Am I naive or over-reacting? Doubting myself

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Scorpio
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Re: Am I naive or over-reacting? Doubting myself

#16 Post by Scorpio »

I agree with all that has been said. You deserve better.

There is absolutely zero point in him going to counselling if all he is doing is paying lip service to it. He either commits to trying to make the relationship work, and engaging completely with the counselling process or there is no point in doing it.
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Re: Am I naive or over-reacting? Doubting myself

#17 Post by CockChoker »

From what you have posted there's nothing positive that he's contributing to your life, quite the opposite. When someone tells you who they are believe them, he's not going to change, he doesn't even want to.

Personally I could never live with someone like that. It might be no harm to get his behaviour especially about him putting your little one in danger and his drinking, repeatedly not getting the other children up in time for school or breakfast on record with your GP in case things get messy if you decide to separate and things get messy.
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Re: Am I naive or over-reacting? Doubting myself

#18 Post by PiriPiri »

Thanks for all the replies. All of your replies is what my gut feeling is telling me. Get out. Scared of having to give up the children half-time though. At least when we're under the same roof I can control what happens to a certain extent, but then DH berates me for my controlling behaviour. He loves the children, but it is on his terms. He has never once cut their nails, he doesn't know what medication they take...he'll play with the older two (which, granted, I am terrible at). He says he don't do all these things because I need to have them done in a certain way, but really....how many ways can you cut a child's fingernails?

I do feel though that if I were allowed to have the children all the time without him in my life, yes, my life would be easier. Practicalities, such as collections and drop-offs etc. might be more difficult, but at least one less person to worry about. Then I doubt myself and think that I am too harsh on him. He's had it tough with the move....he's not so good at speaking the language which makes it hard for him to get a job. Lonely and depressed leads to drinking....and I haven't been there to support enough. Just felt like there was enough on my plate and that he is an adult after all.

In counselling he is completely reasonable and admits to doing wrong....has a bunch of reasons as to why, of course. Mainly I am at fault for not seeing him...for not wanting him...for not loving him enough.
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Re: Am I naive or over-reacting? Doubting myself

#19 Post by KikkiD »

Lady Madonna wrote:doesn't he have the life! sexting like a teenager and drinking to his heart's content with little or no regard for his wife and children and no job while you work full time and have all the worry about the house, the finances, the children and your marriage. He sounds selfish, he sounds like he has either left the marriage already or he dips in and out of it when it suits him.

it's never easy to just walk out or ask someone else to leave but what I would recommend is that you start getting things in order and think about what you want. do you want him to move out? you already tried counselling and now you're back to square one.

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This, word for word. He's acting like a spoilt teenager!
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Re: Am I naive or over-reacting? Doubting myself

#20 Post by November »

PiriPiri wrote:Thanks for all the replies. All of your replies is what my gut feeling is telling me. Get out. Scared of having to give up the children half-time though. At least when we're under the same roof I can control what happens to a certain extent, but then DH berates me for my controlling behaviour. He loves the children, but it is on his terms. He has never once cut their nails, he doesn't know what medication they take...he'll play with the older two (which, granted, I am terrible at). He says he don't do all these things because I need to have them done in a certain way, but really....how many ways can you cut a child's fingernails?

I do feel though that if I were allowed to have the children all the time without him in my life, yes, my life would be easier. Practicalities, such as collections and drop-offs etc. might be more difficult, but at least one less person to worry about. Then I doubt myself and think that I am too harsh on him. He's had it tough with the move....he's not so good at speaking the language which makes it hard for him to get a job. Lonely and depressed leads to drinking....and I haven't been there to support enough. Just felt like there was enough on my plate and that he is an adult after all.

In counselling he is completely reasonable and admits to doing wrong....has a bunch of reasons as to why, of course. Mainly I am at fault for not seeing him...for not wanting him...for not loving him enough.
Don't doubt yourself. You are not too harsh on him. In fact you are not harsh enough.

If he really loved his children he would take care of them properly, never mind cutting their nails, he would get out of bed to feed them and bring them to school and not let them wander outside where they might get killed by a car. By the sounds of him he wouldn't want to have the children half of the time and if he has an alcohol problem and is being dangerously neglectful you won't be forced to let him have access for half the time by any court. Keep a record of everything.

If he has depression, is he dealing with it in any way. He is taking no steps towards making this relationship work.

How dare he discuss your body with another woman. He does not care about anyone but himself. Time for you to start putting yourself first in this relationship. You and your children will be happier for it. Don't think that they can't see the problems too.
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Re: Am I naive or over-reacting? Doubting myself

#21 Post by Angel »

Wow he has really done a number on you that you are even questioning whether to stay with him
Or not. He has NO respect for you. You are the mother of his children and this is what he is doing? Pack his bag and get rid of him and let him worry about where he is going to sleep. Send him off to the “friend”. You are worth so much much more than that. This is so far from normal but you are normalising it to yourself. But it isn’t normal at all. Not one bit.
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Re: Am I naive or over-reacting? Doubting myself

#22 Post by Milis »

I can understand your worry about having to share custody with a man like that, and I would say make sure you get good legal advice on how to move forward with that. I think visitation or supervised visits would be a possibility that you should explore in the circumstances, I know someone who has fears for her child and the judge saw through the nonsense of her ex and allows supervised access only.

I don’t think fears over sharing custody with someone should keep you with him, it should be a sign to you that you need to run for the hills.
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Re: Am I naive or over-reacting? Doubting myself

#23 Post by Unnamed poster 7 »

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Re: Am I naive or over-reacting? Doubting myself

#24 Post by Angel »

Neither has mine it’s disgusting
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Re: Am I naive or over-reacting? Doubting myself

#25 Post by Busybee »

Imagine a friend of yours confided in you what you have confided in us. There sounds like there is a multitude of problems here. YOu have given him a year of counselling etc and he's hiding his drinking, not looking after children properly and also sexting! It would be a total no for me. If you don't have trust you have nothing in my opinion.
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Re: Am I naive or over-reacting? Doubting myself

#26 Post by dutchie »

Is this a pisstake or what??!!
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Re: Am I naive or over-reacting? Doubting myself

#27 Post by Moto Moto »

dutchie wrote:Is this a pisstake or what??!!
Lovely reply . Obviously you have never been in a psychologically abusive relationship. You do not have to be hit to be abused . I know when I was in a in one I could not see just how bad it was and was . Many here will remember when posting numerous threads on MM doubting if behavior was normal etc and was I being irrational. Now when I look back I realize how eroded I was that I could not tell what was normal . I ended up with ptsd and on anti anxiety meds for 2 years and memory loss . Thankfully with counseling and time and getting away from that I now know how some like the op can not see how bad things actually are .

Lucky for you most likely you will never be in this situation good for you .


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Re: Am I naive or over-reacting? Doubting myself

#28 Post by dutchie »

If its a genuine post then I truly am so very sorry and yes you are right Moto Moto I have never and hope I will never ever find myself in PiriPiri's position. Wishing you good luck
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Re: Am I naive or over-reacting? Doubting myself

#29 Post by Moto Moto »

dutchie wrote:If its a genuine post then I truly am so very sorry and yes you are right Moto Moto I have never and hope I will never ever find myself in PiriPiri's position. Wishing you good luck
And I do acknowledge it’s hard to believe also . When I look back at what I accepted or thought was ok I know see how completely irrational it was . Fair play and coming back and replying and I like you do hope it’s real etc as people are giving good advice etc to the op . I remember on MM someone questioned me on if my post was real etc it was one of my anonymous posts so I can see how it may be unbelievable etc


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Re: Am I naive or over-reacting? Doubting myself

#30 Post by Tinky »

Wishing you well. I was thinking about this and wonder if you would tolerate the neglect of your children by another family member or a childminder - I know it's not black and white when he is your H but I agree with the others that he really shouldn't be their carer if he acts like you describe and is quite possibly under the influence of alcohol.
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