Teacher concerned over DS emotional outbursts

[Worried]

Hi, I've gone anon as don't want to be linked to my regular username. We had DS (9, 3rd class) pt meeting today and the teacher told us she is very concerned over his crying in school. We have noticed ourselves and been concerned over his outbursts at home and particularly during sporting activities. He is very hard on himself and competitive, and gets really upset if he loses a game/lets a goal in/ doesn't kick the ball as far as his brother/loses a board game even. We've tried talking to him about not taking things so seriously while praising him for being so dedicated to his activities. However, I was shocked to hear how bad things have gotten at school. I had no idea that he is basically crying every day. He cries during PE, during sports activities, and during every break time (they play soccer a lot). And I'm not talking a few discrete tears, it's full on, snot nosed meltdowns. Also the teacher said that some of his classmates are now deliberately goading him as they see him as an easy target. She said she was going to talk to the whole class about being more sensitive to him and explaining to them that he gets upset because he likes to do things well and feels disappointed in himself when he doesn't. She is also going to clamp down on any individual children teasing him. We had no idea this was going on and I don't know how to deal with it. Any advice please? I'm so upset for him.

[merrygoround]

That does sound a bit more than just being bad at losing. Has your son given you any indication as to why he does this. Is it attention or simply feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

If you think this is something that is currently within his gift to control you can try working on his ability to take losing and have a talk with him about the impact this has on friendship.
But if you think its something that he doesnt have the tools to deal with you could talk to your GP and get the name of a good child psychologist.

Either way I wouldnt let it continue for too much longer. Its a really complex age

[Driven Demented]

Could severe anxiety be the underlying cause? He sounds like he is putting himself under severe pressure to do well and becomes overwhelmed when things don't go to plan. Can u do some research about play therapists in your area. You lovely wee man may well need a few sessions to talk it out and learn techniques to help him cope when he feels overwhelmed. He probably doesn't even understand it himself just yet.

[RDR]

tbh I've been amazed over the years at some of the reported histrionics from kids - boys - over soccer in particular (both competitive and school yard soccer). And some older than your child. So your child is far from unique. But it does sound like it has got completely out of hand.

Assuming you've done all the usual stuff about talking to him about how he feels, why it matters so much to him, what difference his reaction is making (ie none to the fact of losing and presumably not making him feel any better), teasing out what other ways he could react and how that might feel, how he'd feel about not playing and doing something else etc etc etc ... if all that has been done then it may be worth getting a child psychologist or play therapist involved. BUT from what you've said you've only just learned about the extent of the problem so it may be worth teasing it out with him now that you have that knowledge. Also try and highlight situations where you lose, where other people lose, talk about how you feel but show the contrast between that and letting the emotion overtake you. Look at how competitive you and his dad are - what messages is he picking up. Find examples of people enjoying sport or games for the fun of it - regardless of outcome. Play boardgames, cards, bowling, ball games etc where you have fun as a family - again regardless of outcome.

But be assured he is far from unusual - I've heard (and seen) tears in the yard - so school yard soccer - up into 5th class.

[Woolly]

My ds is the very same and he’s 8. Now given our history we are getting him seen by a psychologist I’ve no idea if he would have been like this or not. He sounds so like your child.


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[RDR]

I came across this and it might be helpful as it has things you can do listed:
http://nspt4kids.com/parenting/helping- ... ng-a-game/

https://www.todaysparent.com/kids/schoo ... ore-loser/ (I don't particularly like the term 'sore loser' as it can be more than that - but the suggestions in the article are good.

[Rita]

You can validate his feelings, in it is ok to be upset at loosing, we all are really....but that he needs to learn to deal with that emotion in a better way. However that can take time . What do you do if you feel like crying? Do you just let it all out or do you try and think of something else? I believe hormones too (I know he is only 9 but it can start from then really) can make this crying worse...and they can't help it. However they can learn to cope with the emotion.
Telling him he shouldn't be upset etc actually can make him feel worse and then more tears. (not saying you do it but often people tend to say get over it, ah sure we all have to loose etc ...but he is only learning all this so it is hard and he really feels it). He knows he shouldn't be upset, he is trying to hold it in but can't so gets worse then.