heymammy.com

How are things now? Did she find accommodation?

You are right, she is an adult now. Very hard for us to accept in a way that we have to let them make their own decisions and have to stand back.

Again ladies I can only thank you so much for all your input. It's been so helpful for me just to try and clear my head. DD has always been super head strong, we would certainly clash a lot, but equally we would have great times as well.

Her character is she finds very difficult to make a decision, more so than your typical teenager. Right now there is absolutely nothing that I can do. I went back to her yesterday with a few more suggestions and I just got shut down. So I need to walk away. DH has intervened but she just will not engage in conversation. Whilst she has now accepted her course we don't have any accommodation for her and She has made absolutely no attempt that I'm aware of to resolve the issue. She has her whole life ahead of her but you know she has to start taking responsibility for her own actions now.

I think at the beginning it was such a curveball that I really did not know how to react to it. Now I realize there is nothing I can do. She's an adult and she has to start taking responsibility. There will be no free ride in this house. If she doesn't go to uni then she has to pay her way.

Gosh, that’s so tough on the whole family.

If it’s out character behaviour you would have to wonder if it’s anxiety or a realisation that it’s not for her. If it’s a more extreme form of familiar behaviour that’s a different thing altogether.

A structured year out may be the best option. One of ours had a year out and I have to say it was a great success, but only because there was a 30hr per week job. Money and the time to enjoy it worked for all. I wasn’t supportive of it when it was first suggested but having come through it I only have positive things to say about it. We then had a mature young adult heading off to 1st Year that realises that adults (and parents) work hard.

While it’s obviously horrible and not acceptable that your DD isn’t being nice to you, maybe it’s her way of coping with this situation. It is possible that she wanted to qualify in this particular area for years, grew up with the idea and it was ingrained in her that it was what she wanted to do and now that’s it’s within her grasp has realised it was the dream of her younger self but it’s not what she wants now. Really what you think you want to do in five years time from the age of 13, may in fact be totally different when you get to 18.

Would your sister be able to have a conversation with her about taking a year out to decide what she would actually like to do and what she will do for the year instead ? Obviously it will mean working at least part-time but I would think starting a course that she really feels isn’t for her now is only pushing the can down the road.

Hopefully she is just nervous about going out into the big bad world and will come round, in the meantime you take care of yourself. They can be so bloody hurtful and especially when you know you did everything to help them out. Guidance, education, money etc..... the list is endless. My own DD can have this attitude where she imagines the way something is going to be and when its not she cannot cope. Also she tends to want to back out of a situation that calls for a bit of bravery and resilience as she is afraid she is going to fail. And its always our fault for pushing her into it. Maybe this is what the underlying cause of this behaviour is...but at the end of the day we all need to be respected.

Radar wrote: ↑Mon Sep 04, 2023 10:44 am Just to add and not to excuse her behaviour. I think this group of late teenagers are still feeling the effects of Covid and lockdowns. They missed out on a huge chunk of time to gradually mature and move away from us. My own pair are far too dependent on our opinion and guidance compared to their older brothers and then blow their tops when something isn’t exactly how they imagined. I really think their childhood has been overextended by a long period of being at home with us and missing out on important formative experiences.
Again, not excusing it but trying to figure out her reactions.

This.

Students are a lot more anxious and less sure of themselves than previously. We see this at third-level. It's very understandable as they missed out on some of their teen years during the pandemic.

Just to add and not to excuse her behaviour. I think this group of late teenagers are still feeling the effects of Covid and lockdowns. They missed out on a huge chunk of time to gradually mature and move away from us. My own pair are far too dependent on our opinion and guidance compared to their older brothers and then blow their tops when something isn’t exactly how they imagined. I really think their childhood has been overextended by a long period of being at home with us and missing out on important formative experiences.
Again, not excusing it but trying to figure out her reactions.

My friend told me that they have to get like this at this age so that we are glad for them to leave the nest. He said that if they stayed cute and lovely like babies then we would never leave them go, you have to get to this stage so you are happy to see the back of them, otherwise it would be too painful. Circle of life

One way or another a decision will be made in the next week or two. Just mind yourself, and that’s all you can do.

LucyS wrote: ↑Mon Sep 04, 2023 8:04 am I would give her the space to sort herself out.

I think you should distance yourself from the situation. You should not get involved in any conversations about the course, accommodation, car, etc. Let her sort these out herself and come to her own decisions.

This, step back, let her get on with whatever she is or isn't going to do.
It's up to her to sort herself out. She will see all her classmates heading off to their various colleges and will know she has to do it herself.

Is there something else going on that predates the LC results?
If she will talk to other people but not you, did this major fall out between ye just appear out of nothing? Or was she already bearing some resentment towards you about something else?
Where is her Dad in all this, has he tried to engage her on topic and what was the result?

She’s being hugely immature and bitchy with it, so beyond asking her aunt t9 have another chat with her I’d step back.
Who does she think is going to pay for college and support her when she is there? I imagine she expects you to fork out for all the college expenses and yet be a total bitch to you? That’s really not on.

You won’t be able to do right for doing wrong in her eyes, so I’d leave her now to figure it out.

I would give her the space to sort herself out.

I think you should distance yourself from the situation. You should not get involved in any conversations about the course, accommodation, car, etc. Let her sort these out herself and come to her own decisions.

If this isn’t usual for her it could well be anxiety. It can caused someone to be negative about everything. It’s like a mountain she is trying to climb but not sure she wants too so is making every excuse as it’s easier that way.
Now maybe she is being a madam too and only you know what she is usually like.

I would give her the space to sort herself out. Her attitude is not good and very disrespectful towards you. She's gotten the points so I think with the way that she is behaving - a year out would do her the world of good. She can then decide what she really wants to do. The world is her oyster but she needs to have some respect for you as her mother. So I think you've done all that you can to help and guide - leave her calm down and hopefully she will see the wood from the trees then.

I really appreciate the time that everyone has taken to respond to this. I really think I've raised an unselfish and entitled madam. When in fact all we've done as parents is actually provided her with every great opportunity going and maybe we were not tough enough when she was younger but unfortunately I can't change that now.

I will be giving her aunt to call again tomorrow and asking her if she can possibly intervene again. So we are at the stage where she has or so I'm told accepted the course. So obviously now we have to wait and see if we get an accommodation offer, and from reading some of the other threads I don't know if she has jeopardized this now by taking so long to accept her offer. If so she announced that if she doesn't get campus accommodation her exact words were "she can't be arsed," to find something else. I have sorted a temporary accommodation for 6 to 8 weeks with a colleague of mine and hopefully during this time she could possibly find a flat/house share. She told me there was no way she was doing this. The second issue that was raised was if she does get campus accommodation, I explain to her that she cannot take the car to Dublin as there will be no parking available to any students who live on campus. This then became a major issue. It was like OMG I can't possibly take public transport. At this stage I don't know if she's actually just deliberately choosing an argument with me no matter what I say she's being an absolute b**** of the highest order. I'm almost ashamed to call her my daughter. I'm at the stage where I wish she would just take a one way ticket out of home.

from a college point of view I actually don't care what she does to be honest. She has enough points if she wants to reapply next year and do something she wants but it is just the shocking attitude. I would just like her to have the common courtesy to have a proper discussion about it. I'm just so hurt by how disrespectful she is. How she is so self entitled.

Just discussed this with Dh, and he reminded me of the drama with ds2. He got a second round offer of his dream course something he never thought he would get. I was over the moon, then he announced he'd prefer not to take and go with his first round offer. I nearly lost my mind.
Dh stepped in and I completely withdrew from the process. It took a couple of days but ds2 eventually accepted the second round offer.
Not the same thing I know but if your dh could step in and you withdraw from the process it might be easier.
I was just too close to it all.