Hi, I realize the adoption forum has very little traffic here. Also wanted to go anon. If you were adopted & you have met your birth parent/s did it go ok for you? I understand it can be a massive can of worms. But perhaps sometimes cans of worms need to be opened. I know I’m scant on details but try to get my head around loads of stuff right now.
Thanks already
Adoption
Re: Adoption
Hi there. I am adopted & have had recent contact with my birth mother. I haven't met her yet, we are still at the stage of letters back and forth for a little over a year now. It has been going really well so far but it has been enormously emotional & brought up issues that I never even knew existed. I have always been very open about adoption & my history but I was totally unprepared for the effect that all of it would have on me. I would say absolutely go for it, I am enriched by the experience but do make sure you have supportive people around you. I joined an excellent Facebook group called the Adoption Rights Alliance & it has been a godsend. With all the will in the world, even my very understanding DH & friends do not know exactly the feelings that being an adoptee can induce. Be prepared for negative feelings as well as positive ones. One thing I found very interesting was that I've never in my life felt anger about being adopted until all of this started. I am not angry at my BM at all but I got angry at the society & all the factors that led her to have to make the decision she did. We are both prepared and willing to meet as soon as we are ready. We have found the letters have been excellent in terms of dealing with the hard stuff and the personal stuff so it should leave us a little freer to chat when we do meet.
The other thing is of course to prepare yourself for the not so good outcomes where they may not be alive or may not want contact or can't be found. A long time ago when I first initiated a search, I had a series of counselling sessions to prepare me for this kind of thing but I am not sure that is something they do any more.
I am also lucky that my Mum has been amazing and supportive & I can discuss it all with her. She's read my BM's letters & even sent her a message herself through my letters. My Dad, while happy for me, prefers not to talk about it but has looked at her photos & things.
On the plus side, I now know so much about myself that I never knew. I am very lucky in that my BM is very cooperative, honest & has answered everything I've asked her, even though it has been very difficult for her. I know my birth name, my birth details, all about my birth family, my half-siblings. It's amazing how little details like I was 10 days overdue can mean so much. To have pictures of my BM and see the massive resemblance, it's wonderful. The latest revelation for me is that she gave me my birth father's name which really threw for me six. I have resisted doing anything with that information just yet but the feeling of a jigsaw clicking into place has been amazing.
Sorry for the essay! If you have any questions, please ask or PM if you prefer. Good luck!
The other thing is of course to prepare yourself for the not so good outcomes where they may not be alive or may not want contact or can't be found. A long time ago when I first initiated a search, I had a series of counselling sessions to prepare me for this kind of thing but I am not sure that is something they do any more.
I am also lucky that my Mum has been amazing and supportive & I can discuss it all with her. She's read my BM's letters & even sent her a message herself through my letters. My Dad, while happy for me, prefers not to talk about it but has looked at her photos & things.
On the plus side, I now know so much about myself that I never knew. I am very lucky in that my BM is very cooperative, honest & has answered everything I've asked her, even though it has been very difficult for her. I know my birth name, my birth details, all about my birth family, my half-siblings. It's amazing how little details like I was 10 days overdue can mean so much. To have pictures of my BM and see the massive resemblance, it's wonderful. The latest revelation for me is that she gave me my birth father's name which really threw for me six. I have resisted doing anything with that information just yet but the feeling of a jigsaw clicking into place has been amazing.
Sorry for the essay! If you have any questions, please ask or PM if you prefer. Good luck!
The Boy is 16!!
The Small Girl is 12
The Smallest Girl is 8
The Small Girl is 12
The Smallest Girl is 8
Re: Adoption
I'm not adopted but my sister is. I second Gerbera's opinion of Adoption Rights Alliance - fantastic group of people, very supportive and informative.
In my case, I searched for and found my sister. We have the same father. My dad had died by the time I found her. I had also traced her bmother before I found her. In our case, i introduced them to each other - via Barnardos. i provided Barnardos with the info and they took it from there. It didn't go well. They met once and that was it. Her bmum never told anyone and still feels she'd have too much to lose if it all came out now. My sister says she doesn't resent her bmother and is glad they met. She was able to fill in some blanks for her, as was I. At this stage, we are happy we have each other. My mum is ok with it all. My brother seems ok too but keeps his distance.
I think my sister is surprised to find herself upset at recent happenings re adoptions in Ireland. She was one of the illegal adoptees - date of birth changed, registered as having been born to her adoptive parents - and she never gave it much thought until she started to realize how many people were involved. She's angry at the state. She's not angry at her birth parents - figures it was the times back then. I have to say she's a more forgiving and accepting person than I would be. I always thought I took after my dad but realize that in this respect, she does and I take after my mum!
Good luck with it all. It sounds like you are taking it nice and easy. It's a roller coaster for sure but how could it not be?
Best,
B
In my case, I searched for and found my sister. We have the same father. My dad had died by the time I found her. I had also traced her bmother before I found her. In our case, i introduced them to each other - via Barnardos. i provided Barnardos with the info and they took it from there. It didn't go well. They met once and that was it. Her bmum never told anyone and still feels she'd have too much to lose if it all came out now. My sister says she doesn't resent her bmother and is glad they met. She was able to fill in some blanks for her, as was I. At this stage, we are happy we have each other. My mum is ok with it all. My brother seems ok too but keeps his distance.
I think my sister is surprised to find herself upset at recent happenings re adoptions in Ireland. She was one of the illegal adoptees - date of birth changed, registered as having been born to her adoptive parents - and she never gave it much thought until she started to realize how many people were involved. She's angry at the state. She's not angry at her birth parents - figures it was the times back then. I have to say she's a more forgiving and accepting person than I would be. I always thought I took after my dad but realize that in this respect, she does and I take after my mum!
Good luck with it all. It sounds like you are taking it nice and easy. It's a roller coaster for sure but how could it not be?
Best,
B