How would you deal with this?

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Magpie
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Re: How would you deal with this?

#31 Post by Magpie »

3dollys wrote:And this thing of " I'd like to know". So what? Your need to Know something as a parent doesn't trump everything else. Sometimes you have to know when to respect boundaries and treat them as adults and people and not just "my child".
If your 18yo was going out with a drug dealer, would you not want to know? I get what you are saying that we have to treat them as adults but as I said earlier they just don't become adults overnight by turning 18 and I would certainly like to know so I could try and help my son or daughter to see that the situation they are in might very well be a dangerous one.

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Re: How would you deal with this?

#32 Post by felicity »

Magpie wrote:
3dollys wrote:And this thing of " I'd like to know". So what? Your need to Know something as a parent doesn't trump everything else. Sometimes you have to know when to respect boundaries and treat them as adults and people and not just "my child".
If your 18yo was going out with a drug dealer, would you not want to know? I get what you are saying that we have to treat them as adults but as I said earlier they just don't become adults overnight by turning 18 and I would certainly like to know so I could try and help my son or daughter to see that the situation they are in might very well be a dangerous one.
Do you not think that your 18 year old son or daughter should be able to see that themselves? If my DD has gotten to 18 and doesn't know the dangers of drug taking then I would feel that I had failed at a big part of parenting.Thing about being 18 is you presume you are invincible.

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Re: How would you deal with this?

#33 Post by Iamsoneedy »

Magpie wrote:
3dollys wrote:And this thing of " I'd like to know". So what? Your need to Know something as a parent doesn't trump everything else. Sometimes you have to know when to respect boundaries and treat them as adults and people and not just "my child".
If your 18yo was going out with a drug dealer, would you not want to know? I get what you are saying that we have to treat them as adults but as I said earlier they just don't become adults overnight by turning 18 and I would certainly like to know so I could try and help my son or daughter to see that the situation they are in might very well be a dangerous one.
I imagine most people, if they haven’t led a totally sheltered life, have been offered drugs. Doesn’t mean you have to take them. The OP has said her daughter’s friend is casually seeing a guy who is selling a few tabs at a festival. It doesn’t mean she’s destined for a life as a Kinahan moll or something. Drugs are everywhere. Talk to your kids about the dangers and that’s all you can do.

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Re: How would you deal with this?

#34 Post by Unnamed poster 7 »

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Re: How would you deal with this?

#35 Post by ali »

Shes not an adult, she is still at school, she starts taking drugs this year her whole career path is ruined, her leaving cert is ruined. Yes I would keep quiet if the girl had finished school and was independently finding her way in life, but this is a school girl, I would tell her parents, god would be horrified and saddened if none of my daughters friends parents did not look out for her.

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Re: How would you deal with this?

#36 Post by Magpie »

felicity wrote:
Magpie wrote:
3dollys wrote:And this thing of " I'd like to know". So what? Your need to Know something as a parent doesn't trump everything else. Sometimes you have to know when to respect boundaries and treat them as adults and people and not just "my child".
If your 18yo was going out with a drug dealer, would you not want to know? I get what you are saying that we have to treat them as adults but as I said earlier they just don't become adults overnight by turning 18 and I would certainly like to know so I could try and help my son or daughter to see that the situation they are in might very well be a dangerous one.
Do you not think that your 18 year old son or daughter should be able to see that themselves? If my DD has gotten to 18 and doesn't know the dangers of drug taking then I would feel that I had failed at a big part of parenting.Thing about being 18 is you presume you are invincible.
Of course my 18yo and my 15yo know the dangers of drug taking, we talk about it all the time. However I'm not so sure they would be equipped to deal with the "love interest" angle, as you say they think they are invincible and also think they know it all :rolleyes: I just wouldn't be happy leaving them to try to navigate it alone.

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Re: How would you deal with this?

#37 Post by Primrose »

felicity wrote:
Magpie wrote:
3dollys wrote:And this thing of " I'd like to know". So what? Your need to Know something as a parent doesn't trump everything else. Sometimes you have to know when to respect boundaries and treat them as adults and people and not just "my child".
If your 18yo was going out with a drug dealer, would you not want to know? I get what you are saying that we have to treat them as adults but as I said earlier they just don't become adults overnight by turning 18 and I would certainly like to know so I could try and help my son or daughter to see that the situation they are in might very well be a dangerous one.
Do you not think that your 18 year old son or daughter should be able to see that themselves? If my DD has gotten to 18 and doesn't know the dangers of drug taking then I would feel that I had failed at a big part of parenting.Thing about being 18 is you presume you are invincible.
If my dd got to 18 and didn't know about the dangers of drugs I'd definitely feel I had failed, but I would also feel that I still have a responsibility to try to steer her in the right direction at that stage, even if she was an adult. My parents certainly expressed their opinions on my choices and decisions while I lived at home and they funded my education and supported me financially as a young adult and while it may have annoyed me at times, I don't think they were wrong to do it, nor do I think I wouldn't have a responsibility to do similar when my kids reach that age. At 18 you do not have the experience of life to see stuff an older person may be more aware of and while everyone has to make their own mistakes, there are some mistakes I think most of us would be keen to help steer our children (adult or not) away from if at all possible.

Treating someone as an adult does not mean you cannot have an opinion on what they are doing, and doesn't mean you shouldn't discuss your concerns with them, even if the final decision may rest with them as to whether to take your opinion on board.

Op if I was in this situation as the girls mum I would for sure want to know, and to have the opportunity to decide whether or not to bring it up with my daughter or not. But I recognise that sharing it might impact on your own relationship with your dd, and that the other parent may not be receptive.

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Re: How would you deal with this?

#38 Post by molson »

Sorry for not getting back before now, I haven't had a chance to talk to dd properly since as she has been at longitude, but I will have a good chat with her tomorrow and see what her feelings are. If she asks me to talk to her friend ( which I have done before on a different matter ) or her parents, then i will because my daughter isn't the type to make a big deal when there is no need. Equally if she doesn't want to me say anything I won't , but I will keep a close eye and hope it fizzles out- I know this girl since they were 3. I'm not going to tell my daughter not to be friendly with her , we have all made mistakes growing up its a learning curve and i think it's a time when she needs solid friends around. I have a very open and honest relationship with Dd and I need to make sure that continues so don't want to jeopardise that either.

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Re: How would you deal with this?

#39 Post by felicity »

I think at 18 they know right from wrong. The OP's DD's friend knows right from wrong and what her parents think is not going to matter to her if she is into this guy.
I have 3 adult children so know when my opinion will count and when it won't. In my experience,this is one of those times.
I have a close family member with a DD a similar age. She is seeing a guy at the moment who is controlling and manipulative and does take drug. Family and friends have all spoken to her about it and how wrong it is and it is not going in at all. In her words 'we just don't understand and she loves him'. She will have to figure this out herself.
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Re: How would you deal with this?

#40 Post by Unnamed poster 7 »

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Re: How would you deal with this?

#41 Post by Primrose »

felicity wrote:I think at 18 they know right from wrong. The OP's DD's friend knows right from wrong and what her parents think is not going to matter to her if she is into this guy.
I have 3 adult children so know when my opinion will count and when it won't. In my experience,this is one of those times.
I have a close family member with a DD a similar age. She is seeing a guy at the moment who is controlling and manipulative and does take drug. Family and friends have all spoken to her about it and how wrong it is and it is not going in at all. In her words 'we just don't understand and she loves him'. She will have to figure this out herself.
Genuine question not being smart but do you really think that even though someone may not, or is likely not to listen, that we shouldn’t even try? I get that she won’t listen in the example above but does that mean that no one should attempt to reach her? Just in case something might strike a chord or to let her know that family will be there for her if she needs them? Should she just be left off to it?

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Re: How would you deal with this?

#42 Post by Shivvy »

I have a 17yo who knows all the dangers of drugs as do all his friends. He in particular cannot take stimulant drugs as a result of a heart op he had as a toddler. He has come across drug use - not with close friends but with acquaintances & he has not used any.
If one of his friends was going out with a known drug dealer, I would ask him how concerned he is about this & if he thinks his friend would be pressured into taking drugs. If so I would chat to the friend & see do they need help.

I wouldnt go to the parent at the stage the OP is at. Drugs are everywhere. These girls are 18 & are adults, whether in school or college or working.

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Re: How would you deal with this?

#43 Post by felicity »

Primrose wrote:
felicity wrote:I think at 18 they know right from wrong. The OP's DD's friend knows right from wrong and what her parents think is not going to matter to her if she is into this guy.
I have 3 adult children so know when my opinion will count and when it won't. In my experience,this is one of those times.
I have a close family member with a DD a similar age. She is seeing a guy at the moment who is controlling and manipulative and does take drug. Family and friends have all spoken to her about it and how wrong it is and it is not going in at all. In her words 'we just don't understand and she loves him'. She will have to figure this out herself.
Genuine question not being smart but do you really think that even though someone may not, or is likely not to listen, that we shouldn’t even try? I get that she won’t listen in the example above but does that mean that no one should attempt to reach her? Just in case something might strike a chord or to let her know that family will be there for her if she needs them? Should she just be left off to it?
In the situation that the OP describes then I do think she should be left at it yes. She is 18,has not taken drugs so far. The only thing she has done is taken a shine to a guy who is a bit undesirable according to the OP. That is not something that I would interfere in. If my child has been brought up in the correct manner then they know that no matter how badly they may mess up then we will be there for them.

In the situation that I have outlined,the drugs that he is taking are the least of the worries.
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Re: How would you deal with this?

#44 Post by Primrose »

I mean in the example you’ve given Felicity, do you think no one should speak to your family members dd as she will not listen?

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Re: How would you deal with this?

#45 Post by felicity »

Primrose wrote:I mean in the example you’ve given Felicity, do you think no one should speak to your family members dd as she will not listen?

It is more serious now so people have tried speaking to her. Initially, no one did because she is an adult and can make decisions for herself.Going out with a guy who is not the best choice is something we have all done isn't it?Now that more things have come to light that actually are affecting her ,many people have tried but it is pointless.


IMO in the situation the OP has described, is not something that I think has anything to be gained by getting involved.The girl has been brought up well,knows right from wrong and obviously likes this guy. In my experience,people sticking their oar in at this stage will just get her back up.

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