DS Lying

[MonkeyBars]

One of the consequences we gave him at the time of him initially running away was that he wasn't getting to play his sport so we are standing by that. This will be gutting for him but I really think this is the only thing that will make him realise the seriousness of his behaviour last night. I'm also taking away his smartphone (he can have a basic phone for emergencies as he travels to school) and I haven't even begun to contemplate how long he is grounded for. As I obviously don't know his new friends at all, going out isn't an option. He will be given a packed lunch instead of lunch money as I suspect he may have been keeping this and using it elsewhere now.

I won't be the first or the last parent to feel like they really don't know their child but I'm so upset. When I saw him earlier in the day he had some lunch with me, told me about his exams, babysat his brother and did some studying. I find it hard to reconcile that boy with the one what came home last night and the one who has been lying to me for months. I thought my DS was warm and comfortable playing PS4 in someone's house but instead he is hanging round possibly smoking with unknown people in a rough area. All trust has gone and I really did trust him, I didn't track his phone or check it, I really didn't see the need, I feel a fool.

That is a lot of punishment. If you wrote all the above about a 12 year-old, it would be very understandable.

I know many here will not agree with me but I would not expect to track a 15 year-old's phone. and I would not be telling a 15 year-old who he can and cannot be friends with. I would not necessarily expect to know the parents of his friends and I cannot imagine telling a 15 year-old that he is not allowed to have friends from 'a rough area'.

Yes, I would be very annoyed if a 15 year-old was smoking but you don't even know he was doing that for certain. Sometime we need to let our teens be teens and make teenage mistakes and, while we do our best to keep them safe, we cannot expect to control everything they do. What he did was very wrong but maybe he felt he could not tell you the truth?

Either way it is a lot of punishment. It's great that he is involved in sport and I think it would be a great pity if you put a stop to it. Is he really such a bad kid? I don't think so.

I never expected to track my daughters phone and tried to give her freedom and it backfired on me in a huge way... I’ve a ds who is 13 his phone is tracked.. if he’s somewhere he shouldn’t be sometimes I just suck it up if I don’t feel he is in danger.... if only I had of been tracking my dds phone.

[Novbaby31]

He is fifteen. He has been doing what fifteen years olds have been doing for generations, telling their parents what they want to here (lying) to avoid a row.

Take 24 hours and calm down. And then consider what an appropriate punishment should be. For me the very last thing I would look at would be sport. It is so good for teenagers to have a sport in their lives that to me that would be a bit like cutting school.

Talk to him, explain he has completely violating the trust between ye, ask him what he thinks is appropriate in the circumstances. He is still your lovely boy, he is just mid teens.

[Flux]

I'm sorry you're going through this with your DS. I can imagine how stressful and upsetting yesterday was for you all.

I've been through some issues with my teenagers in recent months - it is very draining!!

I would have no issye with restricting his phone / wifI access and some grounding but I wouldn't impact his sports. Sport is so important to teenage boys. We have some of our most open conversations with DS in the car on way home from sports because it's usually when he's in his best form and most receptive to chatting. He's also more likely to find like minded friends through his sports.

As others have said I wouldn't go too hard on him today as you want to encourage conversation and try to understand what led him to these new friends and what they're up to. Certainly invite them over if possible so you can get to know them and hopefully put your mind at ease. He sounds like a lovely lad so I've no doubt it will all work out.

Wishing you the best of luck - navigating the teenage years is not easy and takes all our resources! x

[Driven Demented]

No I'm sorry but based on the information you actually have at the moment you have overreacted. His friendship group has changed. He wants to hang out with these new guys for a reason but guessing how you would react didn't tell you.

He reacted the way he did out of fear last night. His behaviour has not changed in any way at home so these new friends are not influencing him negatively from that point of view.

I know you are cross and concerned about the lying and you have every right to be but you need to talk to him and actually listen to him. Get him to invite his new friends around or at least to call for him so you can meet them. Friends are the most important thing to teenagers at this age. Taking his smartphone and pulling sports is going to be completely detrimental to him. Without them he is completely isolated and will likely push him against you even more. This will not work in your favour.

[Unnamed poster 7]

Post Deleted

[CarrieBrad]

You need to take a deep breath and step back.
He has fucked up bu hes the teen. You need to make sure you dont fuck up now in reaction. You are the adult.
You are there to help him when he fucks up not hammers him into the ground.
Hes a teen. His sport and his phone are his oxygen. Remove them and i think it will backfire on you massively.
If hes been lying to you then you now need him closer to you not push him away further. That will harbour resentment on his part.
You have to work out whats important here. Getting him through this safely with your relationship intact, or punishing him so much that he knows whos in charge. I know what way i go. Its a small window you have left. Use it wisely.
With teenagers, its ok to lose a few battles along the way so long as you win the war.
Stop letting your anger at him colour whats important. Getting him through teen years safely.

3dollys says it all here.
My own tuppence dont take the sport from him.

[Vino]

Sorry I haven't time to read all the replies but I want strongly advise you against removing sports as a punishment. It's too big a chance to take just that age that the consequence of your doing this might lead to him giving up sports completely.
It's the sports and activities that will minimise his free time and opportunities to interact with these other kids a lot more than you trying alone to stop him.

[mammy]

I agree with 3dollys above..
Have you asked him why he is now with these new friends.
He probably couldn't tell you because of how you feel about the area, not all kids from rough areas are rough kids. The smoking I don't agree with but your son wasn't even seen with a fag. My daughter (16) goes out with friends who are drinking and doesn't drink. (No I'm not niave,she has tried it and didn't like it, we drop and pick up from everything and have told her if she feels like drinking talk to us first, we trust her)
He was probably totally afraid of how you react last night and that is why he ran.
You said you were chatting to him earlier in the day, ue was studying and helping you out, think back to then , don't think of him being a complete monster and sit down and talk with him again, but with him, not at him. Tell him disappointed you are with his lying and try to get him to open up to you about it.
I think the punishment regarding sport is Ott, maybe agree he can go (if not late) but he'll be dropped and collected.
I'm not condoning what he done at all because I absolutely hate lies, but try to find out the reasons for it..
Maybe punish him by grounding him and when things have settled invite his new friends over, get to know them for yourself.. I hated the fact I was looked down on because I was from a council estate in a nice quiet village. When anything got wrong the kids from estate got the blame.. it's horrible to be judged because of your address.

[Iamsoneedy]

I think you’ve overreacted too. I lied consistently to my parents at that age. They were far too strict and wanted to veto certain friends. You can’t do that at that age. It’s way too controlling. It’s not great to be lied to but I understand why he did it. I think you’ll have to be careful not to completely alienate him.

[StarryNight]

Another one here who lied to strict parents. I knew they were no to everything so I worked around it. They've said they were far too strict, but they didn't think there was any other way to be. I'd have had no friends at all if I hadn't developed strategies to get out sometimes.

[farmer me]

I have a 16yo boy. While I understand your upset at your son not being where he said he has been for months, I think you need to ask yourself why he has lied about it for so long.
Is it because he feels very restricted?
Is it because you (both parents) will voice immediate disapproval about these new friends?
Is it because he is hiding smoking etc (though he wasnt seen smoking so this may not be it).
There is a reason as to why he lied. Very few kids lie just because (although some do).

I wouldnt stop his sport. Its good for the mind as well as physically & teen boys are quite vulnerable to mental health issues.

I would certainly sit down with him & have an easygoing conversation about safety & if he isnt going to where he originally said ask him to send a text. My boy goes out with different gangs of friends. He may move from place to place & group to group & I dont always know exactly where he is but I know the general area. If I ask, he tells me. I will never tell him if I dislike a group or friend but I will have chats about safety & keeping himself and his friends safe.

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[Worried]

Thanks for replies.

Was actually a typo in my post sorry, he's 14.

I am very calm, just sad, in fact I have barely spoken to him as when he did eventually pick up the phone after 3 hours of searching for him I just told him to come home and go to bed and we would talk in the morning. I haven't seen him since, he hasn't surfaced from his room even to try to go to his sport.

I would normally 100% agree on keeping the sport for all the reasons here and would be 1st to post this advice but nothing else works on him for far less things. Taking away Xbox, doesn't care, taking away phone, doesn't care, grounding, doesn't care. I want him to totally get that he can't pull this lying and then running away shit again. It seems to be the only thing in our arsenal to get him to have a think about the consequences of his actions. Anyway as it happens we didn't stop him, he just didn't get up.

I don't want to choose his friends for him but he doesn't get to just go wherever he wants with whoever he wants and lie about it. I would like to know their ages as I don't really want him hanging out with much older kids - is this normal? And importantly he can't run away and not face his parents every time he gets caught out in a lie or acts the eejit. I don't have to meet all his friends, there are plenty of his in the past I haven't but telling me he's in someone's house for months and associated back up lies when he's not is not on. If that makes me strict I must be but I really thought I was on the lax side of the parenting chart, I never asked for his phone or location settings, I trusted him.

We will of course be talking with him and asking what is in his head and why he's been with these friends if that is what they are, I don't even know that yet or even how old they are. I'm not judging the boys, I don't know them but there is anti social behaviour where he was, serious vandalism, fighting etc. That's the reason he's always been told to stay away in case he inadvertently got mixed up or accused of something.

Shivvy, I've done the safety chats about getting into situations he can't handle and I can hand on heart say he has had quite a long leash especially compared to his peers. I don't think we are strict at all, he comes and says I'm going out to x's. I say grand what time will you be home, I'll have dinner. He says about 7.30, he turns up at 8 and all is good. I ask did he have a nice eve, he says grand, just played PS4 with x and went to get a drink in the shop - I expect no more than he goes roughly where he says he will be and ask few questions so I genuinely don't think I've forced him to lie except that he obviously knows he wasn't to be in the aforementioned area for aforementioned reasons.

Anyway he will have to surface sometime so will have a chat then.

[Worried]

And I should add if we were stopping sports it was only for today which would sting enough. Reading back at the op it looks like it was for good/a while.

[barneyrubble]

I took from the op that the sport was a temporary measure... Not permanent. No harm if it's for this weekend or that imo. Def not as a permanent action

I'd be straight with him that he's crossed a line and you're taking some time to get a balanced reply together that your too cross at the moment.

As for checking phones etc Def do. Friend recently found her ds at 15 was both taking and dealing in a variety of drugs, and a whole host of other issues. They checked back on his social media then and discovered a lot!!

[Worried]

I don't even think I'm that cross barneyrubble, more numb. As another poster said I'm not going to take it personally but it doesn't take away that I do feel sad.