Husband lying about his salary

[Anon]

Regular gone anon.

Things have deteriorated in our marriage over the past 18months or so. He has been a nightmare to live with. Constant mood swings and I feel I'm walking on eggshells. On my days off, he's constantly fighting with me, seeing what I bought while shopping, etc....giving out if I drive a few miles as he's complaining about fuel costs.

I work 30 hours per week. A very long commute and we have 3 children. He is constantly asking me to go full time in work. It's not that easy as the hours aren't there and I don't want to leave my job as I like were I am. I also suffer with a chronic long term illness which impacts on me hugely.

I came across his contract of employment today. It transpires his salary is substantially LESS than he has lead me to believe. We do not have a joint account. He pays mortgage, Electricty, I pay for groceries, kids school stuff and anything they need.

I haven't brought it up yet. He not home until later tonight.

This explains everything. His flaring up over money, etc. This is the final straw for me to be honest. Just don't know what to do.

[Grasscutter]

It’s so not fair that you’ve been lied to like this but I can’t help feeling sorry for your husband even well as you. That lie I would guess is down to a very deep feeling of inadequacy. I would see that as the real problem not the lack of money. He will most likely flare up at the discovery of his lie. But I hope he doesn’t. I hope he gets the help he needs to deal with his feelings of inadequacy and that you can move forward together. I think a joint account with you keeping a close eye on incomings and outgoings would be important though. You need complete honesty about money in any marriage.

[StarryNight]

Is money short? Do you know he's spending his money on what he says he is? Do you have access to his accounts to check what your joint financial situation is?

[RedHen]

That's odd that he would lead you to believe he was earning more. Is it a fairly new job? Or would he have been on the salary you thought but had a pay cut that he didn't want to mention?

People can get defensive when caught out so be prepared for him to try to attack you for snooping or something like that before the proper conversation takes place.

It sounds like you have enough on your plate with 30 hours a week, commuting, three children and an illness. Maybe he should consider looking around for something that pays better himself?

[KikkiD]

Possibly if its his original contract of employment he may have had a few pay rises since. However it does seem like he's worried about money. Can you sit down and have a conversation with regards to getting more income (as opposed to saying you found the contract and confront him which will cause issues). Can he can apply for a pay rise or he can study to progress further where he is? It doesn't seem fair that you should have to go full time. Its a really expensive time of year with uniforms, books, shoes, school fees, travel fees etc. Is this where he's coming from or do you think it is something else?

[Anon]

Thanks all. He is in the same job for 15 years. His salary was cut during the recession but by a lot more than he said.

We have always struggled financially but I try not to dwell on it. We have a big mortgage which eats s huge chunk of our salaries.

I think the fact that rather than admit he's struggling, he's taking it out on me. I cannot fathom how I can manage to work more than I am already. But I may have to.

Feel I'm at the end of my tether with him to be honest

[Unnamed poster 6]

God you have a lot going on. I'm really sorry.
To me the lying is another example of a lack of respect for you, added to the demanding behaviour. How are you coping with this? Do you have someone to chat to? Pleases don't carry this alone. Please talk to someone.
Do not change your job. 30 is full time.
Your husband being worried or under stressed is no excuse to treat you like crap.

[lois Griffin]

did your dh move jobs at the time his mood swings started?

Could he possibly have taken a less senior role and a lower salary to try and reduce his levels of stress?

I can understand him being stressed about money if he is now earning less. He demanding behaviour all centre around money, which in light of your new found knowledge on his salary, may explain his reactions a little. However, his behaviour and lying wouldn't have been at all necessary if he had been upfront with you.

With regard to the lying about his salary, maybe he didn't tell you out of pride or could he have been afraid of your reaction. Has he lied about money before now?

I know depression getting thrown out there a lot but could he be depressed or suffering from work related stress. Is it possible that he tried to solve work stress but then created more stress from worrying about money?

On the working full time issue, if his salary and your current salary aren't sufficent, then you should consider going full time. With all due respect to the poster to said 30 hours is full time, its not, its a 4 day week. An additional 20% increase in gross income should make a difference to your overall household income even after tax.

[Unnamed poster 6]

30 hours per week with family duties and a chronic health condition is full time to me. I work " full time" and it's 35 hours- 30 is not far off that.
Op is subject to a lot of controlling behaviour from her partner- she says she likes her job. I would worry that this change her job mantra is quite controlling also and wouldn't want OP to make a decision like that in what is a stressful time in her life. For perhaps not the right reasons for her. Why is her husband pushing her to change, not him?
OP can you talk to anyone in real life?

[anon]

Thanks all. My husband has never been what you would call a go getter, ambitious. Warning bells were they when we married but like an idiot, I ignored them.

About 15 years ago, he re-trained for his current role. A job with great job satisfaction but with a low salary. He was miserable in his previous role. 15 years ago, this was ok as I was the main earner. 15 years on, we have 3 kids and 2 years ago, I was diagnosed with a chronic auto immune disease, which is physically and mentally exhausting so our situation has changed drastically.

I did speak with him last night and he apologised for lying but remains adamant I should be bringing more money in. He never takes responsibility for anything so am lucky to receive an apology!!!

Think I'm just tired of everything in our marriage to be honest.

[Unnamed poster 6]

Why is everything up to just you?

[Tinky]

Are you satisfied in your job? Do you enjoy it and want to do more? I'm delighted for your DH that he's found a role that he loves albeit at a financial cost, not many have that financial option especially with children and a mortgage. He should be counting his blessings everyday that with your condition you are still able to work 80% hours and he doesn't have to go back to something he hates or even take on a 2nd job.

Can you sit down together and thoroughly cut your cloth based on *accurate* amounts coming in?

[Guest]

Why is everything up to just you?

It has always been this way.

I have made a conscious effort in a lot of ways to change things and things have improved but I still feel the burden is on my shoulders. Finances, kids, etc.

[PHILLIPA]

OP make sure you are getting any illness allowances you could be entitled to - you can work and claim disability allowance/ partial capacity benefit etc might help x

[StarryNight]

Finances are a joint affair. You need to have an honest conversation about your family income and outgoings. You need to decide whether the plan is to earn more or spend less and how to make that work.
I am the lower earner and crap with money but since we got married I've made myself more financially literate. Does your husband leave all financial decisions up to you?