DS Lying

[DiscoGirl]

glad it worked out well.

nothing prepares you for being the parents of teens.

Honestly, though, I think you should focus more on what he is actually doing/people he is hanging with moving forward. I wouldn't care much about the lies or trust being broken - it is the teen years - those darling children who couldn't lie to me no matter what morphed into different creatures - they are morphing back into lovely older teens now - but I do care a lot about who my kids are hanging out with and I don't want to get any surprises about their behaviour so I keep a very close eye on that.

It may be that everything he said was true but it also may be that he is telling you some stuff you want to hear (that thing about his old friend starting to hang with lads he didn't like wouldn't run with me for a start although I'd admire him for figuring out exactly what a mother wants to hear). He is only 14. It is ok to want to know where he is and who he is with. I'd focus on that for the immediate future and not expecting him to be utterly honest with you.

This,

[Guest]

I am delighted ye are at this stage OP. Your poor boy and poor you. I feel so sorry for him - he dug himself a hole and instead of climbing out of it, the poor fella just kept digging and digging like an eejit. I have a DS like that! It's easier to say 'poor fella' when it's not my boy I'm talking about

I would be pretty sure he wasn't smoking as you would smell that from his clothes so if I were you, I'd probably cross that off the list. I too would have cancelled the sport for the one day. Unless there was an important match/grading/exam etc... If it was just an ordinary day, I would agree with him not going. Just to make him wake up. If he was going to let a team down, miss a chance to move up a level etc..., I would have let him go but there would still be an 'ordinary day' waiting for him to miss the following week or whenever.

For me, it would be the lying. That's it. The 'running off' and the 'where he was' parts of the story would just be details. Pretty significant details, but just details. It would be the lying all the way.

This may just be in our house and it is just one of many approaches to parenting so I'm not suggesting it's the right one. But we can discuss, negotiate, work around pretty much anything. As long as there is no lying.

OP, you have a bit of a road ahead but your boy sounds like a nice and good lad. He will get there. My son who sounded similar is 16 and is a fabulous lad. We are so proud of the young adult he is becoming. He changed friend groups about a year ago and doesn't know himself. He wasn't hanging with rough kids - they were nice lads - but they just weren't the right fit for him. Since he found the friends who are the right fit, he has found himself. Your lad will do the same.

[Lady Madonna]

It's great to see you've resolved the issue with your son and he's being mature about it.

I come from a town that has quite a few of what might be considered "rough areas" and at least 90% of the families living in those estates are just ordinary people trying to get on with life the same as the rest of us. If I look beyond the vandalism and anti social behaviour I see a lovely sense of community but maybe being a rural dweller I'm looking at it with rose tinted glasses. My teenage daughter was the victim of an assault earlier this year by a boy her own age who is from a nice, professional family in a small, expensive housing estate in a quiet part of town.

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[Apple]

I would worry that there may be undesirable things going on when he behaving so uncharacteristically tbh. I would still want to keep the communication going and not come down too hard on him but maybe he’s feeling guilty for a reason. I’m thinking back to when I was that age, you just knew some people were riskier than others and your parents wouldn’t like them even though mine were on the lax side. It may not be that you are too strict but that he is battling with his own conscience. Of course they may be up to no harm at all but Id be keeping an eye on him as he is only 14. He sounds like a good lad though so it’s probably a blip.

[rubies]

We've had a chat, said he isn't normally up in that area but was that night, bumped into older guys that the boys he was with knew, he didn't know them. Doesn't know why he didn't tell me he had changed friend groups or mention the new boys, said he didn't think it was important as he does still sometimes see the original boy but doesn't go to his house. Actually stopped hanging out with the original boy because he didn't like a couple of the lads he was starting to hang out with which sounds more like him. Wasn't smoking, swears he's telling the truth. The kids he was with don't live in the area where there is the vandalism etc and he swears he never went near the worst bits of a park where it is known for teen drinking and all that goes with it, I would just hate for him to get caught up in something.

I would take all of this with a vary large grain of salt!

[ASW]

We've had a chat, said he isn't normally up in that area but was that night, bumped into older guys that the boys he was with knew, he didn't know them. Doesn't know why he didn't tell me he had changed friend groups or mention the new boys, said he didn't think it was important as he does still sometimes see the original boy but doesn't go to his house. Actually stopped hanging out with the original boy because he didn't like a couple of the lads he was starting to hang out with which sounds more like him. Wasn't smoking, swears he's telling the truth. The kids he was with don't live in the area where there is the vandalism etc and he swears he never went near the worst bits of a park where it is known for teen drinking and all that goes with it, I would just hate for him to get caught up in something.

I would take all of this with a vary large grain of salt!

Sorry but I have to agree. He had plenty of time to think and plan and told you EXACTLY what you wanted to hear.

[Unnamed poster 7]

Post Deleted

[Mrs chic]

Thank you for sharing and being so honest Worrried.
It 'reminds me of the joke
How do you know a teenager is lying?
They are breathing!
96% of teenagers lie. The lesson for your d's is how a lie grows a d grows. Be so thankful you are only 3 months onto this lie.
This is a valuable lesson for your son. The truth ALWAYS comes out.
Danger of lies is the risk of safety. As you have made known.
Don't scrutinise his excuses. Let him feel he ghealach want been fully exposed. If he has been dabbling at least you will be watching here on.

Don't beat yourself up over the trust breach and how naieive you have been. Thankfully you are aware and that's most important. He is not a bad kid he is just moving to his next stage of development and you need to move with it. Be mindful of his world and what's important to him. Encourage his development. People of all ages do silly things. He needs to know you learn and move on.
Fist year kids are just finding their feet. 2nd year is the year of independence. They now form friends with particular interests. Hope these are safe friends. Older guys are not ideal friends. Similar age and interest.
If I were you I would push sport more for him. Join him up to a core training sessions. Help him stay sporty.
Previous posters have good advice.
Take care and be thankful.

[Guest]

Of course, I'm not stupid, but after being told here keep lines of communication open, don't foster resentment etc what can I do but listen, accept and move on with a much closer eye and more questions than I had cast over him previously. He knows he's being watched more carefully now to see who/were/what and I'm not as trusting so hopefully that is enough for now.

I don't think he's behaving uncharacteristically so don't think there is anything going on and don't want to make this bigger than it is - he's done stupid stuff before, he's a teen, I just was shocked by the lies and the extent of them as we never saw any reason for the lies other than he had been told not to go to a certain area for good reason. I have no issues with kids from that area, the ones causing trouble might not even be from there but it is rough.

Anyway with a renewed eye over his social life and not being too hard on him hopefully the two will be enough to keep him making better decisions.

He has 4 days of sport and is very focused.

[LucyS]

As an aside, I think he will do well in life. He seems well tuned-in to telling people what they want to hear.

[rubies]

As an aside, I think he will do well in life. He seems well tuned-in to telling people what they want to hear.

That's very true. The 17 year old son of a friend of mine would convince anyone that black is white. And he says it with such an engaging way of talking that you would believe him!!

[Thatgirlcandance]

I've a daughter like that Rubies, she is 7, she just talks with such conviction and would logically argue her way out of anything. Scary to see in action.

In this house it would be the lying as well that would be the biggest thing I would have an issue with.

[Kensington]

In this house it would be the lying as well that would be the biggest thing I would have an issue with.

I found that I really had to chill a bit about this during the teen years. It honestly is just part of growing up for a lot of kids - not all - and doesn't mean a life of deception and dishonesty is ahead of them. My theory is that the teen years have a lot of tension because the teenager wants more independence and privacy but doesn't have it and I think the lies are a way of creating that privacy. If you have a child who is ok with not being fully-independent yet, you'll get way less lying. If you have a teen desperate to be adult, you'll get more. The book "Get out of my life but first take me and mary down town" - can't remember Irish title - is really good about the lying and gives a very good perspective on it. You don't have to endorse it - you can still say "don't lie" etc but I think it is really helpful to minimise the opportunities for lying. So don't ask the question if you already know the answer - present the facts instead. And also don't judge your teen's character by the lies.

Good luck OP. rearing teens - not for the faint of heart

[Deise]

@Lady Madonna - didn't want to quote your earlier post. That's horrible for your dd. Hope she's ok and not nervous of being out and about after it.

[RDR]

The book "Get out of my life but first take me and mary down town" - can't remember Irish title - is really good about the lying and gives a very good perspective on it. You don't have to endorse it - you can still say "don't lie" etc but I think it is really helpful to minimise the opportunities for lying. So don't ask the question if you already know the answer - present the facts instead. And also don't judge your teen's character by the lies.

Get out of my life but first take me an Alex into town. Really really worth reading. Not just on lying.