DS Lying

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DiscoGirl
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Re: DS Lying

#31 Post by DiscoGirl »

At 14 I would still be checking with the parents of the child he says he's with to make sure he is
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Re: DS Lying

#32 Post by Guest »

So when would you stop checking up every time they say they are going somewhere Country chic as that's my next dilemma, when do I start to trust him again and not check up with parents? 15, 16...I thought 14 and 2nd year at school wouldn't have warranted this but I've been proved wrong.

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Re: DS Lying

#33 Post by Worried »

I've just re read my op again as reading through all the replies a lot of you think I'm cross, going ballistic, need to calm down and that anger is colouring my judgement etc. I wrote the post very early so I was wondering if I had unfortunately come across that way but I don't think so. I wasn't even angry at him last night, more stunned, then angry at myself and then worried. I had been awake all night and was thinking of the taking away the phone and grounding him for the lies so they haven't been knee jerk reactions.

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Re: DS Lying

#34 Post by DiscoGirl »

Guest wrote:So when would you stop checking up every time they say they are going somewhere Country chic as that's my next dilemma, when do I start to trust him again and not check up with parents? 15, 16...I thought 14 and 2nd year at school wouldn't have warranted this but I've been proved wrong.
Have no idea :lol: but I feel 14 is still too young to be out and about without not knowing who they're with

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Re: DS Lying

#35 Post by felicity »

What are you most upset about? The fact he lied or the fact he was in an area that you don't like,with people you don't know?

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Re: DS Lying

#36 Post by Shivvy »

CountryChic wrote:
Guest wrote:So when would you stop checking up every time they say they are going somewhere Country chic as that's my next dilemma, when do I start to trust him again and not check up with parents? 15, 16...I thought 14 and 2nd year at school wouldn't have warranted this but I've been proved wrong.
Have no idea Image but I feel 14 is still too young to be out and about without not knowing who they're with
At 14 DS1 would have been out with friends & not in a house. So I wouldn't have rang a parent to check on DS1.

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Re: DS Lying

#37 Post by Worried »

felicity wrote:What are you most upset about? The fact he lied or the fact he was in an area that you don't like,with people you don't know?

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The lying and over such a long period. I'm more worried about the 2nd bit.

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Re: DS Lying

#38 Post by felicity »

Look he obviously knew that you would be less than happy if he told you where he was going so chose to not tell you.Why would he know that?Have you expressed disdain about the area before?The way he behaved last night was a reaction to being caught.Nothing more,nothing less.

This may not be what you want to hear but I think that you are possibly a lot stricter than you think you are.I learned a long time ago that I needed to pick my battles.From what you have said here, there are a lot of punishments you have used for a lot less. I have teenagers.The youngest 3 are 13,15 and 17.I honestly couldn't tell you the last time needed to punish any of them.Not because they are perfect and not because we have this parenting thing sewn up but because we don't sweat what in the grand scheme of things is small stuff.
Your son is 14.He is growing up.Wanting to make his own decisions. He needs to make bad ones before he learns from them. He was in a not so nice area but as far as you know he hasn't got into any serious trouble,you don't actually know if he was smoking either.My DS1 went through a phase of telling me he was 1 place when in actual fact he was somewhere else.I found out. My worry and I told him was if something happened and I had the guards call to my door I would have said,no he is in Johns house so it can't be him lying on the side of the road etc.He understood then.
Teenagers lie,that is a fact. Of course he needs to know that you are really annoyed over it.I always find disappointed works a lot better.What he doesn't need is being told who his friends can be depending on where they live. Tell him that it is ok for him to be somewhere else but you just need to know. Give him something to work with.What is taking his phone away going to achieve?What is grounding him going to achieve?Resentment is what.it . He thinks you are really annoyed over where he was and this is what it is all about.

I would talk to him,tell him calmly what your problem is with it and keep the lines of communication open.
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Re: DS Lying

#39 Post by Kensington »

I have 3 older teens (youngest is 16).
Most of them lie. I never gave mine the opportunity for additional lies (as in never said "did you do X?" if I knew they had done it - just said "you did x. why did you do it". Honestly he is at the peak age for lying to parents - he is trying to get more independence in his life and yet has no real way of achieving this.

I would be concerned about what he is actually doing - who is he with, what are they doing. I think I would focus on that if I were you. After all the storm is blown over could you or your dh go out for a walk or a coffee with him and ask him what he has been up to. It could be that he is hanging with kids you won't like but can't really object to. It could be he is hanging with kids who are drinking/weed smoking/shoplifting. You need to find out. You also need to tell him that any friends are welcome in your house - doesn't matter if they are from families you don't know or not his old primary friends - all are welcome.

I never found punishment worked with teens. We mostly expressed our sadness/disappointment/concern/worry/whatever and talked to them. My kids were generally amenable to a serious chat.. I felt taking away phones etc just set up a them and us dynamic that didn't increase trust. I never wanted them to feel punished - I wanted them to understand how they should make good choices and live a decent life. You want them to talk to you (while accepting they won't tell you everything). Also really agree with Felicity - pick your battles and make it a very high standard before you decide this is a hill worth fighting over.
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Re: DS Lying

#40 Post by Tobo »

Shivvy wrote:I have a 16yo boy. While I understand your upset at your son not being where he said he has been for months, I think you need to ask yourself why he has lied about it for so long.
Is it because he feels very restricted?
Is it because you (both parents) will voice immediate disapproval about these new friends?
Is it because he is hiding smoking etc (though he wasnt seen smoking so this may not be it).
There is a reason as to why he lied. Very few kids lie just because (although some do).

I wouldnt stop his sport. Its good for the mind as well as physically & teen boys are quite vulnerable to mental health issues.

I would certainly sit down with him & have an easygoing conversation about safety & if he isnt going to where he originally said ask him to send a text. My boy goes out with different gangs of friends. He may move from place to place & group to group & I dont always know exactly where he is but I know the general area. If I ask, he tells me. I will never tell him if I dislike a group or friend but I will have chats about safety & keeping himself and his friends safe.

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I agree with all the above.
I understand your frustration and disappointment, and had the same been done to me by one of my teens, I'm sure I would have flown off the handle for a while.

Not all teens lie. I hate generalisation.
I know mine don't. I rarely have them out of the house, we live rural so meeting friends has to be arranged.

I think, given time, by expressing your disappointment in the situation, and asking why he does what he does, things will feel less raw for you.

He will probably want to continue meeting those friends you don't know/don't like, and that's something you will have to suck it up.
Explain how you're not happy, but that once he communicates and lets you drop him off, invite others over etc, then maybe an adult compromise can be achieved.
I wouldn't push the punishment too far either, him being in his room all day might be thinking time for him.
Yes, it's serious what he's done, but it's done now.
You have to move on from this, both of you.

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Re: DS Lying

#41 Post by Valentino »

I would be really upset too Worried. It’s a real kick in the teeth and it’s hard to build up the trust again.

I would be really peeved though like you if I found out DS was hanging out in a rough area with a gang of friends that I wasn’t even aware of and the lying as well would kill me too. Why did he not tell you, is it because of where they live or is it because they really are trouble and he knew you would hit the roof if you found out?

Parenting teens is hard. I hope things go well for you both.

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Re: DS Lying

#42 Post by Worried »

We've had a chat, said he isn't normally up in that area but was that night, bumped into older guys that the boys he was with knew, he didn't know them. Doesn't know why he didn't tell me he had changed friend groups or mention the new boys, said he didn't think it was important as he does still sometimes see the original boy but doesn't go to his house. Actually stopped hanging out with the original boy because he didn't like a couple of the lads he was starting to hang out with which sounds more like him. Wasn't smoking, swears he's telling the truth. The kids he was with don't live in the area where there is the vandalism etc and he swears he never went near the worst bits of a park where it is known for teen drinking and all that goes with it, I would just hate for him to get caught up in something.

I expressed my disappointment that he had lied for months about where he was going and that he made it worse by not coming home and facing the consequences, we spoke a lot about that and how if he wants to act grown up, facing up to stuff he doesn't want to hear is part of that. Spoke a lot about how he had broken the trust I had given him and he seemed very sorry about that. I told him how worried I was about him when he decided to hide out and that's why he didn't do sport today. He was told if he didn't come home that it would be taken away and he made his choice which he accepted.

Not taking his phone but will have a location thing on it and ask to check it more often. I didn't mention grounding him, he has exams all next week so it's not an option to go out anyway so we will see next week.

There will be trust issues for a while but I'll work on that and hopefully he has realised why I have them.

He must be feeling really bad as he went upstairs and opened his maths books to study for a test :lol:

Tomorrow is a new day tg. Going to see if he wants to watch a movie now to take our minds off it and move on as normally we get on fine.

Ps I don't mind someone telling me on here they think I'm strict, I had someone else indicating the opposite as I didn't call the parents every time he apparentely went to a house. We all parent differently and we have different kids but it's good to bounce stuff off each other. Thanks

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Re: DS Lying

#43 Post by Stress test »

My parents were so strict,I was the eldest.when I think of the stuff I did as a teen ,I get goosebumps.
I used to always tell my mother lies,I was sleeping over in someone's house but I would be out at a disco or in the pub. The main reason was because I knew she wouldn't let me go if I asked.i was in some unsafe situations and now as a parent ,I would prefer to know where my son was even if I didn't approve,I will offer to pick him up and as long as I know he is safe and responsible ,I will be open to him going places.(obviously I will track his phone ,but on the sly!) I hope this will still be the case in a few years. I hope you and your son get back to normal as quick as you can.
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Re: DS Lying

#44 Post by Kensington »

glad it worked out well.

nothing prepares you for being the parents of teens.

Honestly, though, I think you should focus more on what he is actually doing/people he is hanging with moving forward. I wouldn't care much about the lies or trust being broken - it is the teen years - those darling children who couldn't lie to me no matter what morphed into different creatures - they are morphing back into lovely older teens now - but I do care a lot about who my kids are hanging out with and I don't want to get any surprises about their behaviour so I keep a very close eye on that.

It may be that everything he said was true but it also may be that he is telling you some stuff you want to hear (that thing about his old friend starting to hang with lads he didn't like wouldn't run with me for a start although I'd admire him for figuring out exactly what a mother wants to hear). He is only 14. It is ok to want to know where he is and who he is with. I'd focus on that for the immediate future and not expecting him to be utterly honest with you.
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Re: DS Lying

#45 Post by DiscoGirl »

Kensington wrote:glad it worked out well.

nothing prepares you for being the parents of teens.

Honestly, though, I think you should focus more on what he is actually doing/people he is hanging with moving forward. I wouldn't care much about the lies or trust being broken - it is the teen years - those darling children who couldn't lie to me no matter what morphed into different creatures - they are morphing back into lovely older teens now - but I do care a lot about who my kids are hanging out with and I don't want to get any surprises about their behaviour so I keep a very close eye on that.

It may be that everything he said was true but it also may be that he is telling you some stuff you want to hear (that thing about his old friend starting to hang with lads he didn't like wouldn't run with me for a start although I'd admire him for figuring out exactly what a mother wants to hear). He is only 14. It is ok to want to know where he is and who he is with. I'd focus on that for the immediate future and not expecting him to be utterly honest with you.
This,

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