heymammy.com

It’s a night out. Rock up if you really want to (get on a plane etc etc) if not let it go.

As for your relationship with your sister that’s a different issue.

Based on how your feeling right now... focus on yourself

I think some people just love the surprise thing. My dh's family all live abroad and they just love surprise events or if not, then their own attendance being a surprise.
I think the thing about parties and social meetings like holidays, half the fun is the anticipation.
With surprise parties and visits, you miss the looking forward to it part.

Might be an unpopular opinion but I always feel surprise parties are more about the person organizing them the recipient. Most people don’t like them

[quote=CocoRose post_id=1426546 time=1635263386 user_id=403]
Surprise parties are a bit risky for so many reasons and this being one. Anyone who organises them particularly an overnight must be a fairly relaxed person and maybe that's another reason why they haven't thought through the potential politics of this situation
[/quote]

Agree.

It's one thing for a group of friends to organise a surprise gathering when it is just themselves. That is perfectly fine.

It's an entirely different matter when the surprise party is for nearest and dearest and the organiser takes it upon themselves to decide who is invited. I know I would not like it and I would be upset if a good friend was left out.

I seriously think you are on the wrong page on this. It is not your sisters fault that she was invited and you weren't and neither do I think it's up to her to mention that to the organiser. If you really want to go then text the organiser and say it to them, otherwise just let it go. You seem determined to have a go at your sister and blame her for it, no matter what she does. TBH if I was invited to something that I wanted to go to then I would go. If someone was upset that they hadn't been invited then I would tell them to ask the organiser about it but I certainly wouldn't do it as it's not my place. If it's a 50th birthday celebration then everyone is big and old enough to figure it out for themselves. I'm not sure why you are still posting giving out about your sister when it is clearly not her fault or anything to do with her. If you really want to go then ring or text the organiser and say so. If they say you are still not invited then you need to move on.

Surprise parties are a bit risky for so many reasons and this being one. Anyone who organises them particularly an overnight must be a fairly relaxed person and maybe that's another reason why they haven't thought through the potential politics of this situation

[quote=Guest post_id=1426298 time=1635190877]
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I might message the organiser. I’m trying to think do I went to go somewhere I’m not wanted.
[/quote]

Have you any issues with the organiser, do you know her well?
I would message something bright and breezy about how you were chatting to your sister and would love to be included as it's relatively easy for you to make the trip then. Add in that you don't want to upset plans that's already made if it doesn't suit and see what she says.
I doubt very much it's a case you're not wanted, most likely an over sight or assumption in current times. If the organiser has an issue with you, you've given her a get out clause and as you say you wouldn't want to go if she's leaving you out on purpose.

I agree with LP and DG could you organize a separate celebration? I know if it was me and I held bad feeling for a member of a party I would find it hard to relax and enjoy the day.

Post Deleted

I’m just wondering would you enjoy it if your sister is going?
Would you be better off arranging a special day out just for you and your friend?

It sounds to me like the birthday girl would want you there and the person organising has made an oversight she may not be aware of. The birthday girl might actually feel quite bad on the night looking around and asking where is x? So it might be important for you to flag with the organiser that you've been to all her previous big bdays and you'd like to join.

It sounds like you are most disappointed your sister can't acknowledge this hurt, logistically it is not her problem obviously but it sounds like you expected more from her.

I will say though that the fact you are down might be making this into something much bigger than it is, shaking you to your core etc. As someone above said, try look at this whole situation as a bit of a fk up that no one really realises they've made, and that the intentions are not to hurt you to your core at all x

No. My sister never meets up with them just my friend. It’s chosen as a random selection of “close” friends who o would know well and my sister wouldn’t at all.

Is the small party perhaps just a group of friends who meet up regularly and on this occasion the group is getting together to celebrate a 50th birthday. It could be very different to a 50th party where the host invites her closest friends.

Kensington I think you hit the nail on the head.

Just to clarify they don’t socialise together - I think my sister is invited as she sees a bit of my goof pal. I don’t think she’s ever seen the organiser socially so it’s a bit random. I hand on heart think my sister should have said no. Maybe that’s distorted I don’t know but it’s not her oldest ever friend in the world that she had to be there. She choose to say yes knowing how I’d feel. It’s really knocked me.

God I don't know OP. I'm tempted to say text mutual friend and say "sister mentioned get together -just wanted you to know that I would happily travel even in covid for a party for X" but honestly I'm not sure I'd do it myself. I hope I would.

I think Rita's idea is a good one - reach out to the friend and say "any plans for the big birthday? I'd love to spend it with you"

What happymammy said

[quote] Is this celebration maybe just for her group of friends who live in the same area and socialise together? Adding another person to that group for a night away can change the dynamic drastically. Even if you initially introduced your sister and your bridesmaid, they may now belong to the same circle of friends in the city they live in. Friendships do change over time also, especially when distance is thrown into the mix.[/quote]

Is possibly right - and is sound advice - but I don't think people who don't have a tricky but real relationship with a sister can understand how awful it would be for your sister - whom you introduced to yoru friend = to now be more important in your old friend group than you are. I left Ireland years ago but 2 of my best friends are still there - we have stayed friends though all the years. They both know my sister and like her but don't socialise together. But I can imagine if she was suddenly in their intimate group and I was out I'd be devastated.