Am I naive or over-reacting? Doubting myself

[PiriPiri]

Sorry about long post...

DH and myself having problems for a while. Went through a tough pregnancy with our youngest and because of aches and pains lost interest in sex. Went through an emergency caesarean and had a wonderful little DD. About 6 weeks after her birth I notice that DH is guarding his phone, changing his PIN, receiving lots of texts. Check his mobile (know this is a no-no) and turns out he's sexting with an old friend of his. We have moved to a new area far away from his friends and family, so know he's feeling lonely (especially when I am now so busy with newborn DD). This old friend turns out not to live so far from us and find out that they have met. When I confront him he continues to lie about it.

This leads to an ultimatum. Tell him to get us in to counselling or we're done. He does and finishes with old friend. Fast forward a year. Counselling has been good, but I find it difficult to trust him still. Not only the lies, but also other incidents....(finding vodka bottles hid all over the house, our now 1-year old DD is found by our neighbours walking around in the street on her own when I am not home, bigger children not being woken to school on time or given breakfast when I am not there, hidden bills etc.) I manage everything in the household and now back working full time. Youngest DD only allowed in crèche between 9 and 2 due to DH being unemployed. Gives me enormous anxiety to not know whether she is ok while I am in work. Then last night I find out he's chatting with another old friend. Old suspicions rise and I check his mobile. He's telling this old friend how I kicked him out last year and he slept in a park. Blatant lie. Sending photos of a chocolate finger saying "Fancy a finger?" or texts like "It'll never happen probably, but I'd love to lick you. I mean really lick you and feel you on me". They talk about me and the size of my chest. She sends dirty videos featuring herself and other people.

Know I shouldn't check his mobile, but feel like I have reason to worry. He says it is just flirting and should be ok. My gut feeling is that it is lying to me and belittling me. Am I wrong? Am I over-reacting? If I do leave him, he has nowhere to go. If I do leave him, I worry about the children not being taken care of while with him. Should I stay and hope that another year of counselling will change things? Am I just being naïve?

Questioning everything I am feeling at the moment and don't know what is right. Thought we were headed in the right direction, now not so sure.

[January]

Sorry to be blunt but yes I think you're just being naive. You've given him a year and counselling to try to change and he hasn't. He isn't looking after your children properly while you're at work (why does your DD have to go to creche if he's at home?) and you constantly worry about them, you shouldn't have to! And he's texting another woman and telling you it's fine for him to flirt?

You need out and don't worry about how he survives without you, he will.

[molls]

Imagine a friend of yours told you this exact story - you wouldn't think she was over-reacting. You'd be telling her to get rid of him ASAP both for the sake of the children's safety and for herself.

[tea]

He is lying- and even if he wasn't and its just a bit of "craic"- sending someone those messages is utterly inappropriate when you are in a relationship... and as for the videos!! Only flirting?! That isn't harmless flirting- he's married!
He doesn't sound like he is doing a good job of parenting the kids, and may have a booze issue. I think that you'd be better off separating from him- he is contributing nothing and causing you a whole lot of stress.
You'd be less stressed and have just as much responsibility as you do now if you weren't together. The fact that he has nowhere to go is his issue. Let his old pal take him in!

[RDR]

Flirting? Are you kidding? Flirting and sexually propositioning someone are NOT the same thing. That's before you get into why your husband would be flirting with someone and expecting you to be ok with it.

Add to that you have concerns about his drinking, lying and the big one ... the care and safety of your children.

From what you've described I personally wouldn't give a rat's ass if he ended up sleeping on a park bench. From what you are describing he contributes nothing to your life. Total deadweight. Generally speaking I'm all for giving relationships a chance. But in this case it sounds like you did already and he has learned precisely nothing and changed the same amount.

And stop apologising for checking his phone.

[CLBG]

I don't even know where to start.. the absolute blatant disrespect he is showing you and your marriage. And your 1yo dd being out on the street on her own - where was he?? It feels like he has worn you down to a point where you feel this behaviour is possibly ok, and made you somehow believe you are contributing to the situation (for not wanting sex when you have a newborn?) - when neither is true. Are you still in counselling or has that finished? If he is still hiding things from you, like alcohol, bills etc and treating you this way, you are right to not trust him. Do not doubt yourself. It's worth saying twice - do not doubt yourself. Trust your instincts. Hope you are ok. It's very difficult trying to manage everything, a full time job and worrying about whether or not your children are ok. It sounds like he is contributing nothing to your life and you would most likely be happier & more at peace without him. Sorry to be so blunt.

[janeymac]

I think your husband has done a job on destroying your self confidence notwithstanding you've been to counselling also.
To carry on this behaviour and brazenly tell you it's ok-that it's only flirting is just incredible given your history. And that you're feeling guilty for checking his phone!
From what you've posted here, it's hard to see how your husband acts like a partner in any area of your life. Even aside from your own relationship, he can't be trusted with your children.
You are definitely not overreacting. I think the behaviour from your husband is appalling and most people would think the same.
I hope you have some support of trusted family or friends with whom you can be honest and who can advise you.

[Lady Madonna]

doesn't he have the life! sexting like a teenager and drinking to his heart's content with little or no regard for his wife and children and no job while you work full time and have all the worry about the house, the finances, the children and your marriage. He sounds selfish, he sounds like he has either left the marriage already or he dips in and out of it when it suits him.

it's never easy to just walk out or ask someone else to leave but what I would recommend is that you start getting things in order and think about what you want. do you want him to move out? you already tried counselling and now you're back to square one.

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[November]

No you are not over reacting.

He obviously has alcohol issues but it is quite obvious even aside from that that he only cares about himself. Who care's if he has no where to go. Why doesn't he have a job? You can't trust him to mind your children. I wouldn't stay with him just because you are worried about him having access to the children if you split up. Chances are, by the sound of how little he cares now, he won't be too bothered about seeing them.

He is treating you and your children horribly and no-one deserves to be treated like that. There's no way you should trust him. Your life would be immeasurably less stressful if you didn't have to worry about him being a neglectful parent, lying, selfish alcoholic. Your child could have been killed because of him.

Counselling is pointless at this stage. He is just lying so it is no use to you. I would stop trying to save your marriage and separate from him if I were you.

[Jazzberry]

You are worth more than that. Life is too short get rid of him.

[Starryeyedsurprise]

You are not overreacting OP. Your husband is behaving appallingly. He is not flirting. He is having an online sexual relationship with his "friend".

They talk about me and the size of my chest.

Above is extremely disrespectful

There are so many red flags in your post. Why is he not minding the children if he is not working? You seem to be anxious about leaving them in his care. You have an awful lot in your favour OP. You are earning your own salary. I really wouldn't give a toss where he ends up to be honest.

You appear to be (and I apologise if I am wrong) manipulated into believing you are at fault here. You are not. I would organise counselling for yourself asap. Do you have EAP in your workplace? I found this invaluable in the past.

[Washable matt]

If your imaginary adult daughter confided this in you what would you tell her to do?
Never accept for yourself, what you would find unacceptable for somebody else.

[Muggins]

To be honest i'd say flirting is the least of the problems, not being able to trust that my kids were safe with their father would be the end for me.

[femalevictormeldrew1]

Sorry to be blunt but out the door with the good for nothing bastard. You will never be sorry I promise you that now.

[Capricorn]

To be honest i'd say flirting is the least of the problems, not being able to trust that my kids were safe with their father would be the end for me.

This for me aswell. Sexting and the online affairs would be the least of my worries.

If my husband couldn’t manage to keep my kids alive, he’d be gone.