DD told us she is gay.

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Guest555 · #1 Post by **Guest555** » Mon Nov 06, 2017 8:39 am

Hi, my DD told DH and I last night that she is gay . She is 13.

We will support her in every way and told her this last night, she is a fabulous girl and our absolute pride and joy. She is very bright and articulate.
I am worried though about what people will say to her in school, she is in 1st year, we told her last night that she should probably say nothing in school, DH thinks that because she is only 13 things could change and she shouldn’t be labeling herself.

I suppose what I am hoping for here is that other people who have experienced this could advise in what we should do, if anything?

#2 Post by **angrybird** » Mon Nov 06, 2017 12:32 pm

Bump as I’m only seeing this now to approve.

CLBG · #3 Post by **CLBG** » Mon Nov 06, 2017 1:57 pm

I think it's fantastic now that young people can say these things with less fear and more openness than before and it sounds like you've handled it really well. She's lucky to have parents like you. I don't have any experience but I'd imagine that just being there for her, making sure she knows you support her and that she can be herself with you is the most important thing right now. I'm not sure if it would be appropriate to speak to the school and let them know that she's going through this?

felicity · #4 Post by **felicity** » Mon Nov 06, 2017 1:59 pm

Hiya

I was actually talking to a friend of mine about young gay girls last night.She is gay herself.I think at 13 your DH could be right.It is a very difficult time for them with hormones and friendships.Some friendships developing into something else but it doesn't mean that she is definitely gay.Has she feelings for someone?Now she very well may be and that is cool too but I think for now I would be supporting her whatever she chooses .Absolutely no need for her to be announcing it to anyone in school or otherwise.Same as she wouldn't if she were straight.

I have a very close teenage family member who is nearly 17 and she has a very close relationship with a girl but she says she is not gay .I personally think 13-17 is really finding out who you are and to do that you need to go through a maze,sometimes going back over the same path until you find the correct one to bring you home.

NDM · #5 Post by **NDM** » Mon Nov 06, 2017 2:04 pm

Well done to your dd. She is very brave, at 13.

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Vino · #6 Post by **Vino** » Mon Nov 06, 2017 2:52 pm

It's great she can come to ye and also that she has your full support.

I understand why you think she shouldn't say anything in school but I'm not sure it's the right advice to give her. There's obviously no need for full on announcements but if a situation arose she shouldn't ever think she's got to hide any part of who she is from anyone. I think you need to go through that with her again and re word it better. I would be telling her that if she wanted to tell someone and felt it appropriate then that's her choice. I would tell her there's no need for any announcement simply because heterosexual people don't/aren't expected to voice their sexuality so why should anyone else.

If she does decide to tell people then I would meet with the school to discuss any concerns you have. My eldest started secondary school over 7 years ago, I'm delighted to see the progression the school and pupils alike have made in this area, it's no longer a big deal.

Wishing you all the best.

salsa · #7 Post by **salsa** » Mon Nov 06, 2017 3:40 pm

I'd agree with your dh about labels particularly at what is a very difficult age / stage for your dd.
tbh if she were my daughter my concern is that she might think she is gay now but with time could well determine she isn't. There is so much change in her life atm that I would try to help her understand that she might continue to feel that way for the rest of her life, which of course is perfectly fine, but there is also a chance that she wont and therefore to be discrete about how she feels about her sexuality at the moment.

#8 Post by **Shivvy** » Mon Nov 06, 2017 5:13 pm

Isn't it great your DD can tell you these things?
I wouldn't be advising her not to say anything. She may feel you don't believe her or are trying to keep it a secret. Its her sexuality and when she wants to tell people, just be there for her in case of negative reactions - which I am sure you will be.

felicity · #9 Post by **felicity** » Mon Nov 06, 2017 5:36 pm

I think if she is mature enough to say she is gay then she is mature enough to understand that it's something that may or may not change and she may prefer to wait to tell her friends .

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Driven Demented · #10 Post by **Driven Demented** » Mon Nov 06, 2017 5:51 pm

Vino wrote:It's great she can come to ye and also that she has your full support.

I understand why you think she shouldn't say anything in school but I'm not sure it's the right advice to give her. There's obviously no need for full on announcements but if a situation arose she shouldn't ever think she's got to hide any part of who she is from anyone. I think you need to go through that with her again and re word it better. I would be telling her that if she wanted to tell someone and felt it appropriate then that's her choice. I would tell her there's no need for any announcement simply because heterosexual people don't/aren't expected to voice their sexuality so why should anyone else.

If she does decide to tell people then I would meet with the school to discuss any concerns you have. My eldest started secondary school over 7 years ago, I'm delighted to see the progression the school and pupils alike have made in this area, it's no longer a big deal.

Wishing you all the best.

Didn’t mean to quote you Vino.

Tread very carefully how you approach your dd about coming out at school. She cannot be made (unintentionally obviously) feel that it is something to be kept secret. She sounds like a fantastic young girl and as parents you have done a wonderful job when she can come to you with something as big as this.

I know from my teens that there a number of gay students at school and they don’t bat an eyelid. I hope your daughter has the same experience.

ASW · #11 Post by **ASW** » Mon Nov 06, 2017 6:15 pm

My DD’s were in an all girls school and TBH so many people seem to ‘come out’ now I don’t think it’s such a big deal anymore. Teens nowadays are very comfortable with people of all sexualities and I don’t think your DD will have any problems in school. I would let her tell people if that what she wants.

RDR · #12 Post by **RDR** » Mon Nov 06, 2017 6:23 pm

felicity wrote:I think if she is mature enough to say she is gay then she is mature enough to understand that it's something that may or may not change and she may prefer to wait to tell her friends .

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If she's mature enough to know she's gay there's no reason she would need to even consider it changing - being gay isn't a phase. If she is gay that isn't going to change. If she has a crush on a girl and it passes and she goes on to spend the rest of her life attracted to men then sure, there's change in that scenario. But to tell her that she might stop being gay would be mighty confusing - and I think belittling, even to a 13 year old.

OP, you'll know better that us where you feel she's at in terms of her understanding of her own sexuality. But like Vino I'd be very wary of telling her she should be keeping it a secret - it isn't something to be ashamed of and you don't want to give that message even if it is coming from a place of trying to protect her. FWIW my kids are aged between 9 and 17 and being gay just isn't a negative in their worlds. Things have changed hugely.

Elsie · #13 Post by **Elsie** » Mon Nov 06, 2017 6:48 pm

OP never said they would keep it a secret.

But agree with majority of whats written above and totally understand that she may be sure now how she feels but that it could possibly change in the future.

lots of girls in dd's school have announced being gay or gender fluid and there are many that may well be that havent announced it. as others have said its totally up to her how and who she tells and she knows she has your support which was, in her mind, probably the biggest hurdle.

Iamsoneedy · #14 Post by **Iamsoneedy** » Mon Nov 06, 2017 6:51 pm

RDR wrote:
felicity wrote:I think if she is mature enough to say she is gay then she is mature enough to understand that it's something that may or may not change and she may prefer to wait to tell her friends .

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If she's mature enough to know she's gay there's no reason she would need to even consider it changing - being gay isn't a phase. If she is gay that isn't going to change. If she has a crush on a girl and it passes and she goes on to spend the rest of her life attracted to men then sure, there's change in that scenario. But to tell her that she might stop being gay would be mighty confusing - and I think belittling, even to a 13 year old.

OP, you'll know better that us where you feel she's at in terms of her understanding of her own sexuality. But like Vino I'd be very wary of telling her she should be keeping it a secret - it isn't something to be ashamed of and you don't want to give that message even if it is coming from a place of trying to protect her. FWIW my kids are aged between 9 and 17 and being gay just isn't a negative in their worlds. Things have changed hugely.

Except the OP never said she should be keeping it a secret.

Vino · #15 Post by **Vino** » Mon Nov 06, 2017 6:55 pm

Guest555 wrote:
we told her last night that she should probably say nothing in school,

Deer, & Iamsoneedy this is where the op said they advised their dd not to mention it in school. I know they're looking at the long term picture but I don't think that delivered like that it's a good message to send out to her.

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