for him all his life. I never thought it would be this hard to make what so obviously is the right decision to everyone else. Can't seem to get my head straight

[Unnamed poster 6]

You are worth more than that. Life is too short get rid of him.

I have to agree.
Nobody deserves to be treated like this. What the f. Your one year old walking around by themselves? Not getting children ready? Bottles? Sexting other people??? He's in a relationship with you! That is cheating, a betrayal of trust.

What's your bottom line? Where your respect, what you need for yourself? Fuck me, what if someone was treating your daughter like this?
Sorry, but he's an adult, he can sleep on a park bench. I'd get this waste of space out of making your life a misery and endangering your children. This is genuinely how I feel.

[Unnamed poster 6]

And by the way Piri, I have been there. I was never hit (in fact my ex makes a big deal of stating how he never had an affair or hit me but I still threw him out), but I was worn down from the way I was treated. I had two young children. I couldn't imagine what I was going to do. Everything was my fault, he couldn't be expected to do X, didn't look after the children, controlled my every move, had to have sex whenever he wanted, was the butt of his every joke.
I literally hit rock bottom one day when I was up early. My uncle rang me to help him with something and he needed a laptop and a dongle (older man, wanted to set up internet banking). I got the children ready to go out to him, got the laptop and dongle. Ex, who was in bed as he was every day, ran out screaming as I was putting my youngest in the car. Where was I going with the dongle. I paid all the bills, even though he worked, he never contributed anything. I explained what I was doing. He went ballistic.
I told him i was going to tell my uncle why I couldn't bring the dongle. Of course, because he wanted everyone to love him, he backed down. I then told him I had enough, by that evening he was to have a bag packed and gone. Not my problem where. It wasn't THAT easy to get rid of him, as he demanded €1000 to pay for rent in advance. Luckily I had in my daughters' accounts. I knew that morning, if I didn't do something, I was going to go down a road of potential mental breakdown.
And you know what? He has managed fine. And every day since, despite the shit he has pulled, is 100% better than living my life with him.
You can do it.

[Starryeyedsurprise]

Piri, what is he bringing to the table? How long are you married? Has his behaviour drastically changed overnight?

[HeyJude]

If someone else told you this you would tell them to finish this relationship. He obviously has a drinking problem. He's not taking care of your children properly (dangerously actually) and he is obviously involved with at least one other woman. Have you someone to speak to irl that can help you to get it sorted. The part about not taking care of the kids is what would send me over the edge. You need to end this now.

[PiriPiri]

We have been married for 10 years, together longer. 5 years ago we moved to be closer to my family. My mother died very suddenly and I slipped in to a depression. Moving closer to home was the only way I could see that I would survive. Knew this was a big step to take. DH didn't speak the language. He has no education, he didn't even finish school, but has been able to work his way up through the ranks within the IT industry. He had a good job where we were.

Since we moved he has been unable to find work. Education is super important here and work experience does not carry the same weight. I quickly found a job that made it possible for us to get a place to live. DH still gets a small income from renting out our house in Ireland. He has tried to learn the language, but finds it difficult. He feels inadequate for not working, for not supporting us financially, but we get by on my salary. Our margins are tight and an additional salary would be fantastic, but have always tried to say that it is our money, not mine. He says he feels lonely, but when I say go out and find a hobby, make some friends, he says all he wants is to spend more time with me. I have made an effort to get myself involved in things outside work, to not have to feel so reliant on DH. I have given up some of my activities to try to save our marriage and spend more time with him. Now it feels like he's used me as a watchdog....whenever I am around he is able to not sext, but when I go to bed, his night time activities resume.

I don't feel like a partner. I feel like a prisoner and a guard at the same time. I try to shelter my children the best I can, but they come to me with their worries and concerns. The biggest one now is if we are going to get divorced. I have said I can't promise that we won't. He has said that he will never divorce me, thus shifting the blame on to me if we do. I feel like I have 4 children and the oldest one is by far the most difficult one to manage! He has changed. I always took more responsibility for the children, but never minded. They're fantastic and I love them! I know he's trying to change, but not hard enough. At least not for me. I confronted him about his latest sexting conversations and asked if he wanted to tell me something. His response was no, not right now. Then a few minutes later, a half-hearted sorry. Nearly like he is two different people. One in counselling who accepts responsibility (it's like he wants to impress the counsellor with how good he is), and then one at home, who continues to lie and deceive me.

[Unnamed poster 6]

So in five years he has been unable to find work? Any work? What has he done to change this? You say he's trying to change, but how?

[Starryeyedsurprise]

He has a job now. A stay at home Dad. You earn enough for you both to get by. You shouldn't have to fork out for a creche when there is a parent at home. Plenty of men do it. It is a serious issue if you feel you cannot trust your children's father to look after them.

[KikkiD]

So in five years he has been unable to find work? Any work? What has he done to change this? You say he's trying to change, but how?

Not sure what area of IT he's in or where you are based (I'm guessing outside Ireland) but a lot of IT jobs can be done online now (software testing/support/programming/etc) so really there is no excuse for him unless he's in a very specialised area. Could he not have done retraining in the last five years or taken language lessons?

[Tinky]

He has a job now. A stay at home Dad. You earn enough for you both to get by. You shouldn't have to fork out for a creche when there is a parent at home. Plenty of men do it. It is a serious issue if you feel you cannot trust your children's father to look after them.

Maybe it is Montessori/playschool not a full time creche as such.

[Starryeyedsurprise]

He has a job now. A stay at home Dad. You earn enough for you both to get by. You shouldn't have to fork out for a creche when there is a parent at home. Plenty of men do it. It is a serious issue if you feel you cannot trust your children's father to look after them.

Maybe it is Montessori/playschool not a full time creche as such.

OP's youngest is 1. She said in original post that she is in creche from 9am - 2pm.

[Tinky]

Ah I see, then yes there is no need for creche. Wouldn't have minded this myself though when I was a SAHP:)

[Starryeyedsurprise]

Ah I see, then yes there is no need for creche. Wouldn't have minded this myself though when I was a SAHP:)

LOL, me too. Would save the OP a fortune (assuming the cost is similar to here) and take the pressure of them.

[Penny]

Child might be in the creche as she doesn't trust her DH to mind the child. I know I would rather pay the money than wonder if my child was safe with their dad.

[Darva]

He really is manipulating you. You are not to blame for a separation. His behavior is making it impossible for you to stay together/