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To be fair, I think we all treat the youngest different to our first, they're our learning children, by the time the last comes along we've relaxed more, learnt some good lessons along the way, maybe more free time, etc, list is endless

I know I was tired with my toddlers so they got away with a lot less than my youngest does now cause I've older children who are fairly self sufficient

Often the youngest is treated differently. I know on my first I was practising lol..no sweets crisps etc, bedtime early ..the list goes on.
By number 3 I went with the flow as I hadn’t the energy.

I was the youngest and I know I was treated differently! I don’t think my parents thought much about it.

I saw a TikTok yesterday (I know I am so cool) and it was this woman lamenting the fact that we have to worry about our children's feelings. Made me laugh cos its true that we really think about how we affect them with our actions etc. My mother definitely treated my youngest sister differently...we had bowl haircuts, she kept her luscious locks, she never did housework and she went on all the school trips and we never went on one. And we laugh and say imagine if we had had a brother....jesus he would have been molly coddled to an inch of his life. And you know what she never worried a minute about it.

My youngest always tells me I favour her brother where as the truth is that he is an easier personality to deal with but she gets the most attention! You can never win.

I think I need a tee-shirt that says 'just ignore him' as I say it about 100 times a day at various pitches.

First day back at school after mid term, my lot here were like anti christs last night.

I don't think the relationship with her sibling is the issue at all here. Siblings argue and wind each other up and that is all perfectly fine and normal. Mine argue, and I try to stay out of it, but if I do get dragged in I try to be mindful not to always expect my DD to give way or back down just because she is the oldest and should have more sense. I realised that this made her feel like I was taking his side and favouring him. (When in reality I was just trying to get a quicker resolution, because I know he is a more awkward character!!).

I don’t think it was meant like that but I can see how a teen would view it. If your ds goes in and chats to everyone and charms them, is sporty etc, she may think you do prefer that.
Lots of positive talk to her.

I may be alone here but I tell mine they don’t actually need to like each other. Just be civil .
Ideally I want them to be close but I can’t force them to be.

RDR wrote:Just adding to the excellent advice you've got above (I'd 100% agree with Kensington's post), this issue may go well beyond the family dynamic and what she thinks is valued by you. The outgoing, confident, sporty, holding-court type finds it easier to navigate the world. Society applauds the confident extrovert. The quiet, shy, musical, smart kid just doesn't see that societal endorsement. It is harder to be that child (or indeed that adult). That can vary a bit depending on the environment - the particular school, uni course, workplace - but generally hold true. And it can hold true into adulthood. Her insecurities most likely go well beyond the family so she REALLY needs to feel your delight in her, that you have her back and that you will pushback against her brother when she needs that support from you. He may be symbolic of a bigger struggle iykwim.

This is a bit what I was thinking about when I mentioned that you pointed out her "weaknesses" (and not his). I thought it was kind of symbolic that you noticed, probably what everyone else notices, where he seems to excel, and that she might need some reassurance that being quiet, introvert, musical is just as good as being sporty and extrovert ( even though we live in a society that seems to value it less).

Just adding to the excellent advice you've got above (I'd 100% agree with Kensington's post), this issue may go well beyond the family dynamic and what she thinks is valued by you. The outgoing, confident, sporty, holding-court type finds it easier to navigate the world. Society applauds the confident extrovert. The quiet, shy, musical, smart kid just doesn't see that societal endorsement. It is harder to be that child (or indeed that adult). That can vary a bit depending on the environment - the particular school, uni course, workplace - but generally hold true. And it can hold true into adulthood. Her insecurities most likely go well beyond the family so she REALLY needs to feel your delight in her, that you have her back and that you will pushback against her brother when she needs that support from you. He may be symbolic of a bigger struggle iykwim.

Some of my strongest memories as a teen, middle of five, were the shopping trips alone with my mother. We used to go the same restaurant off Grafton Street and meet my aunt. I feel like I was the only one she took there not sure but it was my special time even if it did involve being in the bedding section of Arnotts for half the day. Now, that turned into my sister nearly 6 years younger saying years later that I got special treatment with the shopping trips and my mother valued my opinion more, so it's a minefield!

I will second (or third or fourth) the suggestion to bring her out places by herself, a bit of shopping or a coffee or whatever - gives a chance to have chats and makes her feel special - works very well here too.

and not to make light of it as its so frustrating at the time but just so you know 16 -21 ish... absolute killer age for teenagers.... they live in their own bubble where its all about them and will moan if its not. it happens to everyone and of course a 12 year old is annoying her.... thats a little brothers job!!!
honestly i told my mum i now know where her expression of I'll knock your heads together came from as i used it myself!!! mine hated each other for a while, like two feral cats!!!!

so plough on but do remember its the praise that they notice! i also found that bringing them out separately worked wonders. i might collect one from school and go for a mooch about the shops or a coffee - just coz! it worked well in this house.

I have 3 boys. They get on well, usually, but DS2 can drive DS3 bonkers very easily, so I have to sit on it. I try to distinguish between being horrible/personal, and just general run of the mill brother annoying brother - I target the former more than the latter. DS3 has a very short fuse, so I'm trying to work with him to not let people (his brother) get under his skin so easily, and so quickly, which I think is important too, as he can't go through life losing his rag at the slightest provocation.

Also on a lighter note, we were laughing the other day about something the 2 older boys used to say to DS3 when he was younger to drive him bananas - "You have 3 willies on your head". He would flip the lid and charge after them, and I'd be there trying to be the voice of reason - "But look, DO you have 3 willies on your head? No, you don't. Nobody has 3 willies on their head" Etc. The type of insane conversation that nobody without kids ever has to have

Sigh. They say this is all character forming, but my GOD it can be wearing.

On a lighter note there was a running joke/theory for years in our house that my younger brother must have been dropped on his head or something as a baby as my parents always took his side and he got away with murder!

It is regularly said here with four kids two of them in particular at eachother's necks constantly and cite instances of favourtism at any opportunity, and I honestly cannot say that I am fully fair in this respect all the time that would be impossible but I try. It is all depending on the emotional weather in the house, I can lose sight of the bigger picture and be unfair and hope I acknowledge it after. We also have one child who demands more attention and who it is difficult to discipline and it is unavoidable that they will see him being treated differently. I do aim to be fair with my children more often than not and that is all we can do. I am prepared to listen and try harder. That's worth saying to your daughter, let her feel heard and see an improvement even if you don't think there's a big issue yourself.

Now, one DS is very unfair to a sibling and the best way I feel to deal with that over the years is high supervision and more separation and I try not to tell them how to feel about each other. We are currently meeting a psychologist with the older guy at the moment and this came up last week, I raised it that DS seeks out conflict in particular with this sibling. The pyschologist did a 360 on it looking at it from each perspective. We all have goals now around it but it's mainly for DS. Poor younger fella would love a good relationship with him, it's hard going.