Issue with my son and his girlfriend

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Expand view Topic review: Issue with my son and his girlfriend

Re: Issue with my son and his girlfriend

by Groucho » Thu Jul 13, 2023 1:45 pm

God, it's a tricky one & I do feel for you (while also wondering how many of the rest of us will be in the exact same boat in a few more years!)

I am another that'd find it hard to have someone who isn't my DH/sons in my space so regularly, but I probably wouldn't want to say anything outright in case everyone involved took the hump, no matter how diplomatically I phrased it! So I'd probably try to win a series of small battles, rather than the war itself, because this won't be forever, and she's nice. Maybe start with the TV/sitting room to begin with. Maybe christen some programme that's on every night "YOUR programme" and shoo them all out of the room so you & your DH can watch YOUR thing in peace. If they need a Netflix/whatever in their bedroom to facilitate YOUR programme, then arrange that (or ideally, your DS should). I don't think anyone could get offended because someone wants to watch their own TV in their own living room. I'd also tell them that X-Y o'clock is when you need the kitchen to prep & eat dinner, so can they work around that and make sure they clean up after themselves. If it was me, I'd probably also make sure I got out of the house every evening for an hour - not that you're being chased out of your own house, but if you do exercise, could it be in the evenings when the house is full, so you're getting a bit of me-time, headspace etc?

But my sympathies. It does sound hard.

Re: Issue with my son and his girlfriend

by Sparkly Pooh Bear » Thu Jul 13, 2023 12:38 pm

I can't offer any advice but reading with interest and hoping my future self will take something out of this discussion, it's really all about boundaries. I could totally see myself saying casually to my kids oh stay here when ever you like and then seething with annoyance as I love having my own space and find as an introvert having guest tiring . Hope it all works out. You are lucky that she's nice

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Re: Issue with my son and his girlfriend

by honeybell » Thu Jul 13, 2023 11:36 am

It's a fine line, I make allowances for my older kids being home and having friends over as I want to see them lots and dont want to force them out to someone else's house. There's a limit though and I ask them not to be there when I'm cooking dinner. I'd ask them to use his room more and try to carve out as much seperate space as I could in the house.

Re: Issue with my son and his girlfriend

by Gervais » Thu Jul 13, 2023 11:10 am

I can barely tolerate my own adult kids taking over the kitchen to cook separate dinners for themselves - especially after our latest electricity bill. You definitely need to have a word. The rest of the summer is a long time when you are already uncomfortable in your own home, let alone adding another college year on top of that. There's no way you should feel you need to suck it up. I appreciate she might have a crap home situation but it's not right that you should suffer on silently.

You can have a chat with Ds or maybe it's best to chat to both of them so she's not hearing it second hand. If you do agree to her staying more than a night per week, tell them that they need to contribute to the food shop (if not already doing so) and electricity bill (as that's the most obvious expense they are racking up with separate cooking/daily showers). Tell them you/Dh/other kids will be using the sitting room and, as ds has his own tv, then they can use his room to watch their programmes.

Right now I'm vacating my kitchen as one adult 'child' is frying eggs while the other is poaching eggs. I can sense the electricity meter rising. I'll also be having words with them about cooking 40 times a day!

Re: Issue with my son and his girlfriend

by anon7 » Wed Jul 12, 2023 7:00 pm

Hi everyone. Thanks again for the lovely replies. We have decided not to say anything ! Too cowardly and honestly, she is more of a pleasure than a hindrance to be honest. I was feeling rotten yesterday with a headcold and she cooked and cleaned for me when she finished work :blush: . They will be out of our hair soon enough (hopefully) :lol:

Re: Issue with my son and his girlfriend

by LucyS » Tue Jul 11, 2023 8:24 pm

anon7 wrote: ↑Tue Jul 11, 2023 11:42 am She is a lovely girl and am so happy for my son as they seem very good for each other :coeur2: . She returns home to take care of much younger siblings when she is not here (it is complicated) so at the start, I felt happy that she had here to feel a bit of space if you know what I mean.

OP, it's really nice to read such a lovely heartwarming thread.





(Mind you, it's easy for me to say this sitting in comfort on my couch.)

Re: Issue with my son and his girlfriend

by KikkiD » Tue Jul 11, 2023 7:08 pm

anon7 wrote: ↑Tue Jul 11, 2023 11:42 am Hi everyone. Many thanks for all the feedback. So much appreciated. She hasn't moved in. There is an awful lot going on for her at home at the moment which I won't go into out of respect for her. I think it is me at the moment. Menopause is not helping :crazy1: They cook their own food and it has never bothered me but the past week or so, the sight of the pair of them in my kitchen is driving me insane :crybaby: but it is probably the whole family, not just them ! He has a TV in his room but lately they are taking over the sitting room - we only have one. I think I will tell him to use his own TV and leave sitting room to us?

She is a lovely girl and am so happy for my son as they seem very good for each other :coeur2: . She returns home to take care of much younger siblings when she is not here (it is complicated) so at the start, I felt happy that she had here to feel a bit of space if you know what I mean.
Oh god yes, ask them to watch things on their own TV for sure!

Re: Issue with my son and his girlfriend

by KikkiD » Tue Jul 11, 2023 7:07 pm

Kensington wrote: ↑Tue Jul 11, 2023 12:01 am I think I'd probably suck it up tbh. They are gone at weekends. They are gone to bed at 10. from 5-10 you have 2 adults sharing a small space with you. That is hard but I have kids in their early 20s and I love that they feel comfortable being at home. my 26 year old rarely comes home to stay overnight now (although he did last week when we were away and he left his bloody towel on the floor of his old bedroom - sin sceal eile). Them being in your space will be over very soon.

I know I am minimising your feelings here - and I feel I shouldn't. But these years are the last gasp of the full-on child-rearing years and I think your son and his girlfriend will remember your welcome for them. If she didn't have a turbulent homelife, I might say "look could you keep it to 3 nights a week" but that doesn't seem likely here.

I realise I'm probably giving advice based on my own feelings of seeing the end of having children at home at all.
Agree totally with this, its a short enough time they are at home and its not a huge timeframe in fairness and I think its good they feel safe there. I think I'd go out walking or to the gym during this time maybe?

Re: Issue with my son and his girlfriend

by CocoRose » Tue Jul 11, 2023 4:00 pm

I am in the camp that thinks you can play the 'kind and welcoming' long game while also gently tweaking things! Could you ask a friend to come over next week for a drink and just say it nicely to your DS that I'm having a guest next week, need the house to yourself. Sort of gently set out the valuing your space side of life, indirectly here and there. It could land fine.

Re: Issue with my son and his girlfriend

by luxie » Tue Jul 11, 2023 2:51 pm

I’m only throwing this out there as no advice otherwise…. Perhaps they feel they’re being respectful watching tv in the living room rather than the bedroom (with perhaps a closed door) in anyone thinks they’re doing more etc …. Especially with younger children around etc

Re: Issue with my son and his girlfriend

by LucyS » Tue Jul 11, 2023 2:46 pm

Tobo wrote: ↑Tue Jul 11, 2023 2:21 pm We have a similar thing going on here. DS and his gf spend a lot of time here. We're lucky in that we had a large garage renovated to a pool room/cinema/party type building and they tend to hang out there most of the time. It irks me sometimes when the pantry or freezer is raided and the air fryer is used (and not washed) and the others are looking for snacks and they've disappeared. My tolerance level is at an all-time low and I've already advised the others that there'll have to be a rota in place shortly!
I'm delighted and lucky for DS and the others to have refuge at hone, but I have limits that I thought I never had.

Tobo, as an aside, I think any of us here who have been following the saga of Captain Tom's family and their pool room in the last week are probably now mistakenly envisioning a huge pool and spa complex in your back garden. :D

Re: Issue with my son and his girlfriend

by Sally » Tue Jul 11, 2023 2:43 pm

anon7 wrote: ↑Tue Jul 11, 2023 11:42 am She is a lovely girl and am so happy for my son as they seem very good for each other :coeur2: . She returns home to take care of much younger siblings when she is not here (it is complicated) so at the start, I felt happy that she had here to feel a bit of space if you know what I mean.
I’m like others, I’d have to say something.
But if you state all that you’ve said above, few times if needed, they really shouldn’t take offence.

Just point out that she’s of course welcome as an overnight guest and occasional visitor, and ye love her to bits etc etc, but that you’re beginning to feel like yere all tripping over one another, so before anything turns into annoyances or disagreement, you want to put some guidelines in place. Talk about sitting room, and TV in his room.

Tell him to make absolutely sure that he doesn’t relay the message in any negative way to his girl, that ye absolutely love her etc, and that’s why ye want to make sure there’ll be no falling outs in the future.

Acknowledge this is an awkward discussion, but it’s kind of the start of you guys beginning to relate to one another as adults, dealing with adult topics.
Y everyone’s style is different I know, but in these kind of awkward conversation I’d be inclined to throw in something to lighten the mood like “look it, in 30 yr time, the shoe might be on the other foot, and I might be a MIl coming into your house, and you and your wife want to put some boundaries in place to make sure we all rub along nicely together”.

remind him that these are just typical adult topics that come up in lots of houses, and shure won’t we all figure it out if we’re all respectful of one another,

A tricky one, good luck!

Re: Issue with my son and his girlfriend

by Tobo » Tue Jul 11, 2023 2:21 pm

We have a similar thing going on here. DS and his gf spend a lot of time here. We're lucky in that we had a large garage renovated to a pool room/cinema/party type building and they tend to hang out there most of the time. It irks me sometimes when the pantry or freezer is raided and the air fryer is used (and not washed) and the others are looking for snacks and they've disappeared. My tolerance level is at an all-time low and I've already advised the others that there'll have to be a rota in place shortly!
I'm delighted and lucky for DS and the others to have refuge at hone, but I have limits that I thought I never had.

Re: Issue with my son and his girlfriend

by honeybell » Tue Jul 11, 2023 1:49 pm

Any chance you could fit a shomera type room in the garden? An expensive solution but I've considered it here to get more private space from teenagers and their friends.

Re: Issue with my son and his girlfriend

by Lady Madonna » Tue Jul 11, 2023 1:36 pm

Even with teenagers at home I find myself watching TV in my bedroom so that I can actually hear it when it's on. Sometimes DH comes and joins me there and we remark on how we used to watch TV in his room in his parents house and couldn't wait to get our own 4 walls and now here we are back watching TV in a bedroom like old times

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