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Theres a very true saying of you choose your friends not your family and as we get older we realise that we 'love' these people because they are our family. Would we hang out with them if they had been a work colleague for example? probably not. And that is where we have to learn to draw the line. Turn up to anything you are invited to and when youve had enough, say your goodbyes, dont want to outstay our welcome etc etc. Or if you dont want to go or are dreading it then dont. Last minute excuse or even a oh thats a shame we already have plans. Personally i dont think this is going to go anyway but down if you confront/discuss it with them so i would just slowly drift away.

i have a large family and i know once my parents are no longer around i wont see some of them for dust. Thats fine by me they know where i am and they will be on my xmas card list. no hard feelings.

I think this happens in some (f***Ed up) families. I'm the eldest and the scapegoat in my family. My siblings are treated completely different to me, even as a child.
Honestly I don't think there is any point challenging them. I definitely agree with the earlier statement that your siblings learned this behaviour. Whenever I have tried to - even gently- address anything, even when I feel that a siblings behaviour towards a parent is not right, I end up being the baddie.
A relative once challenged my mother over my family's treatment of me (specifically I'm excluded from their will) and she was completely pig headed over it; that's just the way it is. The relative was completely shocked at how resolute she was in this. There was no discussion at all.

Pull back. Lean into those who deserve you. Who support and love you now.
Of course you don't deserve this. It's very very hurtful. You have nothing to do with this at all. Your parents created it - or a parent.
It can take years to realise how our family dynamic is so so wrong.

The other posts are excellent so I have nothing much to add. I would say that your family's treatment of you is not a reflection of your worth as a person. If they have a problem with you or your behaviour then a decent parent or sibling would talk to you coming from a place of love. Their poor behaviour suggests a lack of emotional maturity on their behalf for whatever reason. I can understand your hurt their behaviour is hurtful. I hope you can see past their poor behaviour and know that it is not a reflection of you and that you are a likeable, lovable person who deserves to be treated as such.

It’s a tough one but perhaps some counselling would help.
I know we were treated differently by my parents, not purposely but the eldest would have gotten less than me the youngest. Just circumstances..they still had 4 more to rear and money was tight. But you say that wasn’t the case and they wouldn’t contribute for some reason ..it was a strange comment too from your sibling after. I assume they were serious ..I know I have a sibling that likes to rise us but he is also ultra generous so I have learned to ignore!

I can bet my 3 also have different views of my parenting. My youngest may be a bit spoiled compared to the others. Do I love them less..no ..but my parenting is more relaxed if that makes sense. Mind you she thinks i favour her brother. He thinks i favour her. My eldest thinks i am too soft…
That’s not belittling your relationships..but maybe your parents aren’t purposely doing it? And think you are just independent. Enjoy your family that you have now.Not sure if you have your own children but if you do focus on them , your dh and you xx

Have you ever mentioned this disparity with the siblings? I wouldn't be able to hold it in. But you know I've 5 siblings and I've no idea what any of them got from my folks for their weddings so you know, maybe it did happen here, who knows.
At least you know that the will is three ways because that would probably be very difficult if it wasn't and the will was being read. So there's that.
For now if you can't say it to them just rise above it. Maybe they thought you wouldn't like a role in the wedding? I don't know what age you are but like for me at 48, I think being a maid of honour or bridesmaid now would be the worst thing, I'd hate it. Do you think this could be a factor?

I can empathise with you. I only have one sibling and I made a post here a few months back about how my mother is leaving the family home to him. It really hurt me as my brother never visits or does anything for my mother, I was always the first port of call if my mother needs help. My father is dead but in his will, everything was to be divided equally.
I have definitely gotten cooler towards my mother. I don't think I actually like her. Seeing how little she thinks of me and getting older has flicked a switch in me.
Years ago I would have been scared to stand up to her but not anymore.
I would agree with others re therapy for yourself.
You deserve to be able to have a happy life without feeling second best. I had CBT and it gave me more confidence in myself.
There is a thread here about narcissistic parents, it has a couple of links to articles etc that might be helpful.

That is so frustrating. I know myself I would have to say it upfront about the wedding donations, I admire your restraint. It's just so blatant that kind of thing, is impossible for them to deny. It is worse nearly when the balance is subtle/hidden, I'd imagine but unfortunately, it sounds like you are dealing with that too.

I couldn't abide being consistently treated badly by my siblings as adults, I mean I was definitely on the receiving end of mean treatment/exclusion as a child/teen but we did also have good relationship around the hot spots. It should have been supervised/managed more in my view and I am super sensitive to it here now with my kids when they are fighting. So that element I don't think is uncommon but I get on well with siblings now, I would probably feel very differently if they didn't grow out of that behaviour. (I wasn't perfect myself either)

Do your siblings not notice this stuff? I mean, do you even joke about it... you are very patient I couldn't resist a dig or ten about the wedding imbalance

That sounds shit but in my limited experience of family members and friends weddings and other significant events financial contributions often came with strings attached and and an expectation that it gave the giver a certain level of control that would personally have made me uncomfortable if it was me so I hope you at least get to have some autonomy over your decisions.

I wouldn't spend too much time or effort continuing to please them. Suit yourself and the family you've created with your DH and leave them to it. Being the oldest and particularly a daughter can come with a lot of obligation in later years but I don't think anyone "owes" their parents care and/or attention unconditionally.

The recent wedding, with me being the only member of the family not included, was the last straw in some ways.

I do not want to boast, but my parents are well off and helped us all financially when we bought our homes. They have reminded us several times there should be a substantial inheritance when they die and the estate is to be split 3 ways, this is all in their wills. It seems that when it came to my wedding, my parents for whatever reason made an overt statement that there would be no financial contribution. Similar happened when one sibling wanted to do a master's degree. I was firmly told no, I was not getting money for a master's because they weren't paying for me to be an 'eternal student'. But somehow the sibling who asked, got what they wanted.

I know in my heart of hearts my mother has more in common with one sibling than me, and they have always been closer. But I thought as we got older things would shake out. I feel like I am grieving the family I thought I had and wanted, compared to what I have. I cannot raise any of this with them, I've always been labelled as 'overly emotional' so this would be another reason for them to have a good laugh at me. They're not all bad and we do have family occasions that I enjoy, but I find myself less and less inclined to be the host for these things or to engage with them beyond surface level banal chat, the kind you'd have with a distant relative.

Thanks for the replies, I feel very validated.

I think counselling for yourself is the first port of call. You could then speak to your parents but as another poster said, prepare to be gaslighted or for some hurtful stuff to be said. You could also speak to your siblings. It seems that they have learned from your parents how to treat you and maybe a serious conversation will make them realise that...or it might not..but at least you will have your say.

I can actually understand that parents may fund 1 wedding but not another, purely down to their financial situation at the time, but I would also expect that they would say that.

It sounds horrible.

I feel very sorry that this has been your experience. I have had some similar experiences and dh has often commented that I always seem to get a raw deal in the family. There really is nothing you can do and no one really saw it except one sister. It used to eat me up inside but I have made my peace with it. Having my own family helps a lot as I have their unconditional love.
I am not particularly close to my siblings but we do get on, it was mostly my mother who behaved like this and she is RIP.

I mentioned in the narcissistic post how much my family behaviour effects me , my siblings are regularly helped out but its expected of me to cope. They got house deposits furniture etc. I got given out to because I didnt buy what she wanted so didnt visit for 5 years .

I am so used to this behaviour now and expect it ,doesnt hurt any the less .

So other then the weddings what are the relationships like ?
Where do you fall in the family like expected to be the head of the house , got it all together so dont need their support? Were siblings are more are see to be more vunrable ?

It's not you it's them. They sound very self absorbed to say the least.
What's your role in the family, do you people please, do anything they ask without question?
Are your siblings male or female?
Aside from the weddings how are things between you all besides?

That sounds painful. If your parents have always behaved like this then your siblings may have learned to mirror their behaviour and attitudes and are continuing to do so. It doesn't make any sense at all and it sounds incredibly hurtful and unnecessary. It may mean your siblings aren't even conscious of why they treat you as they do.

I guess you could ask your parents but tbh you'd need to be open to the real possibility of being gas-lit or to hearing lies or unkind things. I don't know if you'd consider it worth it.

I did notice that you said that siblings insisted on getting things from your parents and you in relation to their wedding. In those kinds of circumstances keep in mind that they cannot insist on anything of you. It sounds very over-bearing.

Protect yourself and draw your own boundaries. Maybe there's value in talking to a therapist or counsellor to help you come to terms with the limitations of your birth family. And take care of yourself. Their behaviour is not a reflection on you.

I’m so sorry that sounds like a shit situation. I think as we get older and less willing to accept bullshit we see things more clearly. I’d be distancing myself and not making myself available to them at the very least. There’s no excuse for treating siblings so differently especially when wedding costs are involved. They will suck the joy out of you so concentrate on the people who treat you well from now on. Your in laws sound lovely.