Friendship becoming draining

[dilemma]

Reg gone anon. Sorry, it's a long one

I have been friends with Mary (not her real name!) for a long time. She was good friends with a group of 4 /5 ladies, who I got to know, nice girls, good fun. Two years ago, I grow quite close to the group too. I joined an activity which they are all involved in (mary isn't involved) I went through a personal trauma and they were there for me, along with Mary of course. I would see Mary a lot, the other group, not so much. However, about a year ago, Mary had a falling out with one of the girls in the other gang. Mary blew the whole thing out of proportion. Total over reaction. The other girl just wanted to let it blow over and move on but Mary didn't. Mary began refusing invites to various things these girls were hosting (40ths, kids debs, etc....).

Now, it looks like the other group have washed their hands of Mary. They told me they want to keep it civil but are sick of the drama. For example, there was a fund raiser a few weeks ago. Cycling, which I am involved in. Mary rang the girl she had an issue with on the morning of the event demanding to know why she wasn't invited....it was explained to her that she doesn't cycle and it wasn't intentional. This wasn't a one off....there have been a few incidents like this.

I am not taking sides. I like the other group and love Mary. I have made it clear. I received a text this morning to say she wants to meet up with the group and tell them all how their behaviour has hurt her. I gently (I felt) suggested that it wasn't a good idea and it would create more drama. Now, I'm accused of letting her down, etc......

I feel for her but am getting worn down with the drama myself if I'm honest.

[CLBG]

It's a difficult situation. It sounds like Mary has been a good friend to you for a long time, so I'd imagine it's important to preserve that. She seems to have been v hurt by whatever happened with the other group. If it will make her feel better to get it off her chest, that's her call. All you can do is try to stay out of it, as it doesn't involve you. She might need a bit of a wake-up call (they've been inviting her to things, she's been refusing, then getting upset if she's not invited to something) but I don't think that's yours to give. It does sound v wearing.
Has she ever been like that with you, or is it just this group?

[charliesangel]

You - Hi Mary. I don't know what went on between you and the activity group and I want to make clear to you that I'm not taking sides.
If you go and meet up with them and tell them how they have hurt your feelings, they really won't care so you'd be better off not doing that.
Again, I'm not taking sides. I understand you feel hurt. They don't appear interested in that.
So, going forwards, I have no problem in staying in touch with you, but you can't object to an activity group not including you because you don't take part in the activity.
Mary - Oh, ok.

or
Mary - WTF! I thought you were my friend. This friendship is over! (walks away in a huff)

I'm not sure which of those is more likely to happen.

[Muggins]

Are you expected to be involved in this meet up?
I'd make it clear that you're her friend but you're also friendly with the other girls and you'd rather not get involved in any of the issues.
If she's makes you choose then that makes you choose to avoid her imo.
Imo it's a difficult but necessary adult learning experience to realise that you can have friends in common with people you fall out with.
An ultimatum to choose a side should always mean that the one giving the ultimatum loses out, just my opinion!

[dilemma]

She has been that way with me, yes. Huffing if she wasn't invited to something but I tend to ignore it.

No, I'm not expected to meet up with her and other group. I told her to maybe, suggest a few drinks/keep it light kind of thing. The original incident was something very trivial but Mary blew it up out of all proportion and I don't blame the other girl for been pissed off tbh