DS Lying

[Worried]

Regular gone anon, not sure why but think it best as it's quite raw.

I found out yesterday that DS (15) has been lying about where he is going for months. Shock, horror, teen lies to parents but I'm gutted as I really thought he was pretty open with me and we had a good relationship.

He went out yesterday evening about 4.30 to his friend's house. I told him to be back for 7.30 ish and checked he had his phone. His younger sister got dropped home from an activity by my friend around 7 and was bursting to tell me DS had been seen by them in a different and quite rough area of the town with a bunch of boys who were smoking. My friend says she didn't see DS with a cigarette but I'm not naive enough to think he wasn't doing the same although I am very surprised as he is very into sport. Anyway whilst I was annoyed I had it in perspective, I've been a teen hanging round shops wanting to be cooler than I was and whilst there would have been consequences about him not being where he said he was going I was calm enough at that stage.

I called my friend to confirm that is was definitely him and then called the friend's mum who he gone to. This is where it gets ugly. The other mum said she hadn't seen him in ages, probably since the summer and couldn't remember the last time she had seen him and had even asked her DS why my DS wasn't round anymore. I'm glad of her honesty but my blood literally ran cold, the info I was being given about where he was going, what he was doing were all lies and I'd say for months, there are so many examples of completely lying to my face I don't know where to start and now I know why he never wanted dropped or collected even if it started torrential rain. He knows he's not allowed to go to the area he was caught in, we had talked about it many times.

DH came home just as I was on the phone to the mum and he tried calling DS who wouldn't answer his phone. I went out for a drive to see if I could see him but had no luck. He returned home a few minutes before I did and wouldn't go in the house, completely went on the offensive with us asking us what he had done wrong. Obviously we didn't want to stand in the street doing this so just said to get in the house and we'd talk then. He then basically ran away - DH got in his car and followed him asking him to get in the car but he refused so he came home to drop the car and walk back to him. Long story short to an evening where DH was in and out looking for him/losing him/looking for him I eventually got him to answer my call about 10pm and he came home after I told him I couldn't do anymore and was going to need professional help to get him safe as he was very vulnerable and was calling the Guards. I told him I was too tired to talk to him and to go up for a shower and to bed as he was freezing (it was about minus 2 last night and he only had a thin jacket on).

So today is a new day. One of the consequences we gave him at the time of him initially running away was that he wasn't getting to play his sport so we are standing by that. This will be gutting for him but I really think this is the only thing that will make him realise the seriousness of his behaviour last night. I'm also taking away his smartphone (he can have a basic phone for emergencies as he travels to school) and I haven't even begun to contemplate how long he is grounded for. As I obviously don't know his new friends at all, going out isn't an option. He will be given a packed lunch instead of lunch money as I suspect he may have been keeping this and using it elsewhere now.

I won't be the first or the last parent to feel like they really don't know their child but I'm so upset. When I saw him earlier in the day he had some lunch with me, told me about his exams, babysat his brother and did some studying. I find it hard to reconcile that boy with the one what came home last night and the one who has been lying to me for months. I thought my DS was warm and comfortable playing PS4 in someone's house but instead he is hanging round possibly smoking with unknown people in a rough area. All trust has gone and I really did trust him, I didn't track his phone or check it, I really didn't see the need, I feel a fool.

[farmer me]

That's an awful amount of punishment . I hope ye can all calm down and talk rationally about it all. What is so bad about that part of the town? If he is so in to sports I very doubt he is smoking. eEdited to say at 15 I wouldnt be telling my kids who they can and cant hang around with, it's a big world out there

[MonkeyBars]

Don’t feel a fool. I’ve been there done that... and felt like such a fool but all we did was trust our kids. He is till the same boy you love and had the chats with earlier that day. I lied.. oh boy did I lie to my parents I think it was easier back in the day. Take some time to think about what you want to say to him. Talk to him about the dangers of the area he was in, (he was probably safer than you think because they would all know him there now). And how your disappointed in how he lied to you. I find this is more effective and makes them think. About the punishment, think about this before you go full haul on him, let the punishment fit the crime. Don’t damage your relationship with him over something teenagers do.

My deal with my dd is I can check her on find my iPhone. If I ring her three times and she doesn’t pick up I can send a signal to her phone that beeps whether on silent or not so there’s no excuse. I’ve never had to beep the phone

[MonkeyBars]

Also about him not coming home... I’d say he was just afraid of what was going to happen... I remember having to face my parents after something similar.... arghhhhh it was horrible

[Deise]

Being honest, I wouldn't hit his sport, he needs that, mentally, physically, socially. It's an out, burns energy, agression, positive endorphins etc. Also, you'll need an hour away from each other.

I've a 15 year old girl, who I spent all last night fighting with, it ruined the toy show for her sisters, and there are loads of new rules today but I couldn't bring myself to cut sport.

Hope things settle down there for you all today.

[rosepetal]

I have a 16 yr old and an almost 19 yr old, both boys, so I can definitely empathise with you but while I totally I understand your feeling betrayed and disappointed, I also think you're overreacting a bit and might make the situation worse. Have you asked him why he's over there? He isn't necessarily smoking, not every teen who's friends smoke, do it themselves. I'm absolutely not excusing what he did, it's totally wrong to go against your instructions and especially lie about it, but going ballistic now is probably not going to help the situation. Teenagers don't usually respond well to heavy handedness, you need to find out why he's been going there and go from there. And while I know it's awful to see your child do something you thought that's never do in a million years, it's part of growing up for many of them, and honestly he could be out doing a whole lot worse (that's not to say it's ok, it's not) . So take a step back and calm down, then talk to him. Good luck.

[Emmage]

I’d agree re the sport, teens need the sport for their heads as much as anything else. The sport generally keeps them on the straight and narrow. Maybe he lied because he knows how you would react to him being with these new friends. However, there had to be consequences for his lying alright and understand your disappointment. At 15 I lied constantly to my parents and they reacted and over reacted and to be honest our relationship was permanently damaged & I saw it as not being loved which affected me in many aspects of my life as an adult. So just be careful, better to start the day afresh and start again. Try keeping the lines of communication open. I’ve a 15 year old too - they are hard work & infuriating but lovely too! Best of luck with it. Em

[rosepetal]

And I agree 100% about the sport, they need that outlet. Plus he might lose his place on his team (if he's on one? ) and that could have far worse consequences on his behaviour. Best of luck.

[OddSox]

At 15 he is way too self involved to truly understand how this is making you feel so don't take it so personally, he is still all the things you thought he was except for now he's also flexing his independence a bit and in an immature way.. I agree with not taking sport off him, that's something he needs. Personally I would let it lie for a while while you consider how you want to approach this and what you want to happen going forward. He has lost your trust and you want to start building that up again, tons of punishment won't do that. As this is a first offence I would be going down the route of talking about where you all want to go from here and what he can do to rebuild the trust. For me, punishment enough would be the loss of trust he had and the fact that he now can't simply skip out the door, his actions have lost him that and it's his actions that will restore it. That gives him some control and hopefully sets him back on track.
Also, let him have his say and listen to it. If he's been hiding friendships from you, find out why he felt the need to do that and take it from there

[jagg]

I wouldn't cut sport either as it can be hard enough to keep teens interested in sports as they discover other things.
Maybe the friends are from school or sport and because of where they're from he knew you wouldn't approve of them. We had something kind of similar here. My ds is big into BMXing and skateboarding. He hangs out in a skate park, mostly with some lads older than him, who come to park from a less nice area. I was always apprehensive of him being there with them, had them penned as thugs really. Then I met them. I am ashamed of what I had thought of them. They were genuinely lovely lads, very clued in with high levels of emotional intelligence, tuned into each others feelings for example, they watch oit for each other and support each other's successes and failure s. They are also very hardworking at their sport.

[janeymac]

Good advice from Rosepetal. I don't have teenage sons but I well remember my brothers as teenagers and lots of upset at home from similar incidents.
I think it's more about your son growing up and finding his way than about him setting out to deceive you and make a fool of you and your husband. I also remember my parents driving round looking for runaway teens that didn't want to come home and face the music.
He is still all the good things you think he is. And although you are really angry it's worth trying to talk to him and see things from his point of view.
I also don't think you were wrong to trust him. I think it's a hard part of parenting to let go but necessary and not unusual for kids to make mistakes.
I think lots of parents of teenagers go through plenty so you're not alone and it might be par for the course for many unfortunately but I think most kids come out ok the other end. It's awful at the time but he's growing up so I think going very heavy with punishments makes a child of him, which he's not. You need him to still feel you're on his side and still able to go to you.
Tough days.

[Magpie]

Lots of good advice here.

The one thing we keep telling our 15yo is that we are not trying to ruin his life or stop him having a social life but that we just want to keep him safe. He gets that now and life is easier for everyone.

Would you encourage him to have the friends over to your house.

DS and his friends realised about a year ago that it's not really much fun walking around outside so most weekends we have a gang here or they are in one of the friends houses and we always collect him.

[LucyS]

One of the consequences we gave him at the time of him initially running away was that he wasn't getting to play his sport so we are standing by that. This will be gutting for him but I really think this is the only thing that will make him realise the seriousness of his behaviour last night. I'm also taking away his smartphone (he can have a basic phone for emergencies as he travels to school) and I haven't even begun to contemplate how long he is grounded for. As I obviously don't know his new friends at all, going out isn't an option. He will be given a packed lunch instead of lunch money as I suspect he may have been keeping this and using it elsewhere now.

I won't be the first or the last parent to feel like they really don't know their child but I'm so upset. When I saw him earlier in the day he had some lunch with me, told me about his exams, babysat his brother and did some studying. I find it hard to reconcile that boy with the one what came home last night and the one who has been lying to me for months. I thought my DS was warm and comfortable playing PS4 in someone's house but instead he is hanging round possibly smoking with unknown people in a rough area. All trust has gone and I really did trust him, I didn't track his phone or check it, I really didn't see the need, I feel a fool.

That is a lot of punishment. If you wrote all the above about a 12 year-old, it would be very understandable.

I know many here will not agree with me but I would not expect to track a 15 year-old's phone. and I would not be telling a 15 year-old who he can and cannot be friends with. I would not necessarily expect to know the parents of his friends and I cannot imagine telling a 15 year-old that he is not allowed to have friends from 'a rough area'.

Yes, I would be very annoyed if a 15 year-old was smoking but you don't even know he was doing that for certain. Sometime we need to let our teens be teens and make teenage mistakes and, while we do our best to keep them safe, we cannot expect to control everything they do. What he did was very wrong but maybe he felt he could not tell you the truth?

Either way it is a lot of punishment. It's great that he is involved in sport and I think it would be a great pity if you put a stop to it. Is he really such a bad kid? I don't think so.

[Posher]

I'm not the mum of a boy or a teenager (yet) but my observation from your post is how good a kid he is. Apart from the reason you have for posting, he sounds like a sensible fella. Don't ruin that - talk through this blip and don't come down too hard on him.

[Millie]

I disagree with most of the posters above. Other than the sport, I think your punishment is perfectly adequate. He has lied for months. I would think there should be serious consequences. He flouted your safe areas rule. I can imagine how hurt you feel also. I think taking his smartphone is good. I would definitely emphasise your feelings (while understanding his) and try to make sure your son realises how much you love him and why these freedoms/privileges are being pulled back. With privileges come responsibilities and he has shown no responsibility for the minute. Sorry to hear you are going though such a hard time.