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Hi Anon, wondering how things are now. Did you speak more to your dh?

I agree with clbg about checking for hidden debt.
I've been in a situation where hubby lied about his wages to me. It was only little factor when everything else spilled out but depression was the main cause.
Now I'm in control of all finances and we are working on our marriage. Like 2 teenagers at times.
Try to keep calm and discuss things with him but don't let him belittle you and your commitment to family life. You're ill and still working to pay bills, he's lucky that you can. Xx

Sorry you are going through this.

I would be concerned that there may be some debt in the background somewhere if it has not shown up somewhere along the way that he was earning less than you thought. I would wonder how he managed to hide that from you if money is tight.

It feels like there is more than just money going on atm.. you are obviously feeling under pressure, unsupported and unappreciated. As others have said there needs to be a frank conversation about money, all accounts, debt etc and the two of you working as a team to solve the problem - not just you alone. He also needs to explain to you why he lied to you about his salary.

Best of luck x

Edited as I misspelled debt :-)

I agree with others that once you sit down and lay the cards on the table.... both of you show what you are earning and do a spreadsheet of outgoings etc. I think there will be a shift and as nothing is hidden anymore things will improve. Tell him how you struggle and you cant possibly do any more hours... and if he doesn't understand - list out all the things you do and get him to do the same - from dropping kids to lunches to putting out the bins.... and see if you can have more of a balance... .and most importantly remember why you fell in love and had kids.... im sure there is still something there and that you care deeply for each other.... its just hard to bring out that love when life gets in the way.

best of luck xx

We have always given ourselves pocket money.... depending on whats available so that I don't feel guilty going out for lunch with the girls or him going for a few pints with the lads.. etc... We have this and then the rest goes into one account... maybe worth thinking about?

I think you need to have full disclosure from your DH. It sounds like you are not aware of the incomes/outgoings of your household so that is the first thing you need to find out. You also need to see all balances on every bank account, credit card, loan etc. Only then can you both sit down and look at your financial situation and see what if anything needs to be done.

[quote="RedHen"]Is his (real) salary now lower than yours? If so, it's a bit rich of him to think he should continue in a job he enjoys that doesn't pay particularly well, but you should be earning more.[/quote]

I agree. How would he feel if you’d forced him to stay in the higher-pressure job, just because it brought in more money? He got the chance to gear down a bit but earn less. Really not sure why he feels you alone should have to gear up now and earn more, particularly if your health and commute don’t allow. I’d be having a realistic look at your joint income v budget, probably pooling everything in a joint account for full visibility and deciding where you can realistically cut back. If earning more is the only answer, would he not try to step back up again?

Is his (real) salary now lower than yours? If so, it's a bit rich of him to think he should continue in a job he enjoys that doesn't pay particularly well, but you should be earning more.

[quote="anon"]Thanks all. My husband has never been what you would call a go getter, ambitious. Warning bells were they when we married but like an idiot, I ignored them.

About 15 years ago, he re-trained for his current role. A job with great job satisfaction but with a low salary. He was miserable in his previous role. 15 years ago, this was ok as I was the main earner. 15 years on, we have 3 kids and 2 years ago, I was diagnosed with a chronic auto immune disease, which is physically and mentally exhausting so our situation has changed drastically.

I did speak with him last night and he apologised for lying but remains adamant I should be bringing more money in. He never takes responsibility for anything so am lucky to receive an apology!!!

Think I'm just tired of everything in our marriage to be honest.[/quote]

Did he explain why his behaviour has changed in the last 18 months? are there other money issues he hasn't told you about? I would have thought the household bills he is paying are relatively fixed, so what have driven this change in behaviour.


I agree with Tinky that you need to sit down together and discuss your finances openingly and honestly. If you have cut your cloth as much as possible then you need to discuss options for both of you on the jobs front. Him upping his game and unfortunately, you may need to consider going full time.

[quote="Tinky"]Are you satisfied in your job? Do you enjoy it and want to do more? I'm delighted for your DH that he's found a role that he loves albeit at a financial cost, [b][i]not many have that financial option especially with children and a mortgage[/i][/b].
[/quote]

This part struck me, did your DH retrain before you had the kids & mortgage or after? if it was after, did you both discuss how this would impact on your family in the future. if he just decided to change without consideration for you and the kids then that was selfish.

I think once you sit down and talk to your husband things will improve because he’s no longer keeping a big secret which is a burden too. There could be many reasons he didn’t tell you. He most likely scared too as it’s festered for so long.

I think you need to speak and trash it out for better and for worse he could be holding back vital information as he’s too scared to tell you. I would start with opening a joint account and budget planning

Finances are a joint affair. You need to have an honest conversation about your family income and outgoings. You need to decide whether the plan is to earn more or spend less and how to make that work.
I am the lower earner and crap with money but since we got married I've made myself more financially literate. Does your husband leave all financial decisions up to you?

OP make sure you are getting any illness allowances you could be entitled to - you can work and claim disability allowance/ partial capacity benefit etc might help x

[quote="Pearl"]Why is everything up to just you?[/quote]

It has always been this way.

I have made a conscious effort in a lot of ways to change things and things have improved but I still feel the burden is on my shoulders. Finances, kids, etc.

Are you satisfied in your job? Do you enjoy it and want to do more? I'm delighted for your DH that he's found a role that he loves albeit at a financial cost, not many have that financial option especially with children and a mortgage. He should be counting his blessings everyday that with your condition you are still able to work 80% hours and he doesn't have to go back to something he hates or even take on a 2nd job.

Can you sit down together and thoroughly cut your cloth based on *accurate* amounts coming in?

Why is everything up to just you?

Thanks all. My husband has never been what you would call a go getter, ambitious. Warning bells were they when we married but like an idiot, I ignored them.

About 15 years ago, he re-trained for his current role. A job with great job satisfaction but with a low salary. He was miserable in his previous role. 15 years ago, this was ok as I was the main earner. 15 years on, we have 3 kids and 2 years ago, I was diagnosed with a chronic auto immune disease, which is physically and mentally exhausting so our situation has changed drastically.

I did speak with him last night and he apologised for lying but remains adamant I should be bringing more money in. He never takes responsibility for anything so am lucky to receive an apology!!!

Think I'm just tired of everything in our marriage to be honest.