He hit me

[salsa]

I could somehow ( at a stretch) imagine this being a grey area if he apologised. and apologised immediately and abundantly. that he says he doesn't remember makes it much easier imo - I don't and wouldn't accept any reason for him not remembering, other than he does remember and doesn't want to either own his action and / or apologise for it. the odds of this being some medical / mental or other "moment" that caused him to blank out that particular moment are miniscule at best. That this started because you were being blamed for some random thing going wrong in the house makes me think that he often blames you, and that what distinguishes this outburst from many others is that he hit you. that you are "numb" and not raging mad with him, with his bags packed already, suggests to me he has already worn you down a lot.

[lauramac]

You need to think long and hard at to which direction you go from here. If you decide that your marriage is over then you will get the support from us but it is a long and difficult road ahead of you. If you ask him to leave and that your marriage is over he might well refuse to leave the family home. Just because you ask him to leave doesnt mean he will. Be prepared for that.Have you got someone that you can go. Family , friends etc. Do you work etc. I would agree with the other posters that he does indeed remember that he hit you but is not prepared to admit it to you. That to me is sending alarm bells that he could chose to be l be difficult and things could get very ugly in the future.. To the posters that say that they would leave their marriage if their partners hit them I think that until you are in that situation then it is very easy to say that.



Only you can decide what you want. To save your marriage or to walk away.

[wuzziwig]

My ex always used his drinking as an excuse not to remember the things he had said or done. If your husband didn't have that much to drink then there is no way he does not remember exactly what happened and that to me is worrying. He will not accept responsibility for what he has done and he will not apologise for it in a meaningful way. He should be ashamed of himself and grovelling for you to forgive him. There is arrogance in saying he doesn't remember and not apologising. And unfortunately if you accept it this time it will happen again. The blaming you for something going wrong that you had no involvement in is all too familiar to me I'm afraid. It's emotional/mental abuse and smacks of very controlling behaviour. Is this normal behaviour for him? Does he always treat you this way? Is it normal behaviour for him?

[mumtoa]

You are in a horrible situation and I have no experience so wouldn't want to give advice but I do have huge respect for Women's Aid and the work they do. This is from Women's Aid Website and the link is at the bottom:
"Recognising that you are being abused is an important step. Where you go from here is up to you. You may feel you need time to think about your situation. Or perhaps you have already made up your mind to leave. Whatever you decide, your safety and that of your children is always the priority.
Take it one step at a time. You don't have to decide whether to leave the relationship right away, if at all. Only you know what the right decision for you is.................................
Women's Aid is there to support you whatever you decide. We can discuss your situation in detail with you if you call our National Freephone Helpline 1800 341 900, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. Find out more how Women's Aid can help."
https://www.womensaid.ie/help/options.html

[felicity]

OK I think it is possible that he did not remember it BUT the fact you told him it happened should be enough to have him apologising.The fact that he won't would be reason enough for me to be telling him to leave.
If he was on his knees begging for forgiveness I think I like you would try to sort out his issue rather than seperate immediately but given the circumstances,he doesn't respect you at all.Is that someone you want to live with for the rest of your life?

[Unnamed poster 7]

Post Deleted

[Iamsoneedy]

I think it would be a death knell for me too. In fact I know it would because I would never ever trust them not to do it again. But I’m often amazed by posters who say ‘just get him to leave’. You do realise it’s not as easy as that? They aren’t just going to pack a bag and trundle off into the sunset. It will undoubtedly be a long and difficult journey OP but when you come to the end of it, as a friend who is separated this past good while says, there is nothing like closing your front door and feeling safe and secure in your home.

Good luck.

[janeymac]

I think by hitting you, an enormous line has been crossed in your marriage and you must treat it as such. It cannot be minimized or explained or denied away. To do so would I think make it easier for it to happen again...and again.
Whether your husband remembers or not is really irrelevant as you have told him it happened. If he doesn't accept your word, then the situation is even worse if that's possible. I think it's strange to say the least that your husband is not devastated by his actions that you've related to him.
I'm sorry this has happened to you. The advice to contact Women's Aid is good I think.

[Darva]

How long have you been together and has he lost his temper before.
If he never loses his temper and you have been together for 20 years and this is totally out of the blue I would actually be concerned that there is something else going on.
Otherwise I would be trying to protect myself.

Would you call Women's Aid and talk to them?

[Grasscutter]

I think it would be a death knell for me too. In fact I know it would because I would never ever trust them not to do it again. But I’m often amazed by posters who say ‘just get him to leave’. You do realise it’s not as easy as that? They aren’t just going to pack a bag and trundle off into the sunset. It will undoubtedly be a long and difficult journey OP but when you come to the end of it, as a friend who is separated this past good while says, there is nothing like closing your front door and feeling safe and secure in your home.

Good luck.

Good point. Very few men I know would just pack and leave on request. And I don't know but I'm guessing you wouldn't even get a barring order for one slap - probably just a safety order.

Awful situation- wish you the very best no matter how you choose to deal with it.

[Rita]

Does he usually loose his temper like that and blame you for things ...does he remember all that? If it is very out of character I would worry there is something else wrong.

Not excusing him.hitting you at all

[reg]

It's easy to say "that would be curtains for me" when you haven't been in the situation. It's exactly what I would have said until my husband did something similar. He didn't hit me but got very verbally abusive and threatening. Alcohol was a factor but is no excuse.
He was extremely contrite and apologetic. We got past it. Probably only because we were on holidays so we had to put everything on hold for nearly two weeks till we got home, and in that limbo, I calmed down. It still makes me insanely angry when I think about that night, but as I said, we got past it.

Your dh's lack of contrition is alarming, though. I'm not sure how I would have dealt with things if I had to convince him of the seriousness of the situation.

[Sally]

How long have you been together and has he lost his temper before.
If he never loses his temper and you have been together for 20 years and this is totally out of the blue I would actually be concerned that there is something else going on.
Otherwise I would be trying to protect myself.

Would you call Women's Aid and talk to them?

I think this is important.

20 yrs being with the nicest, kindest man in the world, with narry a cross word between ye , who suddenly out of the blue lost the rag one day, shouting and bawling and then completely unexpectedly hitting you is one thing.

However, 10 years with someone who has pretty much been a prick on a regular basis, grumbling, complaining, blaming you for everything, emotionally abusing you , and slowly working up to the point where he has now added in a slap across the face to his repertoire is quite another thing .

I'm not saying the first instance above should be swept aside, or even that it's something you can get past. But I think you'd probably get more precise advice from posters here if you could honestly post and tell us what kind of man he has been up to this point.

[Starryeyedsurprise]

OP...He remembers. The fact that he is using this as an excuse is disgusting.

I know it's not as simple as telling him to pack his bags. How has he been all the years you have been together ?

[rosepetal]

Poor you, you must be feeling all over the place at the moment. He does remember, he just doesn't want to admit it because then he'll have to face what he did and accept the ramifications. I think he's crossed a line from whence there's no co.ing back and you have to decide whether that's a deal breaker or not. Personally not only could I never trust him again but the fact that he's not profusely apologising and doing everything he can to make amends, speaks volumes.